Thursday, July 30, 2009
"Rain"
I love rainstorms! Someone just sent me this video and when I closed my eyes and just listened, it sounded so real. Very amazing. Now I wish it was raining and I was out on our patio wrapped in my favorite blanket drinking hot chocolate. Too bad it's the middle of the summer. :(
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
A Bipolar Serenity Prayer
This is from a depression blog that I follow titled "Beyond Blue: A Spiritual Journey to Mental Health" by Therese J. Borchard
"A friend one time told me that the serenity prayer was the best description he knew of successful recovery from bipolar disorder. He described it a little differently than you normally hear:
God- Life is about more than me. There is a meaning and design to the world independent of what I think or feel. The first (and maybe biggest) trap of bipolar is to convince you that "it" is all about you and the measure of how things are is how you feel. "Life is not about what I can or cannot control, thank goodness, because so much of this is beyond my control." There is a "higher power." There is someone to turn to when I feel all alone and powerless and all feels loss.
grant me the serenity- "Grant"- that means it is a gift. It is not something I earn or create. Serenity is not something that I accomplish. It is something I accept. And again it means giving up my need to control. "If everytime I say control I could change it to manage or influence my life would be so much better." Serenity is a focus on here and now. It is not being angry or sad about things gone wrong, or anxious about things yet to go wrong. Serenity is about taking things as they come.
To accept the things I cannot change- acceptance is such a major part of dealing with this. So much time is needlessly worrying about "what I got", and not enough about "what I do with it." Control is a focus on what I got. Management is a focus on what I do with it. A first rule of walls- "No matter how much you bang your head on them it doesn't create a door to walk through."
the courage to change the things I can- To live with bipolar means to be scared. There is a good reason some people call it a "terminal disease." Positive steps are sometimes so small that they don't always even seem a step. There are enough wounds and scars that you can't help but worry sometimes about what is next. "And sometimes it so hard and so tiring and seems so impossible you just don't want to try. Giving up seems to make such good sense."
And the wisdom to know the difference- The beginning of all is to know. "Knowledge is necessity." A big part of knowing what to do is knowing what you got. Another major part of wisdom is staying focused. Looking. Not assuming that because something feels so it doesn't make it so. Wisdom also means realizing when you are not being so smart. The smartest thing is to be able to see our foolishness quick enough not to wreck.
It is important to realize that these things don't just happen sequentially. It isn't just do this first and this second and so on. Each one feeds into the other and the other feeds into it. Serenity helps give you courage, but courage increases your serenity. Wisdom helps to develop both, but each of them also increases wisdom. It is a net in effect. The serenity prayer in a real way is a safety net to keep you from drowning in the high waters of bipolar."
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Arizona News July 17, 2009
"Park officials on Friday identified the body a man who drove a car over the edge of the Grand Canyon earlier this week.
Gheorghe Chiriac, 57, of Apple Valley, Calif., emigrated to the United States about 30 years ago, according to the National Park Service. His death was ruled a suicide.
At about 6 a.m. Monday, officials received reports that a car had driven over the edge of the canyon near the El Tovar Hotel.
Park rangers found tire tracks indicating the car was driven up onto the curb of a loading area between hotel and and Kachina Lodge. The tracks showed that the car then veered left, traveling through the grass behind the lodge until it reached the Thunderbird Lodge. It veered right and into the canyon.
Because the car traveled a long distance from the roadway, there was no wall or barrier where it went over the edge, officials said.
Rescue personnel descended on ropes and located the vehicle approximately 600 feet below the rim. Chiriac's body was located shortly thereafter."
A few of the comments made by readers of the East Valley Tribune:
"While Im not insensitive to the mans apparent distraught mental state - It sure sucks he "molested " the Canyon with metal and broken glass and used such a large amount of manpower and resources in his very personal decision.
that had to be a major pain in the butt."
"I wonder if he was able to get one last cellphone call or perhaps even a text off to someone on his way down!!! RIP!!!"
"Sounds to me like he was looking for some attention in his suicide. Driving off the Grand Canyon? wow. And think of all the resources and money this cost the state of Arizona (you and me) to get this idiot and his car out of our canyon."
"Why not make it easy for people who want to off themselves at the Grand Canyon. Put a diving board on the edge."
Regarding the comments by readers of the news article- there are no words to describe the idiots in this world. This is insensitivity at the lowest of levels. It angers me and makes me so sad at the same time. I can guarantee that none of these people have experienced depression. I usually wouldn't wish the illness on anyone...but this time I think I will make an exception.
Gheorghe Chiriac, 57, of Apple Valley, Calif., emigrated to the United States about 30 years ago, according to the National Park Service. His death was ruled a suicide.
At about 6 a.m. Monday, officials received reports that a car had driven over the edge of the canyon near the El Tovar Hotel.
Park rangers found tire tracks indicating the car was driven up onto the curb of a loading area between hotel and and Kachina Lodge. The tracks showed that the car then veered left, traveling through the grass behind the lodge until it reached the Thunderbird Lodge. It veered right and into the canyon.
Because the car traveled a long distance from the roadway, there was no wall or barrier where it went over the edge, officials said.
Rescue personnel descended on ropes and located the vehicle approximately 600 feet below the rim. Chiriac's body was located shortly thereafter."
A few of the comments made by readers of the East Valley Tribune:
"While Im not insensitive to the mans apparent distraught mental state - It sure sucks he "molested " the Canyon with metal and broken glass and used such a large amount of manpower and resources in his very personal decision.
that had to be a major pain in the butt."
"I wonder if he was able to get one last cellphone call or perhaps even a text off to someone on his way down!!! RIP!!!"
"Sounds to me like he was looking for some attention in his suicide. Driving off the Grand Canyon? wow. And think of all the resources and money this cost the state of Arizona (you and me) to get this idiot and his car out of our canyon."
"Why not make it easy for people who want to off themselves at the Grand Canyon. Put a diving board on the edge."
Regarding the comments by readers of the news article- there are no words to describe the idiots in this world. This is insensitivity at the lowest of levels. It angers me and makes me so sad at the same time. I can guarantee that none of these people have experienced depression. I usually wouldn't wish the illness on anyone...but this time I think I will make an exception.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Truth Statements
Depression takes away the ability to think and see reality clearly. Everything is dark, negative, and distorted in your mind. 2005 & 2006 were my worst years. During that time my goal was to just stay alive. My mind was telling me lies and I wasn't able to see the lies for what they were on my bad days. So I wrote what I titled "Truth Statements". I wrote these on a good day and when I was not thinking clearly I would read these statements to help me hang on for a better day.
Your mistakes are not the sum total of who you are.
You are not a weak person. You have handled many very difficult challenges and you have survived.
Keep looking to God for strength and support. Remember to ask Him for help daily.
You cannot do this without God. Do not try or you will fail.
Do not give in to the negative self-talk.
You are worthwhile and needed.
You are a good mother and your children need you. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise. Don't let them down play your role in their lives.
You are worthy to have God's spirit with you in spite of your mistakes.
You are a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves you. Make good choices because you love him.
Your illness is not you.
You have survived every one of your depressive episodes. You can do it again.
Dina- you do not want to die. You may feel as if you do, but those feelings will change soon.
When you can begin to see clearly again, your desire to live will return.
You are overwhelmed with everything right now. That is okay. When this episode passes your ability to handle normal stresses will return. It always has- always.
When you are vulnerable like this, do not give in to the lies. It will destroy you and those you love.
You will not find what you feel so desperate to have outside of yourself. No one can give you what you don't have yourself. No one.
God wants you to succeed.
You have people who love you. You may feel very alone but you are actually surrounded by many loved ones. Turn to them for strength.
God did not send you here to fail. He will not desert you but you must turn to Him.
YOU CAN AND WILL SURVIVE.
August 2006
Your mistakes are not the sum total of who you are.
You are not a weak person. You have handled many very difficult challenges and you have survived.
Keep looking to God for strength and support. Remember to ask Him for help daily.
You cannot do this without God. Do not try or you will fail.
Do not give in to the negative self-talk.
You are worthwhile and needed.
You are a good mother and your children need you. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise. Don't let them down play your role in their lives.
You are worthy to have God's spirit with you in spite of your mistakes.
You are a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves you. Make good choices because you love him.
Your illness is not you.
You have survived every one of your depressive episodes. You can do it again.
Dina- you do not want to die. You may feel as if you do, but those feelings will change soon.
When you can begin to see clearly again, your desire to live will return.
You are overwhelmed with everything right now. That is okay. When this episode passes your ability to handle normal stresses will return. It always has- always.
When you are vulnerable like this, do not give in to the lies. It will destroy you and those you love.
You will not find what you feel so desperate to have outside of yourself. No one can give you what you don't have yourself. No one.
God wants you to succeed.
You have people who love you. You may feel very alone but you are actually surrounded by many loved ones. Turn to them for strength.
God did not send you here to fail. He will not desert you but you must turn to Him.
YOU CAN AND WILL SURVIVE.
August 2006
Friday, July 10, 2009
My Bipolar Musts
Living with a chronic illness is a hard fact to face. It took me many years to finally find my stable place and the things I have to do in order to stay well. I find that I still mourn the person that I feel I was meant to be but I am better at accepting my limitations and I know that I have to live within those limits or I am not well. When I get sick my family suffers along with me. Here are the top things that I have to do or I fall apart.
1. Medication
Finding the right combination of medications was my first step and that took eight long years and many doctors. It was only a year ago that we finally found the right dosages of two medications that seem to work best for me. It is interesting how fine-tuned they have to be. Bipolar is tricky that way. It is definitely much more difficult to treat than regular depression.
2. Stress Triggers
I did not realize how much stress affected my ability to function in the best way possible. Before I was diagnosed I couldn't understand why I was unable to handle life as well as everyone else. I have had to eliminate as much stress as possible, and minimize any others. A fact of Bipolar is that stress triggers the illness. It has been critical to have the support of Brent and my kids. It took many years for us to learn how to deal with this challenge together; learning that has made all the difference.
3. Sleep
I cannot function without my eight hours of sleep. Emotionally I fall apart and the tears take over. It is frustrating for me. I have also had the problem of day/night reversal. My brain thinks that day is night and night is day. I am up all night and have to get my sleep during the day. This has been happening for many years. There are times when it isn't as bad as others, but it has been a continual challenge. The more I learn the more I find out that sleep problems are just apart of the illness. Lucky us. :(
4. Exercise
When I am in a good place jogging has been good for me. There have been times when exercising is not even an option. The fatigue that comes with the depressive part of the bipolar is overwhelming. But I have been well enough the past few years to jog regularly. I usually run four to five miles on the treadmill each day. I feel so much better when I do.
5. Nutrition
This has been a difficult thing for me. I am a chocolate addict but I do notice a difference when I limit it. Caffeine is an enemy to anxiety, depression and bipolar. This is an area that I am still working on. :) We are all aware of how to eat nutritious, it is just whether we apply our knowledge.
6. Counseling
In everything I have read about bipolar, one of the musts is seeing a counselor for yourself and as a family. This is not something that we have been diligent about. I think that we would have made progress much quicker if we had. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy teaches you how to re-train your brain and get rid of incorrect thinking habits. I have read some good books and have learned a lot. This is another area that I need to keep working on.
I hate what this illness does to me and my family. Our lives have changed over these past nine years and it has been very hard but I can see much good that has come from learning through our adversity. I would not have survived without many friends and family who have kept me hanging onto life, literally. I am so thankful for the place that we are at right now. My life is much different that I would have imagined it would be, but a part of life is accepting the challenges that are thrown our way. One of my dads favorite comments is, "Dina, the next life is better." I hope so dad. :)
1. Medication
Finding the right combination of medications was my first step and that took eight long years and many doctors. It was only a year ago that we finally found the right dosages of two medications that seem to work best for me. It is interesting how fine-tuned they have to be. Bipolar is tricky that way. It is definitely much more difficult to treat than regular depression.
2. Stress Triggers
I did not realize how much stress affected my ability to function in the best way possible. Before I was diagnosed I couldn't understand why I was unable to handle life as well as everyone else. I have had to eliminate as much stress as possible, and minimize any others. A fact of Bipolar is that stress triggers the illness. It has been critical to have the support of Brent and my kids. It took many years for us to learn how to deal with this challenge together; learning that has made all the difference.
3. Sleep
I cannot function without my eight hours of sleep. Emotionally I fall apart and the tears take over. It is frustrating for me. I have also had the problem of day/night reversal. My brain thinks that day is night and night is day. I am up all night and have to get my sleep during the day. This has been happening for many years. There are times when it isn't as bad as others, but it has been a continual challenge. The more I learn the more I find out that sleep problems are just apart of the illness. Lucky us. :(
4. Exercise
When I am in a good place jogging has been good for me. There have been times when exercising is not even an option. The fatigue that comes with the depressive part of the bipolar is overwhelming. But I have been well enough the past few years to jog regularly. I usually run four to five miles on the treadmill each day. I feel so much better when I do.
5. Nutrition
This has been a difficult thing for me. I am a chocolate addict but I do notice a difference when I limit it. Caffeine is an enemy to anxiety, depression and bipolar. This is an area that I am still working on. :) We are all aware of how to eat nutritious, it is just whether we apply our knowledge.
6. Counseling
In everything I have read about bipolar, one of the musts is seeing a counselor for yourself and as a family. This is not something that we have been diligent about. I think that we would have made progress much quicker if we had. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy teaches you how to re-train your brain and get rid of incorrect thinking habits. I have read some good books and have learned a lot. This is another area that I need to keep working on.
I hate what this illness does to me and my family. Our lives have changed over these past nine years and it has been very hard but I can see much good that has come from learning through our adversity. I would not have survived without many friends and family who have kept me hanging onto life, literally. I am so thankful for the place that we are at right now. My life is much different that I would have imagined it would be, but a part of life is accepting the challenges that are thrown our way. One of my dads favorite comments is, "Dina, the next life is better." I hope so dad. :)
Friday, July 3, 2009
"Hope Sustains Us"
"The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light.
"We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will 'work together for [our] good' (D&C 90:24) as we follow the counsel of God's prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair."
Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Infinite Power of Hope," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 23
"We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will 'work together for [our] good' (D&C 90:24) as we follow the counsel of God's prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair."
Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Infinite Power of Hope," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 23
Thursday, July 2, 2009
"Joy and Sadness for All"
"Every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don't sing and bells don't ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result."
Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Come What May, and Love It," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 26
Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Come What May, and Love It," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 26
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