dina marie's bipoletry

Dustin's Story- A True Miracle

2012-02-20T12:24:00.000-08:00

There are those times when as a parent you could not be more proud of your son or daughter. This is one of those times. Dustin has been through hell and back and is now willing to put himself out there so that he can possibly help others understand that there is hope. As hopeless as a situation can be, please remember to never give up on either yourself or someone that you love. It is one of my profound life lessons. If a year and a half ago someone had asked me if there was any chance for Dustin to recover enough to live a normal, healthy life and be able to function well as a contributing member of society, my answer would have been no. As much as I would try to even imagine it possibly happening, I just couldn't do it. There had been too many years of destruction, too many years of lies and manipulation, too many years of watching his addictions take away the Dustin that we had raised and loved. For years I carried a tremendous amount of guilt believing that as a mother I had failed my son. It took me a long time, too long, to understand and truly internalize that it was not my fault. Letting go of that emotional baggage was such a relief. It was truly a life changing experience and a profound lesson for me as a mother. We cannot control those we love, even as good and sincere as our intentions are, we cannot make them choose happiness. I didn't understand that and so I ran myself crazy trying to fix all the consequenses of Dustin's behavior, thinking that if I loved him enough I could turn things around. There is a fine line between loving someone, and enabling their destructive behavior, and it can be extremely hard distinguishing between the two. Brent saw it clearly long before I did. As soon as I was able to emotionally let go and turn the responsibility of his life and his agency back to Dustin, my ability to handle the stress that his addiction brought improved drastically. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done but one of the best decisions I could have made. Once we stopped trying to solve all the problems his choices were bringing and he had to face the full consequences of his actions, he had to literally choose life or death. He has told us that was the best thing we could have done for him and was the turning point of him choosing to get help. His battle is far from over but to see him reach the point that he is at now is absolute heaven. He was in his recovery program for 16 months and came out a truly changed man. He is back living his dream playing college baseball and this spring we get to watch him do one of the things he used to live for, and that has always been his one true love. I am thankful for the lessons that I have learned. I am thankful to know that I can love my children with every piece of my heart but my love can't and shouldn't control their choices. We are all blessed with the gift of agency. I misused my gift in the most sincere way a mother can by trying to control Dustin's God given gift. As good and as heartfelt as my actions were, they were wrong. I am thankful for a loving God who loves us enough to let us choose our way. He is always there ready to give us the help that we need when we are ready to turn our lives over to Him. Dustin could not have done this without understanding that he couldn't do it alone. The transformation in him over this past year and a half is nothing short of a miracle. I am thankful every day to have my son back.

Never give up.

Never lose hope.

Never stop praying for those you love.

Terry Bradshaw

2012-01-21T00:03:00.000-08:00

If Terry Bradshaw can do it…

By Christine Stapleton
Uber philanthropist Audrey Gruss’ mother suffered from depression and she remembers what it was like growing up with a mentally ill mother. Gruss now lives part-time in a breathtaking oceanfront mansion in Palm Beach. Gruss has raised tens of milloins of dollars for other charities. Two years ago she decided to start her own. She created Hope for Depression with $25 million of her own money. The goal of the groups is to fund international international cutting edge research that seeks to integrate neuroscience with psychology.
When you see Audrey Gruss, a striking blonde always impeccably dressed and coiffed, you do not think football. Polo, yes. Football, no. Yet Gruss picked four-time Super Bowl champion Terry Bradshaw to speak at her second-annual fundraiser luncheon for Hope for Depression. Bradshaw was a very, very good choice. If you did not know that Bradshaw has depression, he will be more than happy to tell you about it. He is not bashful, even in a ballroom full of weathly impeccably dress and coiffed Palm Beach women. You gotta love a manly man who is willing to stand up in front of a bunch of women and confess that he gets choked up when he sees an elderly couple holding hands.
There he was, up on the dais, telling us how he hated every minute of every Super Bowl he won (FOUR!) and a dark cloud descended on him in the weeks after. The depression would paralyze him. He knew something was wrong. His three marriages failed. He dawged around for years, doing things he is not proud of. He hit bottom when he realized he would not be raising his two young daughters. He went to his preacher – “and cried my eyes out.” He went to a therapist and “cried my eyes out.” Then he went to a psychiatrist where he got an answer: “The diagnosis was a relieft. It explained why I had done so many things.”
So the quarterback who needed a cortisone shot in his elbow to relieve the pain before every game figured there must be a shot or a pill to fix his depression. No. He started antidepressants AND therapy and continues with both – eight years later. The depression still comes but now he knows what it is and what to do.
I waited around the ballroom after lunch, watching Bradshaw sign autographs and pose for pictures. When I interviewed him he was funny, charming and, at age 60, still buff. He’s the kind of guy who looks you right in the eye when you ask a question and pulls in close when he answers. He looks so happy, healthy and so comfortable in his own skin. This is why people doubt us. When we do the footwork – therapy, medications, diet, exercise, sleep, reaching out for help at the first sign of trouble – and we get well, we get REALLY well.
Anyone who has ever been in a clinical depression knows that when it finally lifts, your life is not the same. It’s like the commercial for the allergy drug Claritin. You take the medicine and a dull film is peeled away and you can breathe. Everything is bright and colorful. You have unimaginable gratitude. Every morning you wake up like Scrooge on Christmas. You take nothing for granted.
People who do not believe in mental illness see us like this and doubt us. “Hey, who wouldn’t be happy if they had just taken two months off work – with pay – slept all day and lost 20 pounds?” If we had come back to the office with a cane or a stubble of new hair on our head no one would doubt us.
I finally realized I cannot control how people think. I can only control how I think. I know what I went through was real. I look and listen to Terry Bradshaw and I think – “See, he understands how it feels. He believes it is real. If depression can take down a manly man like Terry Bradshaw, it can take down anyone. If a manly man like Terry Bradshaw can ask for help, so can I.”
Thanks Terry.

2012-01-12T23:53:00.000-08:00

New Year, New Outlook

"If winter has you down in the dumps, take a look at the cover story in our new Winter issue. It might cheer you up to know that good qualities seem to go along with having bipolar disorder.

Research done by Nassir Ghaemi, MD, a psychiatrist at Tufts Medical Center in Boston (and a member of our advisory board), and others has found that people who have bipolar disorder also tend to have “certain specific psychological characteristics … that are generally viewed as valuable and beneficial morally or socially.” Namely: spirituality, empathy, creativity, realism, and resilience.

It may be that the genetic and neurological arrangements that give rise to bipolar are also responsible for those beneficial traits. It may be that living with a chronic illness such as bipolar strengthens certain qualities like empathy and resilience.

Whatever the case, having some pluses to set against the difficulties and demands that bipolar brings us provides a helpful new perspective. As Sara L. puts it in “Accentuate the Positives”: “It’s a belief about having bipolar disorder that really can make or break our ability to live well.” So think positive!"

It is nice to know that there is some good that comes along with such a difficult illness. :)

I survived the holidays again this year. We didn't get Bree and her family with us so I had a bit of a hard time getting into the spirit of Christmas. I get to look forward to having them here next year. I have been happy to see that I have been able to handle some major stressful events in my life this past year without breaking down. We have made so much progress in understanding how to head off the signs of me heading downhill. Brent has been a rock. I depend on his support to keep me balanced and it has made all the difference. I am so thankful to be in a good place. I have not been this well since my diagnosis, and actually a couple of years before that when I didn't understand what was happening to me. I don't think I am naive to the fact that things could change in the future, but I do know that we will be better equipped to deal with the situation. I have gratitude in my heart for my wellness. These are a few pictures from the month of December.

Christmas Eve jammies from Grandma Dede. :)

Brent and I Christmas Day

Dustin, Bailey and I

The highlight of the month for Bailey-

meeting David Archuleta and going to his concert!

The night of the concert.

I actually really enjoyed it.

Brent won first place at two different parties

with two different sweaters. :)

The annual Mall Game that we host every year

Just for fun. :)

Elder Alexander Morrison- An LDS mental health advocate

2011-12-04T15:25:00.000-08:00

After visiting with a friend in regards to someone she is close to that is struggling with bipolar disorder, I searched the internet for a good resource to send her. There are so many misconceptions regarding mental illness and I get frustrated with the lack of understanding, even by those who truly do want to understand. It all goes back to my conclusion that no one can truly "get it" unless they have lived it. Elder Morrison has a daughter who suffers with mental illness and he wrote a book, "Valley of Sorrow" which I read a few years ago. He has become an advocate for mental illness awareness in the L.D.S. community. Here is a link to an article in the Deseret News regarding a Service to Humanity Award he received in 2004.

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/595053229/Elder-Morrison-gets-Service-to-Humanity-Award.html

I found an address that he gave at a B.Y.U. conference in 2004. I think it is one of the best resources I have found. He addresses the myths that are common in regards to mental illness and answers each one very clearly. I found that everything I had tried to explain to my friend was answered and validated in his talk. I am thankful for someone who has such in-depth knowledge taking their time to educate those who need clarification. What a blessing to those of us who suffer with indifference, judgement, and lack of understanding. I highly recommend reading this if you suffer with mental illness or know someone who does.

http://ce.byu.edu/cw/fuf/archives/2004/Alexander.Morrison.pdf

One Man's Story of Bipolar Disorder

2011-07-03T01:01:00.000-07:00

A Courageous Man- Dave Mowry (click for link)

I appreciate people who are willing to come out publicly and speak about their mental illness. There is a good video to watch along with the article.

Pass on the Compassion

2011-07-02T00:54:00.000-07:00

Brent and I had the opportunity to meet with a young couple last week who are just learning how to live in a bipolar marriage successfully. With statistics that say approximately 90% of couples with a bipolar spouse divorce, discouragement and hopelessness are inevitable. It is not an easy feat, but it can be done. I am proud and thankful that Brent and I have learned over the years how to not only survive in our marriage but live happily in our 27 years together. I wish that we had had a couple to talk to about bipolar disorder when I was first diagnosed in 2001. It would have made our path of learning a much quicker one. We had the chance to visit with couples who dealt with depression in their marriages, but bipolar is different and is a much more difficult road. It would have been extremely helpful for us. I am so happy when we are able to pass on what we have learned. The great thing about visiting as couples is that Brent and I are able to explain our own experience and our individual perspective, which in turn validates both the person who struggles with the mental illness and the spouse who has to learn to how to support them. Both are very difficult challenges and they are also very different experiences. I think one of the things that we are able to do is give hope in what is a seemingly hopeless situation. Brent and I have been through the fire and survived. There is not much that we haven't had to learn how to live through and be able to come out on the other side in one piece. Because of that we can absolutely testify that a bipolar marriage can survive the awful depths that the illness can bring you to. This young couple is much further along at their stage in the diagnosis and in their marriage because of the medications that have stabilized him and the knowledge that they have obtained so far. Counseling is critical and we were not very proactive in this aspect. I know that that would have been helpful for not just me, but as a couple, and as a family. Brent and I were each on our own path just trying to survive for many years, but until we merged our paths into one we were not able to learn how to work together in the way that was necessary for my stabilization. Once we made the changes necessary the effect that it had on my wellness was amazing. Stress is one of the biggest triggers in a bipolar person and if you cannot either eliminate or minimize their particular stress triggers, maintaining wellness is almost impossible. Having the support and understanding of those surrounding you is absolutely critical. I cannot emphasize that enough. Validation and understanding were my biggest needs when I was so unwell and when I received that I was more capable of dealing with the illness and the hardship it created in my life every minute of every day. For those who deal with the illness and those who love someone with the illness, please talk with someone who understands, research the disorder, and communicate your needs to those in your life. What a blessing it has been in my life to be surrounded by so many who care. Honestly, I could not have survived without that. Please know that you can hit the lowest of lows and still not only survive but be happy again. I can honestly testify to that because I lived through the hell of the illness and I am alive and well today. I have many limitations and I have to make sacrifices in order to maintain my wellness but I know that it has to be done and I have come to terms with that. Judgment is inevitable and I have had to learn how to let go of caring what people think. I am not always successful at that because I want so badly to be understood. I have to often remind myself that it is almost impossible to understand if you haven't lived it and therefore I sometimes have unreasonable expectations of people. I am still learning. Every opportunity Brent and I get to talk with other couples we will do so. Passing on our knowledge and understanding somehow makes what we have lived through have meaning and purpose. Hope is everything. So whatever you have experienced in your life, if you have the opportunity to pass on your knowledge and compassion please do it. It will bless your life as well as those on the receiving end. Much love and gratitude to those who passed on the compassion to me in my years of need.

Bree's Post- "Dear Broken Me"

2011-05-26T23:20:00.000-07:00

Dear broken me-

You've decided to slowly creep back into my life. The last year has been a breath of fresh air. I felt strong. I felt free, and I felt happy. I knew you were coming back by the things you started telling me. You aren't worth it. You can't do it. You're hideous. You aren't worth you're husbands love therefore he doesn't love you. You can't trust anyone. You're a bad mom. You're fat and the only way you can lose the weight is if you return to old habits. I did that. And all that brought me was more hatred and more weight gain. You lie. You told me these things and I tried to hang on to that still small voice in my heart that told me how precious I was. But your demons became too loud. They were all I could hear and eventually I believed them. Your hideous. Fat. You aren't worth being loved. They got louder and louder and I believed everyone else could hear them too. They believe them. That's what you tell me anyway. You tell me the first thing anyone thinks when they seem me is how bad I look. How much weight I've gained. You have turned me into a cruel person. The real me would never treat anyone the way you treat me. You turned me into a selfish person. The real me wouldn't think about herself so much. How much she hates herself. When you're around, I feel Satan's plan working in my life. Tricking me into thinking I have no self worth. You're hideous. You're a bad mom. Nobody loves you. You can't do it. I pray for the day you leave. I plead with Heavenly Father to take those voices away. Then I hear you...He's not listening. You don't deserve happiness. And for a moment...all the lies you've told me become just that, a lie. Because I know He is listening, and I know He wants me to be happy. I deserve that. It will come someday soon. I will be strong. Beautiful. I will be worthy of love, and I will tell myself I can do hard things, and believe it. Until then...I can hang on. Hang on to the words of my husband and family and the sweet kisses of my baby. I must be worth something to have been blessed with such a perfect little boy.

Please leave so I can see clearly again.

-The real me

Bree Clark- 5/20/2011

I borrowed this post from my daughter's blog. I think she articulated very well the feelings that come with depression. The lies that our thoughts tell us when we are in the middle of depression are hard to fight. She is an amazing daughter, mother, friend and wife. I am so proud of her for the woman she has grown into. Having this illness changes you forever and because of her experiences she has deep compassion and empathy for others who have their own battles. I appreciate her willingness to open up and share her heart. Thanks for your example Bree. I love you.

Bree's Poem

2011-05-13T10:46:00.000-07:00

Each one of us have our own personal story through every experience we go through; each individual lives the event in different ways. We carry our trauma, trials and joy differently. Judging someone else's story cannot be done because we have not lived it in their way. I was going through some papers and I found this poem that Bree wrote years ago in regards to her own experience and the trauma she lived during a horrible night, a night that our family faced the crisis of addiction. I cried as I read it, remembering the night from my own perspective. I think there are some events that we will never fully be free from the memory of the trauma. Along with my hospital stays, this night will always be with me and I am sure with Bree.

In the blink of an eye it was all gone.
My safe haven. My refuge from the the world.
You took that away and it can never be replaced.
I forgive you for what you did that night,
but the memories won't fade.

I lay awake at night unable to sleep,
fearing that any minute I will hear the sounds of your screams.
The sound that reminds me of your unhappiness,
of the life you once had but threw away.
The sound of a family being torn apart.
The sound that took away my "home."

My safe haven. My refuge from the world.
You took that away and it can never be replaced.
I forgive you for what you did that night,
but the memories won't fade.

Bree Gardner
2007

Yashi Brown- Michael Jackson's Bipolar Niece

2011-02-20T01:17:00.000-08:00

I ran across this article tonight while cruising the Internet because I can't sleep. I appreciate so much people who are willing to come forward in speaking out about their mental illness, especially those who have the ability to reach so many because of who they are. Yashi Brown is the daughter of Rebbie Jackson, oldest sister of Michael Jackson. I am looking forward to reading this book of her poetry. I shouldn't be surprised anymore at the sad emotions that come over me when reading anything in regards to Bipolar Disorder. I still feel such a deep sadness knowing that this is for life. Even at this good point in my life I have periods of grieving and once again have to come to terms with my illness. I hope this is normal for those with chronic illnesses and not just a lack of faith on my part. This is a short but good article. Take a minute and give it a read.

EXCLUSIVE: Rebbie Jackson On the Pain of Raising Daughter With Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia

By Hollie McKay

Published February 16, 2011 | FoxNews.com

The Jackson family has certainly been served many ups and downs. Now the eldest of the Jackson children, 60-year-old Rebbie Jackson, is opening up about her daughter Yashi Brown’s battle with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia in an attempt to reduce to stigma surrounding mental illness.

“It was such a hard thing, it has all been an experience I will never ever forget and all I wanted was to find a solution or a way in which Yashi could just solve the problems," Jackson told FOX411’s Pop Tarts. "A lot of people are have these disorders and they don’t know it because there are very different degrees of bipolar. So many people have this but they can’t figure out what their problem is. So you have to get to the core of the problem, expose it and accept it does exist, and then you can go about learning how to deal with it.”
In attempt to reach out to other families dealing with mental illness, Brown, now 33, is releasing the book “Black Daisy in a White Limousine: 77 Poems.”
“The poems date back to when I was in my teens to now. You can see some of the emotional changes and you get a sense of the true honest expression of all the things I’ve experienced with life, with family, love and all of that. You get a sense of what it is that we’re talking about,” Brown told Pop Tarts.
Brown’s mental illnesses went undiagnosed for several years, and it wasn’t until she was in her early twenties that the medical profession was able to pinpoint her problems. But due to the support of her family and the power of prayer, she now feels she is in a place to help other sufferers through their journey.
Brown also said coming from the famous Jackson family made it more difficult to cope with her mental health issues.
“It was harder for sure, you feel like you constantly have to hold it together so technically you’re living a double life. You’re living in this world that you totally don’t understand then you leave and go into the public where you really have to have it together,” she said. “Of course growing up in a high profile family especially will make you feel like you need to be some sort of an example or be super strong to the people around you and not be yourself. Instead of saying, ‘I have these challenges and other people have these same challenges and let’s communicate and talk about it’ as opposed to trying to act like they don’t exist or that you have it all together, which is really exacerbating it in the long run.”
As a mother, Rebbie, a Jehovah's Witness, also continues to turn to religion to pull her through the hard times.
“It’s about staying focused and prayer. I am a bible student for sure. And being calm. It’s hard to not let people go and get you upset or keep you upset,” she said. “We live in crazy times and whatever takes you away from the rhetoric, the craziness, just be calm and try to deal with life one day at a time.”
Jackson is also playing her part to help others in need by returning to the stage to headline the upcoming Pick Up the Phone Suicide Prevention Tour
And even amid the Dr. Conrad Murray trial that currently taking place in Los Angeles, Jackson insisted that 20 months after her brother Michael’s death, the Jackson family is doing very well.
“They seem to be fine,” she added. “Everybody seems to be doing fine.”

Article link-

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2011/02/16/exclusive-rebbie-jackson-pain-raising-daughter-bipolar-disorder-schizophrenia/

bp magazine letter

2010-11-21T00:36:00.000-08:00

bp magazine is a bipolar magazine I came across while volunteering at the Boise NAMI office. I was on their online forum tonight and came across this post. I thought it was worth sharing.
http://www.bphope.com/

"When I was in intensive outpatient therapy, in one of my groups I wrote a letter from my "better half" to my illness. It was insightful, to say the least. Recently I came across the letter, and my current therapist suggested that I write a response to my better half. Here goes. . ."

Dear Vicious Sadness,

You have made my life a living hell. Day in and day out I feel your ugliness and it butts into my routine. I have lost my freedom, some of my friends, and my job because of you. In the past you were sometimes an inspiration for my artwork. Recently I have lost that inspiration, so life with you is full of nothing but despair. I would kill you if it didn’t mean killing myself. I didn’t even realize I held this negativity until writing this letter forced me to face my demons. I just wanted to say that I think I would be a better person without you.

Sincerely,

Your Better Half

Dear “Better Half”,

The obvious thing to do would be to apologize for making your life miserable, but it would fall flat, and so this is not an apology letter, but rather a forum to get things off my chest. When I decided to take a bottle of pills and just lie down to die, you were the one who saved me. I thank you for that, because I never realized how much my death (and yours) would have destroyed my friends and family. I also thank you for making me write in the diary that the paramedics found and passed on to the doctor. It is because of you that I got the wake-up call and help that we both needed. I find it sad that you think you would be better off without me. I am a part of you, as much as you are a part of me. I think that you appreciate life much more now that you have seen what happens when I rule over our brain. Now that we take the right meds our brain is in balance, and although my creativity has been squashed, it is a small price to pay for (us) to be functional (dare I say happy?) Now that mood swings, self-medicating, and near death experiences are behind us, I feel that we should come to some sort of truce. I promise that, although I will be a part of your life until “death do us part,” I will do my best to simply hover in the shadows created by your shining light, as long as you promise not to kill me with drugs, alcohol, or any other “negative” coping mechanism.

Love,

Vicious Sadness

Gov't Survey

2010-11-17T23:25:00.000-08:00

"WASHINGTON – The government says 1 in 5 American adults suffered from mental illness during the past year. Most didn't receive treatment.
A survey being released Thursday by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration found that 45 million experienced some form of mental illness in 2009, from major depression to more serious problems such as suicide attempts. Fewer than 4 in 10 received treatment for their mental health condition.
The survey found a strong link between mental health problems and alcoholism and drug abuse. Mental illness was also more likely among the unemployed, young adults and women. Overall, more than 8 million had serious thoughts of suicide, and 1 million tried to carry them out."

I feel so thankful that I was finally able to understand what was happening to me and get the medical help that I needed. I am sad that so many people are suffering and go untreated. The estimated percentages of people who have what they call co-occurring diagnosis (mental illness and substance abuse) are about 50%. I am thankful to be in the percentage of those who have not turned to drugs and alcohol to self medicate, although I do personally know people that have. I have to say that I understand why they turn to those substances to try and cope with the pain of mental illness, although all it does is compound the problems to an extreme degree. I know that my knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ has been a foundation of hope and faith for me and has helped me have a deeper understanding of the trials that each one of us will experience. If we turn to our Savior, all things can be for our good through his atoning sacrifice. We need to have faith that this is true. I can look back and see how this has come to pass in my own life and in the lives of my family. We have learned from each experience and are able to use it to bless the lives of others through our compassion and service. We are able to validate to others that what they are experiencing is real, that they are not crazy, and we can try to give them hope that things will get better. My heart goes out to everyone who suffers with mental illness. It is a very difficult life for us and for those who love us. Please have compassion and love for those who suffer. We need your understanding and support.

Inspirational Video

2010-11-07T06:54:00.000-08:00

Never Ever Give Up
(click on title to view video)

The Power of Touch

2010-10-28T23:58:00.000-07:00

Story from a book I am reading about Job titled,
"A Man of Heroic Endurance- Job"

written by Charles R. Swindoll

"I will never forget reading about the tragedy that struck a family of one child. The mother died abruptly and early in the child's life. The father and the daughter were suddenly left with only the memory of this wonderful wife and mother. Their grief and sorrow went deep. The night following the funeral, as the father tucked his daughter in bed, his heart went out to her, seeing that she was fighting back tears. And he decided that he would move a cot in there. He pulled it up close beside his daughter's bed, and they soon feel asleep. In the middle of the night, he heard her crying. And he called her name. Through her tears she said, "Daddy, it's just so hard. I just miss her so much." Fighting back his own tears, he reached over and took her hand. She said, "Oh, that's so much better." And then she put her hand on his shoulder and on his chest. Wanting to comfort her he said, "You know, sweetheart, we have the Lord to lean on." She said, "I know that, Daddy...but tonight I just need someone with skin on."

When I was in severe depression, sometimes all I needed was someone to hug me. The family learned that they couldn't fix the depression but they could give me a hug and reassure me that I was loved. At times it would instantly calm my anxiety and help me not feel so alone. It seemed that a physical strength immediately transferred from their body to mine. I think that that solution to my situation at times felt like too simple of an answer to Brent. It didn't make sense to him. I am thankful that he has learned how critical it can be for me. Sometimes I am able to ask him to hug me, but other times he is able to sense that is what I need. We have come so far in understanding what I need in order to stay healthy and well. Thanks and love to Brent for sticking with me long enough for us to come out on the other side. We still have a lifetime of bipolar to live with, but now we are in it together.

"Next to Normal" Broadway Musical

2010-09-26T03:08:00.000-07:00

"Next to Normal" is an award winning Broadway musical about a mother who struggles with Bipolar Disorder and the effect the illness has on her husband and children. The musical also addresses such issues as grieving a loss, suicide, drug abuse, ethics in modern psychiatry, and suburban life. The music hits a little too close to home and I get emotional listening to it. I hope to see it one of these days.

"I don’t need a life that’s normal
That’s way too far away
But something next to normal
Would be okay
Yeah, something next to normal
That’s the thing I’d like to try
Close enough to normal
To get by"

"You Don't Know" (the wife)

"I am the One" (the husband and son)

"Light" (the family)

Just Saying...

2010-09-20T17:30:00.000-07:00

I hate bad days.

Bipolar Disorder Article

2010-08-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

Bipolar Disorder: What to Say, What Not to Say

What you say to your loved one with bipolar disorder can make a difference — either in a positive way or in a harmful one.

By Andrea Bledsoe, PhD

Medically reviewed by Pat F. Bass III, MD, MPH

If your loved one has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, you may be in shock and may not know what to say. It’s important to choose your words carefully, because what you communicate can either support your loved one and encourage her to seek treatment or make her feel even worse about herself and her diagnosis, discouraging her from getting the help she needs.

Bipolar Disorder: The Nine Worst Things to Say

You may have been surprised by your loved one’s diagnosis and her behavior may be very frustrating, but no matter what she does (or doesn’t do) and how upset you get, do your best to avoid saying the following:

You’re crazy.
This is your fault.
You’re not trying.
Everyone has bad times.
You’ll be okay — there’s no need to worry.
You’ll never be in a serious romantic relationship.
What's the matter with you?
I can’t help you.
You don’t have to take your moods out on me — I’m getting so tired of this.

The truth is that bipolar disorder is a genetic medical illness — and it is treatable. Your loved one may cycle between being depressed with very little energy to being hyperactive or “manic.” This is all part of the illness and she can’t help it. It’s important that you be supportive, without nagging her. It will also help you if you know what to expect and how to spot when your loved one is not doing well or has stopped taking his medication.

Bipolar Disorder: The Eight Best Things to Say

What should you say to be supportive and help your loved one to do her best to manage the condition without being too pushy? Some of the best words of encouragement include:

This is a medical illness and it is not your fault.
I am here. We'll make it through this together.
You and your life are important to me.
You’re not alone.
Tell me how I can help.
I might not know how you feel, but I’m here to support you.
Whenever you feel like giving up, tell yourself to hold on for another minute, hour, day — whatever you feel you can do.
Your illness doesn't define who you are. You are still you, with hopes and dreams you can attain.

I have said for a long time that there is no neutral position for those who are involved in a bipolar person's life. You can either make things better for them or make them worse. Brent hated that he seemed to be my trigger for so many years, but once he understood how to help and support me in living with this illness it made all the difference. Now he is not my trigger but my rock. Truly, I couldn't do this without him. It took us a long time to learn how to work together in making this illness possible for me to live with and the family to live with. The reality is that everyone in my life is affected by what this does to me, so learning the right tools has made life better for all of us. Brent totally gets it now. The love that I have for him is beyond words. I hope everyone who lives with the nightmare of bipolar disorder has someone to support and love them like I do. Thank you to my amazing husband.

Jean-Claude Van Damme

2010-08-15T02:02:00.000-07:00

Jean-Claude Van Damme

I am so intrigued with celebrities who have Bipolar Disorder. Jean-Claude Van Damme was a cocaine addict, was married four times from 1984-1994, was charged with spousal abuse, and became suicidal in 1997. Not long after that he was diagnosed rapid cycling bipolar disorder and was prescribed Lithium. He says, "In one week, I felt it kick in. All the commotion around me, all the water around me, moving left and right around me, became like a lake."

I like his description of how the medication helped him; the commotion was gone. Lithium was the first medication I was put on in 2001. For me it was not a good thing. I am a bit envious of those who find the answer right away. For me it was eight long years of trial and error. I would say that for the majority the road to discovering what medication will bring them to a stable place can take years. It was a test of faith for myself and for my family as we battled the war day in and day out without much relief. We suffered through the bad and tried to enjoy any small reprieve that came, knowing that the time would likely be short lived. The emotions of bipolar are completely overwhelming. I think a good comparison in how I experience it, is it's like a flash flood. The emotions come fast and hard, without any warning.

I still don't know where to channel that negative energy. Just yesterday I was expressing to Brent my frustration at still not understanding what to do with it even after all these years. I guess I should be learning patience through all of this but I certainly don't feel I have made much progress in that area. Maybe I don't give myself much credit, but then again, maybe I don't deserve any credit. We still experience the bipolar inconsistency everyday, but the good days completely outweigh the bad. Thank goodness for a doctor who never gave up and a family who has had endless amounts of enduring love for me. I can say that I feel greatly blessed. I never thought I would be able to say that and actually believe it.

"Unwell" -Matchbox Twenty

2010-07-17T02:47:00.000-07:00

"Definitely an insanity song. And that's what makes it rock." -Anonymous

This has been one of my "bipolar songs" for quite a few years. I know that the song meaning could be applied to various life situations but for me it speaks so accurately of mental illness and how it has affected my life for so many years. There were a few years that I literally felt crazy but looking back I can see that I was unwell...not crazy. Thank goodness for medication!

Idiot.

2010-06-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

An idiot's answer to the question, "To Stay or Not to Stay with a Bipolar Spouse."

"I am not a professional psychologist, and unless you are, I would highly suggest getting one on staff in your home if you are thinking of staying with a bipolar person. They are waaaaaaaay too much to handle for the "normal" people.
I tried going to a group meeting for spouses and family of Bipolars and they are sad people living sad lives watching their Bipolar family members do destructive and hateful things, and yet they feel that they can't get out of it.
Well I can! We don't have any kids, and I am not going to waste another minute of my life trying to help someone that cannot or will not be helped!"

Thankfully I am married to a man who is as far from being an idiot as possible. Sometimes I have no patience for people like this. Actually, I never have patience for people like this.

Sleep Deprivation Stinks

2010-06-26T02:08:00.000-07:00

One of the most difficult things to deal with is the lack of sleep due to the bipolar. When my depression was so severe five years ago, I was sleeping most of the time. As I have come out of that extreme low I have had continual issues with not getting enough rest. I wish it was as simple as cutting out any caffeine intake. Without fail my brain will turn on in the middle of the night and I have no control after that. Thoughts swirl through my head and will not shut off, that is if I am even able to get to sleep in the first place. When my sleep cycle is at it's worst, I am up until five or six in the morning and then I have to get my eight hours or I am an emotional wreck. My doctor calls it day/night reversal. It seems to run it's cycle and will slowly correct itself, but only slightly. Even in my best sleep place, I wake up every hour or so and have to try to get back to sleep. I can't remember the last time I have had a solid seven to eight hours of rest. I don't know how that feels anymore, to be completely rested. The bummer is that even when I try to get rested and feel somewhat okay when I wake up, I then have to take my morning medication which has drowsiness as one of the side effects, so the yawning begins about thirty minutes after that. We have tried many so called sleep remedies and all sorts of medication but with no success. The prescription sleep aids actually made my mood cycling worse.So to all those who are able to sleep...may you rest in peace, as for me the day has just begun.

Starry Night

2010-06-24T01:13:00.000-07:00

Vincent van Gogh (1853-1890) had an eccentric personality and unstable moods, suffered from recurrent psychotic episodes during the last 2 years of his extraordinary life, and committed suicide at the age of 37. Don McLean wrote the song "Vincent" in memory of Van Gogh. The words are very meaningful and I think those who suffer from mental illness can find a deeper meaning and understanding of his life. Van Gogh painted Starry Night while in an asylum in Saint-Remy in 1889.
Listen to the song below.

Starry Starry Night

2010-06-24T01:12:00.000-07:00

My Current Read

2010-06-20T23:50:00.000-07:00

I find solace in reading books that help me understand answers to difficult questions, books that give me hope in times of darkness, and books that somehow bless me with light in the middle of my darkness. This is a book my dad gave me today. I am looking forward to reading it.

The title draws me in.

BUT IF NOT

WHEN BAD THINGS THREATEN TO DESTROY GOOD PEOPLE

JOYCE AND DENNIS ASHTON

"Faith is something greater than ourselves that enables us to do what we said we would do. To press forward when we are tired or hurt or afraid. To keep going when the challenge seems overwhelming and the course is uncertain."

President Gordon B. Hinckley

CELEBRITY BIPOLARS

2010-05-28T03:22:00.000-07:00

Bi-Polar Bird

2010-05-26T02:25:00.000-07:00

Bi-Polar Bear

2010-05-26T02:20:00.000-07:00

Crash and Burn

2010-05-22T01:46:00.000-07:00

I get really frustrated that I can't handle stress like most people. One glitch can send me into a tailspin that is difficult to recover from. I am blessed to have a husband that is so capable of taking care of the situations that I can't seem to handle. I hate not being strong enough to carry my end of the load but the bipolar takes over at certain times and the triggers take me down hard. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt over the fact that my family is so affected my illness. I was in an plane crash when I was twelve years old and the fear, pain, and anxiety that I experience now are worse than that actual crash was for me. Doesn't make sense. Thank goodness I can recover from the "crash and burns" much quicker than I have been able to in years past. I feel thankful for the progress we have made in learning how to live with the bipolar in the best way that we can. Many, many thanks to my husband and kids. I literally couldn't do this without their love and support.

Hope...or not

2010-05-19T00:19:00.000-07:00

Some days I'm just not feeling it.

Random Anonymous Quote

2010-05-16T02:15:00.000-07:00

"I have BPD, PTSD and ADD. lt's like "Wheel of Unfortunate" and I don't want to buy a 'D'."

The Bipolar Express

2010-05-05T00:39:00.000-07:00

Parody Posters for Mood Disorders

2010-05-03T01:29:00.000-07:00

If your vision is as bad as mine, you can click on the image for a better view. :)

Bipolar Magazine

2010-05-01T01:41:00.000-07:00

I have volunteered a few times at the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) here in Boise. They have a library there in the office where books and magazines can be checked out. I found a magazine there that I was not familiar with. I highly recommend this to anyone who has the illness. There is very good information, and stories of others personal experiences with the illness. I find it helps me in knowing that I am not alone. I guess I don't feel so crazy knowing there are others who are fighting the same war that I battle every single day.

http://www.bphope.com/

I find comfort in knowing what Bipolar IS and what Bipolar IS NOT.

What is bipolar?

Bipolar disorder is a treatable illness marked by extreme changes in mood, thought, energy, and behavior. Bipolar disorder is also known as manic depression because a person's mood can alternate between the "poles," mania (highs) and depression (lows). The change in mood can last for hours, days, weeks or months.

What Bipolar is not?
Bipolar disorder is not a character flaw or sign of personal weakness.

For a good part of my life I thought I had many, many character flaws and personal weaknesses. It was a difficult thing to constantly be going in circles trying to fix things that I considered bad or lacking in myself. No matter how hard I tried, I never seemed to make any progress. I felt so inferior to those around me. Finding out that I had Bipolar Disorder explained so much. I wasn't a bad or weak person. I had an illness. An illness that could be treated. This is not the life I envisioned for myself. I didn't choose this and it definitely wasn't at the top of my bucket list! But this is the my reality now; the road I have to travel. I do believe the teaching that ALL things can be for our good if we continually turn to God for our strength and support. There is no doubt in my mind that somehow I am being taught and refined through this process. Today I can feel the faith that I know I have. Some days I struggle to find and remember that solid foundation, so I am grateful to be tuned into that truth for now. I am so thankful for my good days.

Thomas Jefferson Quote

2010-04-30T01:33:00.000-07:00

“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?”

Thomas Jefferson

I love how the word softly is used in this quote. It implies the loving, tender compassion we can give to one another, in particular those who suffer as we have suffered. For me, talking to others who had themselves experienced depression was critical for me in my attempt to hang on to life during the incredibly difficult years I had until we were able to get me to a healthy place. A special few were able to give me a sliver of hope in my darkest of times. I needed to hear from those who had survived the devastating effects of depression themselves, and even then, I still had difficulty believing that I would one day be well. Hope is out there for each one of us but sometimes we need those around us to give us a lifeline and a reason to keep living. I will forever be grateful for those who "softly bound up my wounds" in my time of need. My hope is to give to others that which was given to me- an understanding heart and empathetic, listening ears.

Winston Churchill Quote

2010-04-13T16:44:00.000-07:00

Loving these quotes-

"If you are going through hell, keep going."

Winston Churchill

"In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: it goes on."

Robert Frost

I read these quotes to my family and Dani asked me what my three words are.

Breathe- Believe- Hope

Without these, I wouldn't have been able to "keep going" through my own personal hell.

No Patience for Judgment...

2010-03-30T23:06:00.000-07:00

I have been living the bipolar roller coaster officially for over nine years and unofficially for my entire life, so you would think that after all this time of dealing with people's critical judgment regarding medications for mental illness, I would be beyond being affected by their criticism. You would think that I could accept that they are speaking from a lack of knowledge and experience, and therefore, have no idea what they are talking about. You would think. But I do care and I hate being misunderstood. It cuts like a knife every time but especially when it comes from people I really care about. I guess I need to get thicker skin. It very quickly sends me into a downward spiral. My husband wonders why it matters so much to me what other people think. I really can't answer that, only that it does. When it happens, I first have disbelief, then anger, and then many, many tears. Stupid, I know. For some reason it makes me question all the experience and knowledge that I have received through years of study and personal trials with the bipolar illness. I know how critical medications have been for myself, my kids, and others that I personally know. It frustrates me that I let others opinions rock my foundation of knowledge. After I work my way through the bipolar emotional mess it creates for me and I have come out on the other side, I can once again gain my strong footing and know that it is just hard, and maybe impossible for people to understand who have not lived it or who have not witnessed someone they love live the nightmare. Without my medications I would not be here. Period. It took a lot of experimenting, a lot of trial and error, and a lot of painful years before we found the combination that worked for me. Once we did, I have been able to live again in a somewhat normal way. Medication isn't the cure all but I believe it is the first step. Once a person is stabilized they can then begin to understand and learn how to live with a chronic mental illness. Implementing certain tools will give them the ability to live a good, productive, and happy life. My goal is to stop letting the opinion of others rock my world. I know what I know, and that should be enough. So wish me luck on my path to learning how to forgive and not judge others, for their judgment of me.

Not a Mere Cottage...

2010-02-14T23:41:00.000-08:00

C.S. Lewis spoke of how God remodels us, if we will but let Him, sometimes in ways that hurt and don't seem, on the surface, to make sense.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that he is building quite a different house from the one you thought of- throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

All I can say is, it must be some palace.

Elder Wirthlin Quote

2010-02-14T02:58:00.000-08:00

Nothing beyond

His Healing Touch

“No grief is so great, no pain so profound,
no burden so unbearable

that it is beyond His healing touch.”

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin
of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

When I am not doing well it is promises like this that keep me hanging onto a hope that I cannot pull from within myself.

Pass on the Compassion

2010-02-07T16:05:00.000-08:00

I have been having some bad days and this is the time when I pull out my very used bipolar and depression books and when I read back on my journals. I am always shocked at all that my family and I have been through because of my illness. It makes me sad but it also reminds me of how far we have come in getting me stable and how much we have learned about how to live with a chronic mental illness. There is no way to completely understand depression and the mood swings of bipolar disorder unless you have lived it, but I do think reading about or hearing others experiences can bring good insight. I have said in the past that sometimes the language of depression sounds overly dramatic. There are times when even I find it hard to remember ever having felt that depressed and hopeless. However, these thoughts and feelings were very real at the time and it was truly my reality, as dramatic as it sounds. Whenever we go through traumatic events and trials in our life we are changed and we will never be the same. That is not necessarily a bad thing. What we live can give us compassion, empathy, understanding, growth, maturity, and a desire to help others in ways that we could not have otherwise done if we hadn't experienced it ourselves. I believe it is our responsibility to then pass on the compassion. My journal entries are the best way for me to convey what was happening during the years my illness was winning the battle. I have many, many journal notebooks. These are just a few excerpts.

11-7-06
I am tired of the extremes. Everything feels wrong today. I am not able to cope with any simple thought or act. I feel paralyzed. When I get like this I try to remind myself that it is only temporary and that I will be able to handle life again but it is almost impossible to believe. When I feel like this I hate that everyone has to have me in their lives. I seem to make things so much harder for everyone. I have no energy. My hand is too tired to continue writing.

11-24-06
This evening I was at the bottom and wanting to die. The pain is so severe when I get this low. It feels as if it will never go away and that I will never feel hope again. I am shocked everytime.

12-18-06
It's Monday morning and I am dreading the day. I didn't sleep last night. I was up and down all night and as a result I am emotional, discouraged, and tired. I don't know how productive the day will be. I get so tired of the mood roller coaster I live on. No one can understand unless they have lived it day in and day out for years. The thought of living this way for the rest of my life gives me thoughts of wanting give up. I am living in a discouraging state of mind. I think most people would tell me to change my attitude. What do they know! I am so tired of feeling judged.

12-30-06
I am hurting everyone in my life and so they would be better off without me. I try so hard to hang on to logic and truth but my emotions completely take over. No matter what happens, I need everyone to know that I have done my best.

1-10-07
I felt good until a few minutes ago. I was reading a book on depression and bipolar and I read a part that talked about bipolar not going away and always needing continued treatment. All of a sudden I felt such a deep sadness for what I have to live the rest of my life with. It feels like a death sentence. I hate these mood shifts. I have a pain in my chest that came about the time the crying started. I feel extremely tired. It comes on so fast. I can't write anymore- I'm too tired.

1-15-07
I am so sad and frustrated. Things just keep caving in on us. Honestly it's difficult to keep hold of any hope. Last night the despair completely overcame me. I am so tired of what is happening. I know that if I keep getting pushed down, one of these times I will not get up- literally. Thoughts of death come so often. Honestly, I feel that taking my life is inevitable. The hopelessness I feel overwhelms me to the point of almost not functioning. The future feels too big to face. Same old feelings, same old complaints. How will anything ever be okay? I want to hide in bed today. I have no hope...

5-9-07
I need everyone to know that I have done my very best. No matter how hard I try it's never enough. The bipolar will never leave me alone. I am tired and overwhelmed. I feel like I am hurting everyone in my life. I can't do it anymore. It's too big.
I love you all-

As I have read about others experiences with depression I have found that the same words, thoughts and feelings are expressed over and over. That is why I call it the language of depression. It is good for me to understand that I am normal in how I am experiencing the illness. It makes me feel validated which has been such an important lifeline for me. I am thankful to those who have opened up to me in the past in regards to their own illnesses. It is sometimes a very personal thing to share and can make us vulnerable to judgment and ridicule. I have had to learn to put away any pride and be willing to speak openly. l think one of the best ways we can help others is to be completely honest. What I would tell anyone experiencing the deep hopelessness that comes with depression is that it will get better. You will have hope again and you will feel happiness again. It seems impossible to believe in those darkest of days but it will happen. Don't give in to the lies the illness brings to your mind. Hang on, have hope and then, pass on the compassion.

Somedays it's all I can do...

2010-02-06T23:45:00.000-08:00

Lucky Me

2010-02-02T22:53:00.000-08:00

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
~Rita Mae Brown

I guess I am the lucky one. : )

Images

2010-01-31T23:19:00.000-08:00

This is an image that I found when I googled bipolar.

It is accurate in the depiction of the hurt and pain that is experienced.

Even though I am okay today,

when I see this image my pain comes to the surface,

and I remember...vividly.

Life is so unsure in my world. Bipolar is only consistent in it's inconsistency. I get tired of the balancing act; it is never ending. Words that describe how it affects me: anger, overwhelmed, sad, guilty, tiresome, frustrated, judged, crazy, lonely, intense, regret, depressed, highs and lows, endless tears, irritable, complete fatigue, impulsiveness, racing thoughts, insomnia, impatience, misunderstood, and a pain beyond any description I can give. If you haven't lived it, you can't understand it. But a big thank you to those in my life who do try to understand the very best they can. We enjoy the good days and just try to make it through the bad. In spite of it all, I feel very blessed to have made it this far. It would have been easy to quit many times.

I have used this image before and here it is again. For some reason it just speaks to me. Tears have ruled my life for too many years to count. Last night I started a new book on mental illnesses and the unfairness of it all just hit full force and I couldn't stop crying. I think that I can speak for all those who carry these burdens in saying,

"IT SUCKS."

(and I don't even use that word.)

Kudos to all those who suffer with it,

and kudos to those who suffer alongside of them
with love and patience.
I love you Brent.

Quote

2010-01-16T16:40:00.000-08:00

"A person can react in three different ways to a chronic illness. The first is to give up. The second is to fight the diagnosis continually, which leads to despair because you get nowhere. The third road is to get active in your own behalf and take responsibilty for your well-being and your goals for the future."

Kathleen Lewis

Holiday Success

2010-01-01T12:27:00.000-08:00

I am happy to report that my health was good this year for the holidays. I have had some years where I barely survived and pulled off Christmas by the skin of my teeth. I always feel so bad for my family when I can't function well during such important and normally fun times of the year. I think that my understanding of how to live successfully with Bipolar has contributed to my ability to stay well during happy but stressful times. I only do what I can, I get plenty of rest, and everyone in the family understands when I need help and pitches in. I appreciate my family learning along with me how to help me live with a chronic illness. It has made all the difference for our entire family. Here are some random December pictures.

Go Boise State Broncos! Brent always makes me laugh. BSU is playing in the Fiesta Bowl next week and we are so excited! Too bad we aren't able to be there.

I love my tree and always hate it when it's time to take it down.

Bailey and her friend Canada at their Christmas dance recital.

I can't believe how fast she is growing up. Our baby is no longer a baby! We will become grandparents this year so I guess it is time. Now there will be another baby for us to enjoy. We are so excited but also feeling very old. : )

Dani, Bailey and I were able to go to Salt Lake for my best friends daughters wedding. I was worried about the weather and traveling with just us girls but we were lucky and the roads were clear.

Courtney & Adam

Dani and Courtney. They have been friends since they were toddlers.

Bailey and I. Mistletoe fun!

Brent and Dani. Two of the biggest clowns in our family!

Somethings wrong with this picture. Shouldn't he be smiling?

Hooky-Bobbing at 1:30 in the morning.

So many times I am unable to join in fun times like this. I am so grateful to have been a part of a memory that will last forever.

Bipolar Sleep Problems Article

2009-12-13T14:30:00.000-08:00

Here is the link. This website has some good information on Bipolar.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-disorder-and-sleep-problems.aspx?xid=nl_EverydayHealthDepressionandBipolarDisorder_20091213&xid=SendToAFriend

Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Problems

Are you tossing and turning at night, unable to get to sleep? It could be related to your bipolar disorder.

By Gayle Turim

If you have bipolar disorder, keeping to a regular sleep routine is crucial to keeping moods in check. But people with this disorder often have insomnia or other sleep issues. In fact, the relationship between sleep and bipolar disorder is very complex, says Ellen Frank, PhD, distinguished professor of psychiatry and professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine's Western Psychiatric Institute, and one of the country's leading researchers in this area of study. "Restless sleep when you have bipolar disorder can mean two very different things," explains Dr. Frank. "One, it can signal that an episode of mania or depression is coming. Or two, it can mean something external disturbed your usual sleep pattern. In that case, the sleep problem — even one night of missed sleep — can trigger a mania episode that might not have otherwise happened." What's more, says Frank, when manic symptoms occur as a result of poor sleep, you may begin to believe that you don't need to take your medications — which will likely have serious consequences.

Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Problems: What's the Connection?

Each body organ — from kidneys to muscles — has a gene that puts it on an internal 24-hour clock. These are called circadian genes, and the sleep-wake patterns, or rhythms, they produce are known as endogenous rhythms because they are produced within the body. However, as Frank explains, the sleep-wake cycle is also influenced by exogenous rhythms outside the body — such as the rising and setting of the sun, or mealtimes. "For instance," Frank says, "if my plane lands in Italy at seven a.m. and my gut's still on Pittsburgh time, where it's the middle of the night, I won't want to eat. But once I see sunshine, smell food cooking, and put something in my stomach, my organs will wake up: 'Hello! Something different is going on here.'" In people with bipolar disorder, both exogenous and endogenous rhythms are much more sensitive than in people without this condition, says Frank, which makes them prone to sleep disturbances.

Bipolar Disorder: Getting a Good Night's Rest

So how can people with bipolar disorder get the sleep they need? Frank suggests the following:

Track your daily patterns. Filling out a daily form called a "Social Rhythm Metric" can help identify your daily sleep-wake patterns as well as other regular activities, and also track how your mood corresponds to each. "It takes two minutes a day. You record when you got up, when you first had contact with another person, when you started work or school, when you had dinner, and when you went to bed," says Frank. By using the form over several weeks or months, you can figure out which bedtimes and wake times correspond to your best mood state.

Look out for zeitstorers! The German words "zeitgeber" (time-giver) and "zeitstorer" (time-taker) are used by researchers to describe different cues in your environment that can affect your schedule. A zeitgeber, says Frank, is an event or person that helps you maintain your routine — for example, a cat that should be let out at a given time or a spouse who must catch the same train daily. A zeitstorer, conversely, disturbs your routine, the way a business trip or overnight guests might. Figuring out how to maximize the use of zeitgebers and minimize the effect of zeitstorers will ultimately help improve your sleep and mental health.

Try IPSRT. Interpersonal and social rhythm therapy (IPSRT), developed by Frank and colleagues about 20 years ago, helps you understand the importance of regularity in your daily routines, especially how a consistent sleep/wake cycle can stabilize your mood and help to prevent new episodes of illness. "You learn to anticipate changes in routine, such as a vacation or a time when your spouse will be away, and how to maintain — as closely as possible — your usual sleep patterns in spite of these changes. You also learn how to carefully adhere to your usual medication regimen," says Frank.

Accept the situation and work with it. "This problem isn't going away," says Frank. Just because your spouse can choose to go to bed at eight p.m. one night and one a.m. the next and suffer no ill effects, you can't. You must make your sleep routine a priority of the household.

Like a Finely Tuned Watch

Frank sympathizes with how difficult it can be for people with bipolar disorder to regulate their sleep and other activity routines. "But I like to use an old TV commercial for Timex watches as an analogy," Frank says. "A Timex was thrown off the top of the Empire State Building, and when it hit the ground, it was still ticking. Well, you wouldn't get the same result if you threw a Piaget watch off the top of that building. It's an exquisitely sensitive instrument. And that's what we tell our patients: You aren't a Timex. You're a Piaget."

"Trust God No Matter What"

2009-11-29T13:48:00.000-08:00

Darla Isackson is an author of books and articles that I have read often. She has written a book titled "Trust God No Matter What". I have not read it yet but did come across a quote from a Thanksgiving article she wrote that I wanted to share. Sometimes I have a difficult time listening to others speak about the challenges of life when it appears that they have no trials. I try to remind myself that everyone has their own crosses to bear, even if we cannot see them. But, I find it easier to believe in the words of others when I know that they have experienced challenges similar to myself. Darla Isackson is someone I can listen to and believe. She has been through the fire and survived. She has gone through a difficult divorce, struggled with depression, and had a son who was clinically depressed commit suicide. For this reason I find her words comforting and believable.

I’m Learning to Trust God No Matter What!

"I now see that the only thing that makes it possible to thank God in all things is to Trust God No Matter What! That’s the title of my book that documents many spiritual lessons I’ve learned. I now stand as a witness that the only course in life that makes sense is trusting God no matter what and thanking him in all things. There is no light on any other path. And once we’ve tasted the light, darkness is unbearable.

"I know now that I can trust God no matter what because God cannot lie. His scriptural promises are sure. When He tells us that “all things work together for our good” (repeated three times in scripture) and that “all these things shall give [us] experience, and shall be for [our] good.”(D&C 122: 7)—even though we can’t imagine how it could be true, it IS true because God cannot lie.

I see now that gratitude is the very heart of faith, the very soul of trust in the Lord. I am lost without it, because without it I lose the Spirit. The Holy Ghost never participates in my whining, self-pity, negativity, or blindness to the Lord’s purposes. The Lord never motivates or inspires me to complain about my circumstances or the faults of others or to grovel in self-denigration. But whenever I am attending to the commandment to give thanks in all things the Spirit attends me and I feel joy—no matter how bad the circumstances might be. No wonder this commandment has been so often repeated.

This Thanksgiving season my prayer for all of us is that we turn our thoughts and minds and hearts to thanking God for life, for His plan, for the blessing of learning through experience, and for the knowledge that all things can work together for our good. In short, that we thank God in all things. Gratitude is the grand solution."

Darla Isackson

I Can Smile Today

2009-11-26T01:05:00.000-08:00

It is so interesting to me how quickly my downs can shift and all of a sudden everything feels right again. Today that happened for me. It is usually no doing on my part that I can see, but all of a sudden I have energy, motivation, and the ability to handle the everyday simple tasks that just moments ago had seemed insurmountable to me. For a few days I hadn't even been able to leave the house. I felt so sad, so tired, and so hopeless again. For me the outside world doesn't even exist until I am well again. When I get like this Bailey will give me a hug and ask, "What's wrong?" All I can say is that I am having a hard day. She has lived her whole eleven years with me struggling with my depression, mood swings, and energy shifts. She doesn't know any different. I can see that she has become a very independent girl which can be a good trait in her in life, but I feel sad that she hasn't had a "normal" childhood like my other kids did before I got so sick. If anything good can come from this I hope that my kids have developed an understanding and empathy for others. Everyone has their trials and challenges in life. This is one of ours. Today I am thankful that I can enjoy the holiday with my family.

Depression Gets Old

2009-11-23T22:13:00.000-08:00

I hate bad days. For whatever reason they come and then they like to stick around for awhile. It gets old. My energy is zapped, I have no motivation, I feel so sad and irritable, any thoughts of hope vanish and I feel sorry for those who have to live with me. I think that guilt is one of the biggest obstacles for me to overcome. It presses down on me so hard when I am not doing well. I just hate that people in my life have to pay the price of me being sick. One of my doctors told me that the bipolar is not me. It is not who I am, not my identity. I try to remember that but it feels like it is a very much an innate part of who I am. I feel guilty that it manifests itself through me, and in my distorted vision, it is "ME". Since he said that to me years ago I make it a point to say "I have Bipolar" not "I am Bipolar". But on my depressed and down days it feels that is all that I am...sick and hard to live with.

Maxine

2009-11-20T17:17:00.000-08:00

If I ever need a smile, all I need to do is read some of Maxine's comics. She is a favorite. Something about her crabby style connects with the feisty, sarcastic side of me. :) Enjoy!

2009-11-16T23:41:00.000-08:00

I wish that I had been able to recognize what was happening to me before I literally crashed in June of 2000 and was unable to function at all. For a long time I knew that something wasn't right but I didn't know the "language" of Clinical Depression or Bipolar Disorder and so I had no knowledge or experience to draw from. No one else seemed to understand what was happening to me either. For many years I just thought that I was a weak, stupid, incapable person who couldn't seem to handle life like everyone else. I tried to hide what I was thinking and feeling but I always feared that others would finally realize what a dumb person I was. Honestly, it was a relief to finally be diagnosed with first Major Clinical Depression and a few short months later with Bipolar Disorder. There was finally a reason for the insanity I was experiencing. And so began the long road to learning how to live with mental illness. I am amazed at all that I have learned over the years. I now feel like the "language" of depression is my second language instead of a foreign one. I wouldn't have asked for or chosen this particular road but I can say that I have learned and grown from my extremely difficult and painful experiences. My Bipolar Disorder is for life. I had to come to the point of acceptance and I had to learn how to be grateful for the blessings in my life. There are many days when I absolutely do not feel grateful at all but those days pass and I can then look at things with clearer vision. I am thankful for medication that keeps me stabilized. Without it, I would not be alive. I am thankful for understanding children and for a supportive husband who has weathered the storm with me and has not given up. I am thankful for the knowledge of a loving Savior who feels and knows my pain. It is still difficult to face the fact that I will never have the life that I envisioned for myself and for my family. But I have learned how to best live within my limitations and most of the time I realize that I can still have a happy, productive life even with a mental illness. There were many years when I thought it would be much better if I were dead. I would tell anyone who may be in that hopeless place of thinking to hang on. It will get better. It may take time, sometimes a lot of time like in my case, but there is always hope. Never, never give up.

Read the next post for symptoms of clinical depression.

Symptoms of Depression

2009-11-16T22:52:00.000-08:00

Spotting the Signs of Depression

By Chris Iliades, MD

Medically reviewed by Lindsey Marcellin, MD, MPH

Being in a "blue mood" sometimes is a normal part of life. If you lose a loved one or are laid off from your job, it is natural to be sad. When you have depression symptoms because of a stress that has occurred in your life, it is called "situational depression." Most people recover from situational depression over time, although it may take days or weeks.

However, when depression symptoms just won't go away and the depression starts to interfere with your ability to function, normally it is called "clinical depression" or “major depression.” Major depression is a serious illness that may last for weeks, months, or years. If you have major depression, you need to get help, so it is important to know which symptoms of depression might indicate it.

The symptoms of depression are overwhelming. People may describe major depression as a "black hole" that they just can't get out of. A sense of impending doom is also common in this type of depression. You may feel lifeless, limp, and apathetic.

Symptoms of Depression: 10 Warning Signs

People with serious depression do not all have the same symptoms, but they may include:

Sadness. When feeling sad is a symptom of depression, it may include feeling hopeless and empty. You may find that no matter how hard you try, you just can't control your negative thoughts. You may find yourself crying for no obvious reason.
Guilt. People with severe depression may feel that they are worthless and helpless. They may even experience their depression as a sign of weakness, and can be overly self-critical.
Irritability. This depression symptom may cause you to feel angry, anxious, or restless. Men who are seriously depressed often express their depression through aggression or reckless behavior.
Mental symptoms. If you have trouble concentrating, making decisions, or remembering details, these could be symptoms of depression. People with depression may feel that their thought processes have slowed down.
Physical symptoms. People with depression often have aches and pains, headaches, or digestive problems that do not seem to have any other medical cause and do not respond to treatment.
Loss of energy. If you have depression, you may feel tired all the time. People with depression may feel that their physical abilities are slowed down.
Loss of interest. A common depression symptom is loss of interest in pleasurable activities like sex, hobbies, or social interactions. This may also show up as neglecting your responsibilities and your physical grooming.
Sleep changes. Waking up too early in the morning, not being able to fall asleep, or sleeping too much can all be symptoms of depression.
Appetite changes. Changes in eating habits due to depression can result in eating too much or too little. A weight gain or loss of more than 5 percent of your body weight in one month is one of the warning signs of depression. Some people experience a loss of interest in food, while for others food becomes a way of compensating for feelings of depression.
Suicidal thoughts. Having thoughts of harming yourself is a serious symptom of depression and always needs to be taken seriously. If you’re thinking about suicide, you need to get help immediately.

Symptoms of Depression: No Shame or Weakness

If you have some of these classic symptoms of depression and the symptoms are severe and have lasted longer than a few weeks, you should seek help. The best place to start is with your doctor.

The American Psychiatric Association says that clinical depression affects 17 million Americans. In many cases, depression that could be successfully treated goes undiagnosed and untreated because symptoms of depression are ignored.

Depression is not a sign of weakness or a reason for shame — it is a serious illness. The positive news is that even in serious cases of clinical depression, treatment is usually very successful. And the earlier treatment is started, the more successful it is. So don't wait.

Glenn Close, Sister Jessie Close Tackle Mental Illness Awareness - ABC News

2009-11-11T23:47:00.000-08:00

Glenn Close, Sister Jessie Close Tackle Mental Illness Awareness - ABC News

This is a great video. I love when people have the courage to speak out about their mental illness. I have a tendency to lay it all out there which exposes me a little too much at times. When I do that I am opening the door for judgment and criticism and possibly the loss of friends. I will take that risk. I know personally how helpful it is to be validated and understood by those who live with the illness. It is critical for us to support one another in our difficult individual journeys. The more it is addressed publicly the more we will be understood by society.

Click on the title to watch the video

Old Man in Sorrow- Van Gogh

2009-10-31T17:24:00.000-07:00

"Well, we have to take our share of the illnesses of our time, and it seems after all only right that - having lived for years in relatively good health- we should sooner or later receive our part. As for me, you must know that I shouldn't have chosen madness if there had been any choice, but once such a thing has taken hold of you, you can't very well get out of it."

Vincent Van Gogh, from a letter written while he was involuntarily confined in a psychiatric hospital in 1889

How Quickly I Fall...

2009-10-27T11:50:00.000-07:00

When I was first diagnosed with severe clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder in 2000, I went on a quest to find out all that I could about my condition. It was actually a relief to find out that I had an illness and that I wasn't just an innately bad and stupid person. The book "Your Erroneous Zones" was recommended to me by my first doctor. When I went to pick it up from the library, I misread the title and thought it was "Your Erogenous Zones" and I thought "What the heck! What kind of doctor am I going to!" I quickly realized my mistake and immediately checked out the book along with about twenty others. As I read about the ten common ways of distorted thinking and took the self exam, I found that I did every single one of them to some extent. Not very encouraging, although I have learned that the first step to changing something is recognizing that it needs to be changed. Since then I have realized that when I am my normal self I can more easily recognize when I am starting to fall into these patterns and correct my thought processes. However, when I am in my depressed and down state, all normal thought reasoning leaves immediately and I find myself back to square one. Everything that I have studied and learned goes out the window. It gets frustrating. Sunday I fell apart after a very hectic and stressful week. Even happy times can be overwhelming and exhausting. And so I crashed and suddenly everything in my life was wrong and hopeless. I hate feeling that way and I hate that it affects my family. So I have been holed up in my bedroom and I am waiting for the down to end. One positive- Brent pointed out that at least now when I am in this state I usually recognize what is happening and it doesn't feel as much like "truth" like it used to. It doesn't make the emotions any easier to deal with but it helps me hang on until the deceptive thoughts and emotions leave. I would highly recommend this book.

Ten forms of distorted thinking

"Distorted thinking results from making faulty conclusions about the outside world. What we say to ourselves or how we interpret situations may not be logical. Faulty conclusions lead to anxiety, pain or other negative emotions. When people interpret experiences more clearly, their attitudes improve. Distorted thinking is a habit that can be changed, but it takes practice."

1. All or Nothing -The tendency to see situations as either all black or white. There is no middle ground.

2. Overgeneralization -Drawing a conclusion based on a single event or small piece of evidence.

3. Filtering- We only see what we want to see in a situation. We filter out other parts.

4. Magnification - Making mountains out of molehills. Everything is a potential tragedy.

5. Labeling - Putting tags on people or situations that are one-sided. Stereotyping.

6. Jumping to Conclusions - Making snap judgments or assumptions based on incomplete evidence

7. Shoulds - Following an inflexible rule list about how the world "should" act.

8. Blaming - Always looking for blame either in yourself or others. Situations seem easier if you can blame someone.

9. Disqualifying - A person reverses a compliment so that it is perceived as an insult.

10. Mistake of Control - Feeling totally helpless or totally powerful in a given situation.

Amazingly, this photo was taken right before I crashed. It is always surprising how fast I fall. I will just wait this one out...

Sometimes even a kiss won't help. :)

2009-10-22T00:41:00.001-07:00

Click on the image to enlarge

The Original Ten

2009-10-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

I have been contemplating the blessings in my life. At times I tend to be overwhelmed with the sadness that has been a part of my life for so many years and I forget to recognize the incredible blessings that I have been given. My extended family has been completely supportive throughout the years. As I have learned how to deal with the realities of Bipolar Disorder, my family has learned along with me. They have given me allowances when they are needed, accepted and loved me in spite of my mistakes, taken me in during my recovery times, and continually prayed for me and my family. They have let go of any expectations, which relieves me of any pressure I may put on myself and allows me to do my best without the fear of failing. I cannot stress enough how critical it is for me to feel loved, validated, understood and accepted, no matter what. They have given me that. I will love them forever.

Dina's Happy Fridge

2009-09-20T23:14:00.000-07:00

In my bipolar world there are times when I just need something to make me smile. I love pictures. I love my family and friends. And so, I created my happy fridge. It started with just a few pictures that made me smile and it soon extended to the entire side of my refrigerator. It may not be the prettiest or most fashionable look, but I love it. And I find that when anyone comes to the house they look over all the pictures. I change them every so often and add new ones when I can. One of Dani's new friends didn't have a place on my fridge but she recently left a surprise for me in the fridge one night. She had brought me chocolate cake and attached a note that said:
"DO NOT TOUCH- OR DEATH. DINA'S CHOCOLATE CAKE" And so her note earned a place on my happy fridge until I am able to get a real picture of her to take it's place. Actually, it got a pretty big smile so I may keep it up. My fridge can't take away my depression or sadness but sometimes it can help. :)

Helen Keller Dina

2009-09-17T22:31:00.000-07:00

I have an amazing best friend, Lynn, that has helped keep me alive these past nine years. She has been there for me every step of the way and I am so blessed to have her in life. Today as I was looking through my journals and letters I came across this e-mail she had sent me in June of 2005 in response to a pretty desperate cry for help. Her humor, insight, and ability to pull me back to reality has been such a lifeline for me. This was a time when I was in such a dark, depressed place that I was unable to remember having any happiness in my life at all. Besides feeling understood, accepted, and loved through this e-mail, she also used her humor to lift me that dark, lonely night. I have read and re-read it many times over the years.

Dina: "Lynn, what am I going to do with this stupid life of mine? I sit at the computer all night long playing solitaire, cruising the internet, reading about my illness, anything to try and take my mind off of the craziness. There was a time when I could see a point to this trial, some growth, some understanding. All I see now is destruction. Am I grounded in my faith? I am beginning to question. I thought that this was what it was all about and now I feel like I am back to square one. Why?!!! What is happening to me? I know that you will accept me whether I am Devil Dina, Dina the Destroyer, or just the regular Dina who is trying to figure life out. You are my dearest friend in the world. Please use your well known powers and make me well, okay?"

Lynn: "Dearest friend, BPDina,
You are right. I will forever love you and accept you no matter what you do. You could have an affair (although I wouldn't recommend it), you could be committed to a psychiatric ward for the rest of your life, you could eat all your children, you could become a pornography actress, you could even hate my guts and I would love you unconditionally. Regardless of the shape you are in, physically or emotionally, I love you because you are Dina. You don't have to DO anything to earn that love. It will forever be there. Of course, if you do become a porn queen I would have to kill you in your sleep because friends don't let friends do porn. Just wanted to state that for the record.

When you are in this kind of emotional state, you are Helen Keller. You can't SEE ANYTHING clearly. You can't HEAR ANYTHING clearly, and the things you say don't make a lick of sense. You are blind, deaf, and dumb. What's left of your brain is firing uncontrollably and you will do anything to make it stop--including abusing your new best friend, Tylenol PM. In short, you are CRAZY!!! But this isn't the real Dina, this is the Helen Keller Dina, the Chemical Mess Dina, the Pass the Valium Dina, the Raging Bull Destructo Solitaire Dina.

This Dina shows up from time to time. You never know when she will come knocking at the door and want to play. And when she shows up, you try to slam the door before she can come in but she pushes against it until the real Dina is slammed against the wall and Raging Bull Destructo Dina barges in and takes over. You don't like it when this Dina comes over to play but you can't stop her from barging in and taking over. Eventually, she gets tired and she goes back to her cave, leaving you to clean up the mess she has left in her wake. And you always do, wondering nervously when she will want to come over and play again. You don't choose to play with Helen Keller Dina, she just very rudely comes over without even being invited. No manners. None.

Eventually, I believe that with time and training, when Helen Keller Dina comes knocking at the door, you will be strong enough to keep her from barging in and destroying everything. It will take all your might and strength to hold her back and keep her out. You will have to acquire some state of the art locks on the door to prevent her from storming in. She may get a foot or an arm in, but in time you will be strong enough to squash her like a bug.

One day, she may even quit coming altogether and stay in her cave weeping, wailing and gnashing her teeth because Divine Dina, the real Dina, sees her coming down the street and drops an anvil on her head, like Wile E. Coyote, before she has a chance to even ring the doorbell.

Now, I have absolutely no idea where any of that came from, and I don't know why you can't just have a normal life. But here's what I do know, and I have said this before, you didn't pick this cross to bear. It picked you. Like it or not, it's yours, with your name engraved on it. When you are Helen Keller Dina, your arms and legs are shackled and there is no way you can even pick up your cross, let alone carry it.

This is when you must let others carry YOU AND YOUR CROSS. When Helen Keller Dina is back in her cave, you can not only carry your own cross, you help others carry theirs. Many, many others. Individuals and families who call you blessed for saving them.

Hang on until Helen leaves. She will. I love you."

Lynn comes as close to understanding depression as one can, who has not experienced it themselves. I hope that everyone has a friend like this that can help them hang on through the toughest of life's challenges and trials.

A Quote by the Real Helen Keller :)

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

hmmm...

2009-09-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

It is one of those journal reading days. Off to cry...

Blog "Beyond Blue" by Therese J Borchard

2009-09-14T06:57:00.000-07:00

http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/

5 Simple Exercises for Managing Anxiety

Friday September 11, 2009

Categories: Anxiety, Mental Health

"Even as I love the autumn season, it is full of anxiety for me.

I start to mourn the ending of summer when I hear the cicadas grow louder the last two weeks of August and when I feel the crispness in the air at that time, which brings less sunlight and longer nights. Then the back-to-school craze: buying shoes, supplies, backpacks, etc. and trying to catch up on the homework we didn't do during June and July. By the time I make it to the parent-teacher conferences in early September, when I hear about all the things I'm supposed to be doing with the kids, I'm well into panic mode.

Yesterday my therapist and I talked about a few coping exercises to keep my anxiety from disabling me this time of year.

1. Pick a sound or object to be your Xanax.

My therapist looks up to the clouds. They calm her down in traffic or whenever she feels anxious. For me it's the water. I don't now if it's because I'm a Pisces (fish), but the water has always calmed me down in the same way as Xanax, and since I don't take the latter (as a recovering alcoholic, I try to stay away from sedatives), I need to rely on the former. So I just downloaded some "ocean waves" that I can listen to on my iPod when I feel that familiar knot in my stomach.

2. Repeat: "I am good enough."

My therapist reminded me this morning that even if I don't meet other people's standards or my own, I am good enough for God. And that's all that really matters. So whenever I feel the pinch of anxiety when I don't have time to call back a friend or send a response to an email or write the blog post that I said I'd write, I should remind myself that I am good enough in the eyes of God.

3. Take it one minute at a time.

One cognitive adjustment that helps relieve anxiety is reminding myself that I don't have to think about 2:45 pm when I pick up the kids from school and how I will be able to cope with the noise and chaos when I'm feeling this way, or about the boundary issue I have with a friend--whether or not I'm strong enough to continue putting myself first in that relationship. All I have to worry about is the very second before me. If I am successful at breaking my time down that way, I usually discover that everything is fine for the moment.

4. Pay attention to your breath.

Another easy exercise to ground yourself in the moment and manage anxiety is to concentrate on your breath--and move it ever so gradually from your chest to your diaphragm--because the extra oxygen will send a message to your prefrontal cortex that every thing is just fine even though the fear center of the brain (the amygdala) doesn't think so at all.

5. Learn from it.

Anxiety doesn't have to be triggered by an event, but it certainly can motion some adjustment that you need to make in your life. My anxiety says that I am doing too much, once again. Over the summer I forgot about my fragile chemistry and attempted to work full time and take care of the kids full time until, in August, I was going on fumes. What adjustments do I need to make? Bite off less professionally and invest more energy into finding good help for the kids and housework. Because I can't do it all."

:)

2009-09-13T21:47:00.002-07:00

I made it through all three hours of church today without a tear! :)

Flashback

2009-09-12T21:57:00.000-07:00

I really struggle with day/night reversal in my sleep cycle. In the reading I have done this is very common with Bipolar Disorder- the sleep problems. Multiple times in the past five or six years it has completely flip-flopped and I am literally up until 5:00 or 6:00 in the morning and then have to get in a full eight hours or I can't function. I can't complain because I am doing so well compared to years past. I was diagnosed in 2001 and the journey to where I am at this point has been a literal nightmare but I have learned a lot and have been able to pass on my knowledge and experience to help others. It has especially been a blessing in regards to some of my children who have a similar diagnosis as myself. I believe that we have a responsibility to help others when we are in a good place. I still have to protect myself when I am not doing well and I have to pull my life into a tight circle. I have had to learn that my health comes before anything else or everyone around me suffers. I will do anything that is necessary to not have to go back to the hospital. Which brings me to the reason for this post. Over the years I have had a difficult time attending church. Emotionally I fall apart and have to leave in tears, and sometimes I have been in near hysterics. It gets old really fast, being embarrassed by my lack of control. When my sleep cycle reverses and I am up all night, it is especially difficult. So for years my attendance has been sporadic which makes me sad and ticks me off. But the past couple of months I have been doing so well and able to make it through the full three hours. Really, a small miracle for me. My sleep cycle has almost reversed again back to normal. And so, I was sitting in church a couple of weeks ago and the morning had been good. I didn't feel emotional, it felt good to be there and be able to participate, and I felt able to socialize. Out of the blue I had a flashback of one of my hospital stays. The memory and tears came hard and fast. When this happens the emotion is as real as it was when it happened back in 2003. The fear, terror, smells, the feeling of complete abandonment, the lack of control over my life, my perception of betrayal by those who made the decision to put me there, and on and on. It is hard to explain to those who haven't experienced it. Usually I can see a reason or trigger that brought the memory on but this time it made no sense. I hate when this happens because it is like living the nightmare all over again. I will never get used to the intense emotion that those who have Bipolar have to live with. It seems unreasonable to those around us but it is very real and overpowering. It drives me crazy not being able to make sense out of it all. I find that I still mourn over and over again the fact that I am unable to be the person that I feel I was meant to be. The word fragile is a good description of how my life has been since I "broke" in 2000. Even as well as things are now, fragile is still my word, my reality, and my world. To those who struggle in similar ways, know that I completely understand. As I attempted to learn to live with my illness I found that the only people who could truly help me see even a tiny glimmer of hope when I was in my dark place, were those who had suffered themselves. I think it is critical to have someone to talk to who "gets" it. I am so thankful for those who were there for me. Through our trials and suffering, we can turn something very difficult and unfair into something that can be a blessing to ourselves and to others. This can apply to any and all experiences we have in life. And so our challenge is to put to use our good times, and just survive our bad times. I have to remind myself that it will get better. I actually have letters that I have written to myself when I am in a good place to help me hang on during the downs. Because the words are my own, I am able to hang on to the "truth", instead of the lies, that tell me it is too hard to hang on to life and it will never get better. Just remember that there is always hope.

More writings of Jamie Darger

2009-09-10T21:39:00.000-07:00

"Notes on Madness"

If I could at least name this madness that approaches me. That circles me. If I could see well enough to it - to see the whites of it's eyes. If I could feel it's cold breathe on my palm...

This madness creeps slowly, quietly. It plans in it's down time it's stratagem. It lies like a snake in the grass. It moves like a thief in the night. It borrows time from another day like a hard earned junkie. It stays in the distance, howling like a coyote in the early evening. It never sleeps, this madness. When it arrives, when it comes through my ear, it tickles. My head, like being suddenly dunked into a barrel of water, paralyzed with fear, gasping for air. It flips like a switch. The neurons in my head call for anarchy. The realness of the moment is daunting, divisive, ominous. If there was a place to go, to run, there I would go. I move, getting nowhere it can't find me. Like trying to clean grease from your hands, with water. Like picking lint out of Velcro. Like scratching your throat with your tongue or trying to relieve the pressure of a headache mounted behind your eyelid.

Usually this madness forces me to a climax; wide eyed and shaking strikes to sweaty, panicked moment of doom. And as quickly as it comes...there it goes. Fading into the trees as a pouncing cat, light of it's paws.

In my down time I internalize it's impact. I make use by creating walls of dirt and mud and sticks; I rise my best defense position. I am no use to the world at times like these. I am at home, locked in, fearing the shadows that sneak into the darkness, plotting my defense. I would if I could plan an offensive. Track this madness to it's grounds- sneak into it's camp and destroy it...

I have attempted to go toe to toe with this passive aggressive monster. But losing myself to the fear I lead with the chin. Oh, this squeaking siren. This weaver of chaos. The best of my efforts are to no avail. This ghost, this wisp of strange smelling smoke, this chill. It is impervious to my action. My prayers fall short; I am shamed at my inability to master my thoughts. Where has this madness grown. Where was this conceived. Where are the parents of this creature...please, leave me- I am not your purpose! Go home to your own. There is no vacancy left in my head. I have drunk your poison! Is there more to bare? Still, there is no death for my wishful deed. There is no magic for my curse. Where am I to go from here?

Jamie Darger
2006

Jamie Darger

2009-09-10T09:37:00.000-07:00

I love my brother, Jamie's, poetry. I have already blogged a few of his and I just came across this one yesterday.

"Soon My Cheeks Will Rust"

the light of the setting sun

parades across the perforated
contour of the punch-out
mountains hovering in the distance.

and as the sun falls, so does my guard.

tears gather in the corners of my eyes
pushing and shoving to be the next
down my face.
soon they weigh down my smile.

with each blink, sorrow brings
yet another stream of despair
that floats the distance to my jaw.

the street lights that begin to come alive
reflect some hope
in the trails on my face, but still,
like some Indian warrior
painted for war, dressed in defeat,
they run.

soon my cheeks will rust.

jamie darger
1993

No one should have to live this way...

2009-09-05T05:27:00.000-07:00

"Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it; an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide."
"I am fortunate that I have not died from my illness, fortunate in having received the best medical care available, and fortunate in having the friends, colleagues, and family that I do."
Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings—from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.

Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:
Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood
Extreme irritability
Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
Distractibility, can't concentrate well
Little sleep needed
Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers
Poor judgment
Spending sprees
A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
Increased sexual drive
Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
Denial that anything is wrong
A manic episode is diagnosed if elevated mood occurs with three or more of the other symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for 1 week or longer. If the mood is irritable, four additional symptoms must be present.

Signs and symptoms of depression (or a depressive episode) include:
Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Restlessness or irritability
Sleeping too much, or can't sleep
Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain
Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury
Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts

My Hero

2009-09-03T14:41:00.001-07:00

There are certain people in my life that are my rocks during my hard times. My dad is one of those. I was thinking about him the other day and realized that I don't remember him ever getting angry. He has a steadiness about him that I envy. He just has a natural peace and confidence that calms me in my anxiety episodes. Just talking to him helps me. I wish that my innate personality and wellness was more like his. I am thankful to have him has my dad.
These are a few motto's that he wants his posterity to remember:

"The next life is better." (He reminds me of this every time life is hard.)

"Stay on the right road, going the right way, and every thing will be okay."

"You can't stand still. You are either moving forward or backward."

"God loves you unconditionally. If you don't feel it, you are the one who needs to change."

I am thankful that I have such a wise and righteous father. I love you dad.

"Rain"

2009-07-30T00:03:00.000-07:00

I love rainstorms! Someone just sent me this video and when I closed my eyes and just listened, it sounded so real. Very amazing. Now I wish it was raining and I was out on our patio wrapped in my favorite blanket drinking hot chocolate. Too bad it's the middle of the summer. :(

:(

2009-07-29T23:33:00.000-07:00

Some days life is just too stinking hard.

Quote by Bruce Hafen

2009-07-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

"The gospel was given to us to heal our pain, not to prevent it."

Bipolar Marriage Vows :)

2009-07-26T18:37:00.001-07:00

A Bipolar Serenity Prayer

2009-07-26T02:50:00.000-07:00

This is from a depression blog that I follow titled "Beyond Blue: A Spiritual Journey to Mental Health" by Therese J. Borchard

"A friend one time told me that the serenity prayer was the best description he knew of successful recovery from bipolar disorder. He described it a little differently than you normally hear:

God- Life is about more than me. There is a meaning and design to the world independent of what I think or feel. The first (and maybe biggest) trap of bipolar is to convince you that "it" is all about you and the measure of how things are is how you feel. "Life is not about what I can or cannot control, thank goodness, because so much of this is beyond my control." There is a "higher power." There is someone to turn to when I feel all alone and powerless and all feels loss.

grant me the serenity- "Grant"- that means it is a gift. It is not something I earn or create. Serenity is not something that I accomplish. It is something I accept. And again it means giving up my need to control. "If everytime I say control I could change it to manage or influence my life would be so much better." Serenity is a focus on here and now. It is not being angry or sad about things gone wrong, or anxious about things yet to go wrong. Serenity is about taking things as they come.

To accept the things I cannot change- acceptance is such a major part of dealing with this. So much time is needlessly worrying about "what I got", and not enough about "what I do with it." Control is a focus on what I got. Management is a focus on what I do with it. A first rule of walls- "No matter how much you bang your head on them it doesn't create a door to walk through."

the courage to change the things I can- To live with bipolar means to be scared. There is a good reason some people call it a "terminal disease." Positive steps are sometimes so small that they don't always even seem a step. There are enough wounds and scars that you can't help but worry sometimes about what is next. "And sometimes it so hard and so tiring and seems so impossible you just don't want to try. Giving up seems to make such good sense."

And the wisdom to know the difference- The beginning of all is to know. "Knowledge is necessity." A big part of knowing what to do is knowing what you got. Another major part of wisdom is staying focused. Looking. Not assuming that because something feels so it doesn't make it so. Wisdom also means realizing when you are not being so smart. The smartest thing is to be able to see our foolishness quick enough not to wreck.

It is important to realize that these things don't just happen sequentially. It isn't just do this first and this second and so on. Each one feeds into the other and the other feeds into it. Serenity helps give you courage, but courage increases your serenity. Wisdom helps to develop both, but each of them also increases wisdom. It is a net in effect. The serenity prayer in a real way is a safety net to keep you from drowning in the high waters of bipolar."

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

Bipolar Bear

2009-07-26T02:21:00.000-07:00

Arizona News July 17, 2009

2009-07-23T23:02:00.000-07:00

"Park officials on Friday identified the body a man who drove a car over the edge of the Grand Canyon earlier this week.

Gheorghe Chiriac, 57, of Apple Valley, Calif., emigrated to the United States about 30 years ago, according to the National Park Service. His death was ruled a suicide.

At about 6 a.m. Monday, officials received reports that a car had driven over the edge of the canyon near the El Tovar Hotel.

Park rangers found tire tracks indicating the car was driven up onto the curb of a loading area between hotel and and Kachina Lodge. The tracks showed that the car then veered left, traveling through the grass behind the lodge until it reached the Thunderbird Lodge. It veered right and into the canyon.

Because the car traveled a long distance from the roadway, there was no wall or barrier where it went over the edge, officials said.

Rescue personnel descended on ropes and located the vehicle approximately 600 feet below the rim. Chiriac's body was located shortly thereafter."

A few of the comments made by readers of the East Valley Tribune:

"While Im not insensitive to the mans apparent distraught mental state - It sure sucks he "molested " the Canyon with metal and broken glass and used such a large amount of manpower and resources in his very personal decision.
that had to be a major pain in the butt."

"I wonder if he was able to get one last cellphone call or perhaps even a text off to someone on his way down!!! RIP!!!"

"Sounds to me like he was looking for some attention in his suicide. Driving off the Grand Canyon? wow. And think of all the resources and money this cost the state of Arizona (you and me) to get this idiot and his car out of our canyon."

"Why not make it easy for people who want to off themselves at the Grand Canyon. Put a diving board on the edge."

Regarding the comments by readers of the news article- there are no words to describe the idiots in this world. This is insensitivity at the lowest of levels. It angers me and makes me so sad at the same time. I can guarantee that none of these people have experienced depression. I usually wouldn't wish the illness on anyone...but this time I think I will make an exception.

Truth Statements

2009-07-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

Depression takes away the ability to think and see reality clearly. Everything is dark, negative, and distorted in your mind. 2005 & 2006 were my worst years. During that time my goal was to just stay alive. My mind was telling me lies and I wasn't able to see the lies for what they were on my bad days. So I wrote what I titled "Truth Statements". I wrote these on a good day and when I was not thinking clearly I would read these statements to help me hang on for a better day.

Your mistakes are not the sum total of who you are.

You are not a weak person. You have handled many very difficult challenges and you have survived.

Keep looking to God for strength and support. Remember to ask Him for help daily.

You cannot do this without God. Do not try or you will fail.

Do not give in to the negative self-talk.

You are worthwhile and needed.

You are a good mother and your children need you. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise. Don't let them down play your role in their lives.

You are worthy to have God's spirit with you in spite of your mistakes.

You are a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves you. Make good choices because you love him.

Your illness is not you.

You have survived every one of your depressive episodes. You can do it again.

Dina- you do not want to die. You may feel as if you do, but those feelings will change soon.

When you can begin to see clearly again, your desire to live will return.

You are overwhelmed with everything right now. That is okay. When this episode passes your ability to handle normal stresses will return. It always has- always.

When you are vulnerable like this, do not give in to the lies. It will destroy you and those you love.

You will not find what you feel so desperate to have outside of yourself. No one can give you what you don't have yourself. No one.

God wants you to succeed.

You have people who love you. You may feel very alone but you are actually surrounded by many loved ones. Turn to them for strength.

God did not send you here to fail. He will not desert you but you must turn to Him.

YOU CAN AND WILL SURVIVE.

August 2006

My Bipolar Musts

2009-07-10T23:39:00.000-07:00

Living with a chronic illness is a hard fact to face. It took me many years to finally find my stable place and the things I have to do in order to stay well. I find that I still mourn the person that I feel I was meant to be but I am better at accepting my limitations and I know that I have to live within those limits or I am not well. When I get sick my family suffers along with me. Here are the top things that I have to do or I fall apart.

1. Medication

Finding the right combination of medications was my first step and that took eight long years and many doctors. It was only a year ago that we finally found the right dosages of two medications that seem to work best for me. It is interesting how fine-tuned they have to be. Bipolar is tricky that way. It is definitely much more difficult to treat than regular depression.

2. Stress Triggers

I did not realize how much stress affected my ability to function in the best way possible. Before I was diagnosed I couldn't understand why I was unable to handle life as well as everyone else. I have had to eliminate as much stress as possible, and minimize any others. A fact of Bipolar is that stress triggers the illness. It has been critical to have the support of Brent and my kids. It took many years for us to learn how to deal with this challenge together; learning that has made all the difference.

3. Sleep

I cannot function without my eight hours of sleep. Emotionally I fall apart and the tears take over. It is frustrating for me. I have also had the problem of day/night reversal. My brain thinks that day is night and night is day. I am up all night and have to get my sleep during the day. This has been happening for many years. There are times when it isn't as bad as others, but it has been a continual challenge. The more I learn the more I find out that sleep problems are just apart of the illness. Lucky us. :(

4. Exercise

When I am in a good place jogging has been good for me. There have been times when exercising is not even an option. The fatigue that comes with the depressive part of the bipolar is overwhelming. But I have been well enough the past few years to jog regularly. I usually run four to five miles on the treadmill each day. I feel so much better when I do.

5. Nutrition

This has been a difficult thing for me. I am a chocolate addict but I do notice a difference when I limit it. Caffeine is an enemy to anxiety, depression and bipolar. This is an area that I am still working on. :) We are all aware of how to eat nutritious, it is just whether we apply our knowledge.

6. Counseling

In everything I have read about bipolar, one of the musts is seeing a counselor for yourself and as a family. This is not something that we have been diligent about. I think that we would have made progress much quicker if we had. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy teaches you how to re-train your brain and get rid of incorrect thinking habits. I have read some good books and have learned a lot. This is another area that I need to keep working on.

I hate what this illness does to me and my family. Our lives have changed over these past nine years and it has been very hard but I can see much good that has come from learning through our adversity. I would not have survived without many friends and family who have kept me hanging onto life, literally. I am so thankful for the place that we are at right now. My life is much different that I would have imagined it would be, but a part of life is accepting the challenges that are thrown our way. One of my dads favorite comments is, "Dina, the next life is better." I hope so dad. :)

"Hope Sustains Us"

2009-07-03T00:08:00.001-07:00

"The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light.

"We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will 'work together for [our] good' (D&C 90:24) as we follow the counsel of God's prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair."

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Infinite Power of Hope," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 23

"Joy and Sadness for All"

2009-07-02T23:57:00.000-07:00

"Every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don't sing and bells don't ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result."

Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Come What May, and Love It," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 26

Angel of Courage

2009-06-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

I received my "Angel of Courage" Demdaco Willow Tree statue in 2003 from a good friend of mine after my first hospitalization. I have been collecting them since then but this one is the most meaningful and my favorite. Fighting Bipolar Disorder takes a lot of courage and faith; believing that all things can work for our good if we continue to turn to God for our strength. It is a daily battle for me even when things are going as well as they are at this point in my life. I have to continually remind myself that I am still living and breathing and that takes courage. I must be doing something right.

Trying to keep the humor...

2009-06-29T03:01:00.000-07:00

"Lullaby" by Creed

2009-06-29T02:44:00.000-07:00

I wish I could sleep....

Uplifting Quotes for a Depressed Heart

2009-06-20T02:06:00.000-07:00

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew."

Saint Francis de Sales

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

Stephan Hoeller

"Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment."

Greenville Kleisser

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

Helen Keller

"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

C.S. Lewis

"What you thought before has led to every choice you have made, and this adds up to you at this moment. If you want to change who you are physically, mentally, and spiritually, you will have to change what you think."

Dr. Patrick Gentempo

"Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness."

Reinhold Niebuhr

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

Leo Buscaglia

Enough said...

2009-06-14T23:40:00.000-07:00

Journal Entries

2009-06-13T22:14:00.000-07:00

2005 was one of my worst years since being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2001. When I read back on my journal entries I am amazed that I was able to hang on to life. For those who have not experienced severe clinical depression, I am sure that the words sound overly dramatic. They are not. When you are in that place, it is your reality and the despair is almost too much to live with. Periodically I am going to post some of my entries. For those who have been there, I know that you will understand the "language" of depression.

4-15-05

“I don’t know who I am. I don’t feel any purpose in my life. I have not lost my faith but I have a lot of questions. First and foremost: What am I supposed to do? I can’t even take care of myself. How can I take care of my family? Why do my kids have to have a crazy mom? I know that “I choose life” but it is really hard to maintain that rational and true thought when all in my life feels overwhelming and pointless. I am such a loser.”

“I feel like I am dying inside. What is wrong with me? I can’t see any hope of ever being able to be happy or function normally again. Why is this happening to me? How much longer can we take it? I think we are all so tired. I am an empty shell, living each day just so it can be over. But then I have to somehow face the next sunrise. Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I be well enough to take care of my family? I am no good to anyone.”

4-16-05

“I am so tired. I don’t see my purpose. I don’t see a way to keep living like this. My heart hurts so bad. Thoughts of going to sleep and never waking up would be welcome. I had a hard time last night- crying and hurting so bad inside. I feel scared to face the day. I am so tired of crying, feeling alone, not knowing where to turn. I pray all the time but I can’t hear or feel anything. I believe that God loves me but why do I have to suffer so long. I don’t know if I can do it. The pain and guilt is too deep.”

4-17-05

“I was going to write that I hate myself but that sounds a little strong, so I will say that I have a growing dislike for who I am today. I feel mad inside. I don’t like my inability to have control over my life. I don’t like being dependent on medication. I don’t like having no goals or drive in my life. I hate not understanding what the hell is wrong with me. Yesterday was good. Yippee. One day. And I don’t understand what I did different. How can I change if I don’t know what to change?”

4-24-05

“How can I be a loser my whole life? Was I ever able to function normally? This morning I feel like I have always been weak, emotionally insecure, unable to handle life appropriately no matter what age I was. I just want to shut down and hide. I think that I am going to fail. I am too weak to change. I am going back to the word broken- never to be fixed because I am weak and stupid. Does this sound like a mother in her forties who has five children and a husband? The word loser is written all over me. What is wrong with me? What is the point? One moment I am happy and content- next moment I am one of the worst people on this earth. I hate being dumb.”

5-16-05

“Today I had a couple of episodes of hard crying. The intense pain and lonelinest that I feel during these times are too difficult to even describe. My chest feels heavy with physical pain. It gets difficult for me to breathe, my whole body becomes completely tense and my head pounds. Sometimes if I take the bottom ends of my hands and press as hard as I can on my temples, then that will ease the pain a little. It’s so frustrating to feel so much emotional turmoil and not understand where it is coming from. What is the core? What is the beginning? How do you fix something when you don’t know why it is broken.

2009-06-12T23:43:00.000-07:00

Brown Eyes

2009-06-11T03:08:00.000-07:00

I found this video a few months ago and it makes me smile every time I watch it.

"Ideals"

2009-06-11T02:25:00.000-07:00

My dad had me memorize this quote when I was a teenager. I found it again years later in a file with some poetry and quotes that I had saved. I have a wise father.

“As you think, you travel; and as you love, you attract; you are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you. You cannot escape the results of your thoughts, but you can endure and learn, can accept and be glad. You will realize the vision (not the idle wish) of your heart, be it base or beautiful, or a mixture of both, for you will always gravitate towards that which you secretly most love. Into your hands will be placed the exact result of your thoughts. You will receive that which you earn, nor more- no less. Whatever your present environment may be, you will fall, remain, or rise with your thoughts, your vision, your ideal. You will become as small as your controlling desire, as great as your dominant aspiration.”

Van Dyke

Sanity Test :)

2009-06-09T22:36:00.000-07:00

"During a visit to a mental hospital, I asked the Director how he determines whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Bipolar Bear

2009-06-09T22:28:00.000-07:00

One of Those Days...

2009-06-09T01:27:00.001-07:00

It has been one of those days...just wait until it's over and hope that I will be better tomorrow. I get discouraged not being able to be who I really feel that I am. And I find that I go through times of grieving over and over, feeling so sad for what this illness has done to me and my family. I have to remind myself that I am in a wonderful place in comparison to years past. I need to remember to be grateful for the progress we have made and all that we have learned. Today I pulled out my "Bipolar Disorder for Dummies" book and re-read everything that I already know. Sometimes it just helps to feel validated for what I am experiencing. It is real and it is hard.

Friendship Magic

2009-06-09T00:25:00.000-07:00

I found this poem years ago and it became a favorite of mine. I have been meaning to post it for awhile. Every friendship I have ever had has brought something beneficial into my life. Without the support of so many, I would not be here today. Thanks.

It seems where ever I go
people come into my life,
or go out of it.
Touching me where ever I can feel,
then leaving me only a memory,
like the gossamer fairy tales of children,
easily forgotten-
and I wasn't through knowing them.
How do I know who i am seeing
for the last time?
How do you halt your life
to keep those around you
you've never known?
And how do you keep fairy tales
from losing their magic?
So come- brush against the walls
of my life
and stay long enough for us to
know each other.
Even though we'll have to part sometime,
and we both know the longer you stay
the more I'll want you back
when you're gone.
But come anyway-
for fairy tales are the happiest
stories we read
and great books are made of little chapters.

Anonymous

Faces of Me- YouTube Video

2009-06-01T02:19:00.000-07:00

Lifeline Scriptures

2009-05-28T00:48:00.000-07:00

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me"
Philippians 4:13

"And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."
Helaman 5:12

"I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day."
Alma 36:3

"...peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."
D&C 121:7-8

"...if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather in blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."
D&C 122:7

"For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God. For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal."
2 Corinthians: 17-18

Bipolar Quote

2009-05-28T00:23:00.000-07:00

"Bipolar illness takes a special brand of courage: to face every day and draw out of it what measure of happiness you can, while trudging on, trying to do the best you can. Bipolar illness is a heavy burden, and those who carry on beneath its weight are heroes among us."

Reaching for Hope

2009-05-19T04:43:00.000-07:00

This is the book that I reach for whenever I am having a bad day. Brent knows I am not doing good by the books that are strewn across the bed when he gets home at the end of the day. My bad day reads are: Reaching for Hope, The Bipolar Survival Guide, or my past journals. These are the days that I just hang on and hope they are over soon. I took one of my long drives to Horseshoe Bend the other night. I haven't had to do that for a long time. I am glad that my hard days don't come around as often as they used to.

Self Explanatory

2009-05-17T00:58:00.000-07:00

Crazy Carousel

2009-05-13T17:44:00.000-07:00

the carousel never stops.
no one gets on,
no one gets off.
i ride alone.
round and round it goes
as the shiny brass poles
move up and down
in one continuous, eternal circle.
this crazy carousel
is a ride of madness,
my ride straight from hell.
familiar faces encircle
the beautifully created structure;
their smiles blurring together
as i grow disillusioned
with the realities of my life.
others determine that i must
enjoy the ride
or i would remove myself from the
brightly painted pony
i sit astride.
do not think that i chose this lunacy.
i was not consulted before
the ride was set in motion,
for i would have declined
the deceptive enticement
of my childhood dreams.
i have grown weary of this
never-ending journey.
please stop this crazy carousel
and let me get off.
is there any that would like
to take my place?
maybe you will enjoy the ride
more than i,
or maybe the carousel will stop...
for you.

dina marie
march 2006

I Like Living

2009-05-11T02:24:00.000-07:00

What is Normal?

2009-05-11T01:48:00.000-07:00

I have caught myself saying, "I just want to be normal." But what defines normal? I found one definition: The usual, regular, or typical state, degree, or form. So, I have concluded that I am "normal" within the realm of Bipolar Disorder. I am okay... just as I am.

Shoshone Falls

2009-05-10T01:19:00.000-07:00

We attended a wedding in Salt Lake City this past weekend and on the way home Brent suggested we take a small detour to see the Shoshone Falls in Twin Falls. Because I have been sick so much since we moved here to Idaho, I haven't been able to do as much as I would have liked. It felt good to get out and enjoy such a beautiful place. I am so thankful for my good days. I have learned to better appreciate the reprieves that come more often now. Thanks for suggesting it Brent.

Sometimes You Gotta Laugh

2009-05-07T03:04:00.001-07:00

My Word

2009-05-07T01:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes this is all I can do;
it is enough.