dina marie's bipoletry: February 2010

C.S. Lewis spoke of how God remodels us, if we will but let Him, sometimes in ways that hurt and don't seem, on the surface, to make sense.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that he is building quite a different house from the one you thought of- throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

All I can say is, it must be some palace.

I have been having some bad days and this is the time when I pull out my very used bipolar and depression books and when I read back on my journals. I am always shocked at all that my family and I have been through because of my illness. It makes me sad but it also reminds me of how far we have come in getting me stable and how much we have learned about how to live with a chronic mental illness. There is no way to completely understand depression and the mood swings of bipolar disorder unless you have lived it, but I do think reading about or hearing others experiences can bring good insight. I have said in the past that sometimes the language of depression sounds overly dramatic. There are times when even I find it hard to remember ever having felt that depressed and hopeless. However, these thoughts and feelings were very real at the time and it was truly my reality, as dramatic as it sounds. Whenever we go through traumatic events and trials in our life we are changed and we will never be the same. That is not necessarily a bad thing. What we live can give us compassion, empathy, understanding, growth, maturity, and a desire to help others in ways that we could not have otherwise done if we hadn't experienced it ourselves. I believe it is our responsibility to then pass on the compassion. My journal entries are the best way for me to convey what was happening during the years my illness was winning the battle. I have many, many journal notebooks. These are just a few excerpts.

11-7-06
I am tired of the extremes. Everything feels wrong today. I am not able to cope with any simple thought or act. I feel paralyzed. When I get like this I try to remind myself that it is only temporary and that I will be able to handle life again but it is almost impossible to believe. When I feel like this I hate that everyone has to have me in their lives. I seem to make things so much harder for everyone. I have no energy. My hand is too tired to continue writing.

11-24-06
This evening I was at the bottom and wanting to die. The pain is so severe when I get this low. It feels as if it will never go away and that I will never feel hope again. I am shocked everytime.

12-18-06
It's Monday morning and I am dreading the day. I didn't sleep last night. I was up and down all night and as a result I am emotional, discouraged, and tired. I don't know how productive the day will be. I get so tired of the mood roller coaster I live on. No one can understand unless they have lived it day in and day out for years. The thought of living this way for the rest of my life gives me thoughts of wanting give up. I am living in a discouraging state of mind. I think most people would tell me to change my attitude. What do they know! I am so tired of feeling judged.

12-30-06
I am hurting everyone in my life and so they would be better off without me. I try so hard to hang on to logic and truth but my emotions completely take over. No matter what happens, I need everyone to know that I have done my best.

1-10-07
I felt good until a few minutes ago. I was reading a book on depression and bipolar and I read a part that talked about bipolar not going away and always needing continued treatment. All of a sudden I felt such a deep sadness for what I have to live the rest of my life with. It feels like a death sentence. I hate these mood shifts. I have a pain in my chest that came about the time the crying started. I feel extremely tired. It comes on so fast. I can't write anymore- I'm too tired.

1-15-07
I am so sad and frustrated. Things just keep caving in on us. Honestly it's difficult to keep hold of any hope. Last night the despair completely overcame me. I am so tired of what is happening. I know that if I keep getting pushed down, one of these times I will not get up- literally. Thoughts of death come so often. Honestly, I feel that taking my life is inevitable. The hopelessness I feel overwhelms me to the point of almost not functioning. The future feels too big to face. Same old feelings, same old complaints. How will anything ever be okay? I want to hide in bed today. I have no hope...

5-9-07
I need everyone to know that I have done my very best. No matter how hard I try it's never enough. The bipolar will never leave me alone. I am tired and overwhelmed. I feel like I am hurting everyone in my life. I can't do it anymore. It's too big.
I love you all-

As I have read about others experiences with depression I have found that the same words, thoughts and feelings are expressed over and over. That is why I call it the language of depression. It is good for me to understand that I am normal in how I am experiencing the illness. It makes me feel validated which has been such an important lifeline for me. I am thankful to those who have opened up to me in the past in regards to their own illnesses. It is sometimes a very personal thing to share and can make us vulnerable to judgment and ridicule. I have had to learn to put away any pride and be willing to speak openly. l think one of the best ways we can help others is to be completely honest. What I would tell anyone experiencing the deep hopelessness that comes with depression is that it will get better. You will have hope again and you will feel happiness again. It seems impossible to believe in those darkest of days but it will happen. Don't give in to the lies the illness brings to your mind. Hang on, have hope and then, pass on the compassion.