Bipolar Sleep Problems Article

Here is the link. This website has some good information on Bipolar.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-disorder-and-sleep-problems.aspx?xid=nl_EverydayHealthDepressionandBipolarDisorder_20091213&xid=SendToAFriend

Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Problems

Are you tossing and turning at night, unable to get to sleep? It could be related to your bipolar disorder.

By Gayle Turim

If you have bipolar disorder, keeping to a regular sleep routine is crucial to keeping moods in check. But people with this disorder often have insomnia or other sleep issues. In fact, the relationship between sleep and bipolar disorder is very complex, says Ellen Frank, PhD, distinguished professor of psychiatry and professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine's Western Psychiatric Institute, and one of the country's leading researchers in this area of study. "Restless sleep when you have bipolar disorder can mean two very different things," explains Dr. Frank. "One, it can signal that an episode of mania or depression is coming. Or two, it can mean something external disturbed your usual sleep pattern. In that case, the sleep problem — even one night of missed sleep — can trigger a mania episode that might not have otherwise happened." What's more, says Frank, when manic symptoms occur as a result of poor sleep, you may begin to believe that you don't need to take your medications — which will likely have serious consequences.

Bipolar Disorder and Sleep Problems: What's the Connection?

Each body organ — from kidneys to muscles — has a gene that puts it on an internal 24-hour clock. These are called circadian genes, and the sleep-wake patterns, or rhythms, they produce are known as endogenous rhythms because they are produced within the body. However, as Frank explains, the sleep-wake cycle is also influenced by exogenous rhythms outside the body — such as the rising and setting of the sun, or mealtimes. "For instance," Frank says, "if my plane lands in Italy at seven a.m. and my gut's still on Pittsburgh time, where it's the middle of the night, I won't want to eat. But once I see sunshine, smell food cooking, and put something in my stomach, my organs will wake up: 'Hello! Something different is going on here.'" In people with bipolar disorder, both exogenous and endogenous rhythms are much more sensitive than in people without this condition, says Frank, which makes them prone to sleep disturbances.

Bipolar Disorder: Getting a Good Night's Rest

So how can people with bipolar disorder get the sleep they need? Frank suggests the following:

Track your daily patterns. Filling out a daily form called a "Social Rhythm Metric" can help identify your daily sleep-wake patterns as well as other regular activities, and also track how your mood corresponds to each. "It takes two minutes a day. You record when you got up, when you first had contact with another person, when you started work or school, when you had dinner, and when you went to bed," says Frank. By using the form over several weeks or months, you can figure out which bedtimes and wake times correspond to your best mood state.

Look out for zeitstorers! The German words "zeitgeber" (time-giver) and "zeitstorer" (time-taker) are used by researchers to describe different cues in your environment that can affect your schedule. A zeitgeber, says Frank, is an event or person that helps you maintain your routine — for example, a cat that should be let out at a given time or a spouse who must catch the same train daily. A zeitstorer, conversely, disturbs your routine, the way a business trip or overnight guests might. Figuring out how to maximize the use of zeitgebers and minimize the effect of zeitstorers will ultimately help improve your sleep and mental health.

Try IPSRT. Interpersonal and social rhythm therapy (IPSRT), developed by Frank and colleagues about 20 years ago, helps you understand the importance of regularity in your daily routines, especially how a consistent sleep/wake cycle can stabilize your mood and help to prevent new episodes of illness. "You learn to anticipate changes in routine, such as a vacation or a time when your spouse will be away, and how to maintain — as closely as possible — your usual sleep patterns in spite of these changes. You also learn how to carefully adhere to your usual medication regimen," says Frank.

Accept the situation and work with it. "This problem isn't going away," says Frank. Just because your spouse can choose to go to bed at eight p.m. one night and one a.m. the next and suffer no ill effects, you can't. You must make your sleep routine a priority of the household.

Like a Finely Tuned Watch

Frank sympathizes with how difficult it can be for people with bipolar disorder to regulate their sleep and other activity routines. "But I like to use an old TV commercial for Timex watches as an analogy," Frank says. "A Timex was thrown off the top of the Empire State Building, and when it hit the ground, it was still ticking. Well, you wouldn't get the same result if you threw a Piaget watch off the top of that building. It's an exquisitely sensitive instrument. And that's what we tell our patients: You aren't a Timex. You're a Piaget."

"Trust God No Matter What"

Darla Isackson is an author of books and articles that I have read often. She has written a book titled "Trust God No Matter What". I have not read it yet but did come across a quote from a Thanksgiving article she wrote that I wanted to share. Sometimes I have a difficult time listening to others speak about the challenges of life when it appears that they have no trials. I try to remind myself that everyone has their own crosses to bear, even if we cannot see them. But, I find it easier to believe in the words of others when I know that they have experienced challenges similar to myself. Darla Isackson is someone I can listen to and believe. She has been through the fire and survived. She has gone through a difficult divorce, struggled with depression, and had a son who was clinically depressed commit suicide. For this reason I find her words comforting and believable.

I’m Learning to Trust God No Matter What!

"I now see that the only thing that makes it possible to thank God in all things is to Trust God No Matter What! That’s the title of my book that documents many spiritual lessons I’ve learned. I now stand as a witness that the only course in life that makes sense is trusting God no matter what and thanking him in all things. There is no light on any other path. And once we’ve tasted the light, darkness is unbearable.

"I know now that I can trust God no matter what because God cannot lie. His scriptural promises are sure. When He tells us that “all things work together for our good” (repeated three times in scripture) and that “all these things shall give [us] experience, and shall be for [our] good.”(D&C 122: 7)—even though we can’t imagine how it could be true, it IS true because God cannot lie.

I see now that gratitude is the very heart of faith, the very soul of trust in the Lord. I am lost without it, because without it I lose the Spirit. The Holy Ghost never participates in my whining, self-pity, negativity, or blindness to the Lord’s purposes. The Lord never motivates or inspires me to complain about my circumstances or the faults of others or to grovel in self-denigration. But whenever I am attending to the commandment to give thanks in all things the Spirit attends me and I feel joy—no matter how bad the circumstances might be. No wonder this commandment has been so often repeated.

This Thanksgiving season my prayer for all of us is that we turn our thoughts and minds and hearts to thanking God for life, for His plan, for the blessing of learning through experience, and for the knowledge that all things can work together for our good. In short, that we thank God in all things. Gratitude is the grand solution."

Darla Isackson

I Can Smile Today

It is so interesting to me how quickly my downs can shift and all of a sudden everything feels right again. Today that happened for me. It is usually no doing on my part that I can see, but all of a sudden I have energy, motivation, and the ability to handle the everyday simple tasks that just moments ago had seemed insurmountable to me. For a few days I hadn't even been able to leave the house. I felt so sad, so tired, and so hopeless again. For me the outside world doesn't even exist until I am well again. When I get like this Bailey will give me a hug and ask, "What's wrong?" All I can say is that I am having a hard day. She has lived her whole eleven years with me struggling with my depression, mood swings, and energy shifts. She doesn't know any different. I can see that she has become a very independent girl which can be a good trait in her in life, but I feel sad that she hasn't had a "normal" childhood like my other kids did before I got so sick. If anything good can come from this I hope that my kids have developed an understanding and empathy for others. Everyone has their trials and challenges in life. This is one of ours. Today I am thankful that I can enjoy the holiday with my family.

Depression Gets Old

I hate bad days. For whatever reason they come and then they like to stick around for awhile. It gets old. My energy is zapped, I have no motivation, I feel so sad and irritable, any thoughts of hope vanish and I feel sorry for those who have to live with me. I think that guilt is one of the biggest obstacles for me to overcome. It presses down on me so hard when I am not doing well. I just hate that people in my life have to pay the price of me being sick. One of my doctors told me that the bipolar is not me. It is not who I am, not my identity. I try to remember that but it feels like it is a very much an innate part of who I am. I feel guilty that it manifests itself through me, and in my distorted vision, it is "ME". Since he said that to me years ago I make it a point to say "I have Bipolar" not "I am Bipolar". But on my depressed and down days it feels that is all that I am...sick and hard to live with.

Maxine

If I ever need a smile, all I need to do is read some of Maxine's comics. She is a favorite. Something about her crabby style connects with the feisty, sarcastic side of me. :) Enjoy!

I wish that I had been able to recognize what was happening to me before I literally crashed in June of 2000 and was unable to function at all. For a long time I knew that something wasn't right but I didn't know the "language" of Clinical Depression or Bipolar Disorder and so I had no knowledge or experience to draw from. No one else seemed to understand what was happening to me either. For many years I just thought that I was a weak, stupid, incapable person who couldn't seem to handle life like everyone else. I tried to hide what I was thinking and feeling but I always feared that others would finally realize what a dumb person I was. Honestly, it was a relief to finally be diagnosed with first Major Clinical Depression and a few short months later with Bipolar Disorder. There was finally a reason for the insanity I was experiencing. And so began the long road to learning how to live with mental illness. I am amazed at all that I have learned over the years. I now feel like the "language" of depression is my second language instead of a foreign one. I wouldn't have asked for or chosen this particular road but I can say that I have learned and grown from my extremely difficult and painful experiences. My Bipolar Disorder is for life. I had to come to the point of acceptance and I had to learn how to be grateful for the blessings in my life. There are many days when I absolutely do not feel grateful at all but those days pass and I can then look at things with clearer vision. I am thankful for medication that keeps me stabilized. Without it, I would not be alive. I am thankful for understanding children and for a supportive husband who has weathered the storm with me and has not given up. I am thankful for the knowledge of a loving Savior who feels and knows my pain. It is still difficult to face the fact that I will never have the life that I envisioned for myself and for my family. But I have learned how to best live within my limitations and most of the time I realize that I can still have a happy, productive life even with a mental illness. There were many years when I thought it would be much better if I were dead. I would tell anyone who may be in that hopeless place of thinking to hang on. It will get better. It may take time, sometimes a lot of time like in my case, but there is always hope. Never, never give up.

Read the next post for symptoms of clinical depression.

Symptoms of Depression

Spotting the Signs of Depression

By Chris Iliades, MD

Medically reviewed by Lindsey Marcellin, MD, MPH

Being in a "blue mood" sometimes is a normal part of life. If you lose a loved one or are laid off from your job, it is natural to be sad. When you have depression symptoms because of a stress that has occurred in your life, it is called "situational depression." Most people recover from situational depression over time, although it may take days or weeks.

However, when depression symptoms just won't go away and the depression starts to interfere with your ability to function, normally it is called "clinical depression" or “major depression.” Major depression is a serious illness that may last for weeks, months, or years. If you have major depression, you need to get help, so it is important to know which symptoms of depression might indicate it.

The symptoms of depression are overwhelming. People may describe major depression as a "black hole" that they just can't get out of. A sense of impending doom is also common in this type of depression. You may feel lifeless, limp, and apathetic.

Symptoms of Depression: 10 Warning Signs

People with serious depression do not all have the same symptoms, but they may include:

• Sadness. When feeling sad is a symptom of depression, it may include feeling hopeless and empty. You may find that no matter how hard you try, you just can't control your negative thoughts. You may find yourself crying for no obvious reason.
• Guilt. People with severe depression may feel that they are worthless and helpless. They may even experience their depression as a sign of weakness, and can be overly self-critical.
• Irritability. This depression symptom may cause you to feel angry, anxious, or restless. Men who are seriously depressed often express their depression through aggression or reckless behavior.
• Mental symptoms. If you have trouble concentrating, making decisions, or remembering details, these could be symptoms of depression. People with depression may feel that their thought processes have slowed down.
• Physical symptoms. People with depression often have aches and pains, headaches, or digestive problems that do not seem to have any other medical cause and do not respond to treatment.
• Loss of energy. If you have depression, you may feel tired all the time. People with depression may feel that their physical abilities are slowed down.
• Loss of interest. A common depression symptom is loss of interest in pleasurable activities like sex, hobbies, or social interactions. This may also show up as neglecting your responsibilities and your physical grooming.
• Sleep changes. Waking up too early in the morning, not being able to fall asleep, or sleeping too much can all be symptoms of depression.
• Appetite changes. Changes in eating habits due to depression can result in eating too much or too little. A weight gain or loss of more than 5 percent of your body weight in one month is one of the warning signs of depression. Some people experience a loss of interest in food, while for others food becomes a way of compensating for feelings of depression.
• Suicidal thoughts. Having thoughts of harming yourself is a serious symptom of depression and always needs to be taken seriously. If you’re thinking about suicide, you need to get help immediately.

Symptoms of Depression: No Shame or Weakness

If you have some of these classic symptoms of depression and the symptoms are severe and have lasted longer than a few weeks, you should seek help. The best place to start is with your doctor.

The American Psychiatric Association says that clinical depression affects 17 million Americans. In many cases, depression that could be successfully treated goes undiagnosed and untreated because symptoms of depression are ignored.

Depression is not a sign of weakness or a reason for shame — it is a serious illness. The positive news is that even in serious cases of clinical depression, treatment is usually very successful. And the earlier treatment is started, the more successful it is. So don't wait.

Glenn Close, Sister Jessie Close Tackle Mental Illness Awareness - ABC News

Glenn Close, Sister Jessie Close Tackle Mental Illness Awareness - ABC News

This is a great video. I love when people have the courage to speak out about their mental illness. I have a tendency to lay it all out there which exposes me a little too much at times. When I do that I am opening the door for judgment and criticism and possibly the loss of friends. I will take that risk. I know personally how helpful it is to be validated and understood by those who live with the illness. It is critical for us to support one another in our difficult individual journeys. The more it is addressed publicly the more we will be understood by society.

Click on the title to watch the video

Old Man in Sorrow- Van Gogh

"Well, we have to take our share of the illnesses of our time, and it seems after all only right that - having lived for years in relatively good health- we should sooner or later receive our part. As for me, you must know that I shouldn't have chosen madness if there had been any choice, but once such a thing has taken hold of you, you can't very well get out of it."

Vincent Van Gogh, from a letter written while he was involuntarily confined in a psychiatric hospital in 1889

How Quickly I Fall...

When I was first diagnosed with severe clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder in 2000, I went on a quest to find out all that I could about my condition. It was actually a relief to find out that I had an illness and that I wasn't just an innately bad and stupid person. The book "Your Erroneous Zones" was recommended to me by my first doctor. When I went to pick it up from the library, I misread the title and thought it was "Your Erogenous Zones" and I thought "What the heck! What kind of doctor am I going to!" I quickly realized my mistake and immediately checked out the book along with about twenty others. As I read about the ten common ways of distorted thinking and took the self exam, I found that I did every single one of them to some extent. Not very encouraging, although I have learned that the first step to changing something is recognizing that it needs to be changed. Since then I have realized that when I am my normal self I can more easily recognize when I am starting to fall into these patterns and correct my thought processes. However, when I am in my depressed and down state, all normal thought reasoning leaves immediately and I find myself back to square one. Everything that I have studied and learned goes out the window. It gets frustrating. Sunday I fell apart after a very hectic and stressful week. Even happy times can be overwhelming and exhausting. And so I crashed and suddenly everything in my life was wrong and hopeless. I hate feeling that way and I hate that it affects my family. So I have been holed up in my bedroom and I am waiting for the down to end. One positive- Brent pointed out that at least now when I am in this state I usually recognize what is happening and it doesn't feel as much like "truth" like it used to. It doesn't make the emotions any easier to deal with but it helps me hang on until the deceptive thoughts and emotions leave. I would highly recommend this book.




Ten forms of distorted thinking

"Distorted thinking results from making faulty conclusions about the outside world. What we say to ourselves or how we interpret situations may not be logical. Faulty conclusions lead to anxiety, pain or other negative emotions. When people interpret experiences more clearly, their attitudes improve. Distorted thinking is a habit that can be changed, but it takes practice."

1. All or Nothing -The tendency to see situations as either all black or white. There is no middle ground.

2. Overgeneralization -Drawing a conclusion based on a single event or small piece of evidence.

3. Filtering- We only see what we want to see in a situation. We filter out other parts.

4. Magnification - Making mountains out of molehills. Everything is a potential tragedy.

5. Labeling - Putting tags on people or situations that are one-sided. Stereotyping.

6. Jumping to Conclusions - Making snap judgments or assumptions based on incomplete evidence

7. Shoulds - Following an inflexible rule list about how the world "should" act.

8. Blaming - Always looking for blame either in yourself or others. Situations seem easier if you can blame someone.

9. Disqualifying - A person reverses a compliment so that it is perceived as an insult.

10. Mistake of Control - Feeling totally helpless or totally powerful in a given situation.



Amazingly, this photo was taken right before I crashed. It is always surprising how fast I fall. I will just wait this one out...

Sometimes even a kiss won't help. :)

Click on the image to enlarge

The Original Ten

I have been contemplating the blessings in my life. At times I tend to be overwhelmed with the sadness that has been a part of my life for so many years and I forget to recognize the incredible blessings that I have been given. My extended family has been completely supportive throughout the years. As I have learned how to deal with the realities of Bipolar Disorder, my family has learned along with me. They have given me allowances when they are needed, accepted and loved me in spite of my mistakes, taken me in during my recovery times, and continually prayed for me and my family. They have let go of any expectations, which relieves me of any pressure I may put on myself and allows me to do my best without the fear of failing. I cannot stress enough how critical it is for me to feel loved, validated, understood and accepted, no matter what. They have given me that. I will love them forever.

Dina's Happy Fridge

In my bipolar world there are times when I just need something to make me smile. I love pictures. I love my family and friends. And so, I created my happy fridge. It started with just a few pictures that made me smile and it soon extended to the entire side of my refrigerator. It may not be the prettiest or most fashionable look, but I love it. And I find that when anyone comes to the house they look over all the pictures. I change them every so often and add new ones when I can. One of Dani's new friends didn't have a place on my fridge but she recently left a surprise for me in the fridge one night. She had brought me chocolate cake and attached a note that said:
"DO NOT TOUCH- OR DEATH. DINA'S CHOCOLATE CAKE" And so her note earned a place on my happy fridge until I am able to get a real picture of her to take it's place. Actually, it got a pretty big smile so I may keep it up. My fridge can't take away my depression or sadness but sometimes it can help. :)

Helen Keller Dina

I have an amazing best friend, Lynn, that has helped keep me alive these past nine years. She has been there for me every step of the way and I am so blessed to have her in life. Today as I was looking through my journals and letters I came across this e-mail she had sent me in June of 2005 in response to a pretty desperate cry for help. Her humor, insight, and ability to pull me back to reality has been such a lifeline for me. This was a time when I was in such a dark, depressed place that I was unable to remember having any happiness in my life at all. Besides feeling understood, accepted, and loved through this e-mail, she also used her humor to lift me that dark, lonely night. I have read and re-read it many times over the years.

Dina: "Lynn, what am I going to do with this stupid life of mine? I sit at the computer all night long playing solitaire, cruising the internet, reading about my illness, anything to try and take my mind off of the craziness. There was a time when I could see a point to this trial, some growth, some understanding. All I see now is destruction. Am I grounded in my faith? I am beginning to question. I thought that this was what it was all about and now I feel like I am back to square one. Why?!!! What is happening to me? I know that you will accept me whether I am Devil Dina, Dina the Destroyer, or just the regular Dina who is trying to figure life out. You are my dearest friend in the world. Please use your well known powers and make me well, okay?"

Lynn: "Dearest friend, BPDina,
You are right. I will forever love you and accept you no matter what you do. You could have an affair (although I wouldn't recommend it), you could be committed to a psychiatric ward for the rest of your life, you could eat all your children, you could become a pornography actress, you could even hate my guts and I would love you unconditionally. Regardless of the shape you are in, physically or emotionally, I love you because you are Dina. You don't have to DO anything to earn that love. It will forever be there. Of course, if you do become a porn queen I would have to kill you in your sleep because friends don't let friends do porn. Just wanted to state that for the record.

When you are in this kind of emotional state, you are Helen Keller. You can't SEE ANYTHING clearly. You can't HEAR ANYTHING clearly, and the things you say don't make a lick of sense. You are blind, deaf, and dumb. What's left of your brain is firing uncontrollably and you will do anything to make it stop--including abusing your new best friend, Tylenol PM. In short, you are CRAZY!!! But this isn't the real Dina, this is the Helen Keller Dina, the Chemical Mess Dina, the Pass the Valium Dina, the Raging Bull Destructo Solitaire Dina.

This Dina shows up from time to time. You never know when she will come knocking at the door and want to play. And when she shows up, you try to slam the door before she can come in but she pushes against it until the real Dina is slammed against the wall and Raging Bull Destructo Dina barges in and takes over. You don't like it when this Dina comes over to play but you can't stop her from barging in and taking over. Eventually, she gets tired and she goes back to her cave, leaving you to clean up the mess she has left in her wake. And you always do, wondering nervously when she will want to come over and play again. You don't choose to play with Helen Keller Dina, she just very rudely comes over without even being invited. No manners. None.

Eventually, I believe that with time and training, when Helen Keller Dina comes knocking at the door, you will be strong enough to keep her from barging in and destroying everything. It will take all your might and strength to hold her back and keep her out. You will have to acquire some state of the art locks on the door to prevent her from storming in. She may get a foot or an arm in, but in time you will be strong enough to squash her like a bug.

One day, she may even quit coming altogether and stay in her cave weeping, wailing and gnashing her teeth because Divine Dina, the real Dina, sees her coming down the street and drops an anvil on her head, like Wile E. Coyote, before she has a chance to even ring the doorbell.

Now, I have absolutely no idea where any of that came from, and I don't know why you can't just have a normal life. But here's what I do know, and I have said this before, you didn't pick this cross to bear. It picked you. Like it or not, it's yours, with your name engraved on it. When you are Helen Keller Dina, your arms and legs are shackled and there is no way you can even pick up your cross, let alone carry it.

This is when you must let others carry YOU AND YOUR CROSS. When Helen Keller Dina is back in her cave, you can not only carry your own cross, you help others carry theirs. Many, many others. Individuals and families who call you blessed for saving them.

Hang on until Helen leaves. She will. I love you."

Lynn comes as close to understanding depression as one can, who has not experienced it themselves. I hope that everyone has a friend like this that can help them hang on through the toughest of life's challenges and trials.



A Quote by the Real Helen Keller :)

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

hmmm...

It is one of those journal reading days. Off to cry...

Blog "Beyond Blue" by Therese J Borchard

http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/

5 Simple Exercises for Managing Anxiety

Friday September 11, 2009

Categories: Anxiety, Mental Health

"Even as I love the autumn season, it is full of anxiety for me.

I start to mourn the ending of summer when I hear the cicadas grow louder the last two weeks of August and when I feel the crispness in the air at that time, which brings less sunlight and longer nights. Then the back-to-school craze: buying shoes, supplies, backpacks, etc. and trying to catch up on the homework we didn't do during June and July. By the time I make it to the parent-teacher conferences in early September, when I hear about all the things I'm supposed to be doing with the kids, I'm well into panic mode.

Yesterday my therapist and I talked about a few coping exercises to keep my anxiety from disabling me this time of year.

1. Pick a sound or object to be your Xanax.

My therapist looks up to the clouds. They calm her down in traffic or whenever she feels anxious. For me it's the water. I don't now if it's because I'm a Pisces (fish), but the water has always calmed me down in the same way as Xanax, and since I don't take the latter (as a recovering alcoholic, I try to stay away from sedatives), I need to rely on the former. So I just downloaded some "ocean waves" that I can listen to on my iPod when I feel that familiar knot in my stomach.

2. Repeat: "I am good enough."

My therapist reminded me this morning that even if I don't meet other people's standards or my own, I am good enough for God. And that's all that really matters. So whenever I feel the pinch of anxiety when I don't have time to call back a friend or send a response to an email or write the blog post that I said I'd write, I should remind myself that I am good enough in the eyes of God.

3. Take it one minute at a time.

One cognitive adjustment that helps relieve anxiety is reminding myself that I don't have to think about 2:45 pm when I pick up the kids from school and how I will be able to cope with the noise and chaos when I'm feeling this way, or about the boundary issue I have with a friend--whether or not I'm strong enough to continue putting myself first in that relationship. All I have to worry about is the very second before me. If I am successful at breaking my time down that way, I usually discover that everything is fine for the moment.

4. Pay attention to your breath.

Another easy exercise to ground yourself in the moment and manage anxiety is to concentrate on your breath--and move it ever so gradually from your chest to your diaphragm--because the extra oxygen will send a message to your prefrontal cortex that every thing is just fine even though the fear center of the brain (the amygdala) doesn't think so at all.

5. Learn from it.

Anxiety doesn't have to be triggered by an event, but it certainly can motion some adjustment that you need to make in your life. My anxiety says that I am doing too much, once again. Over the summer I forgot about my fragile chemistry and attempted to work full time and take care of the kids full time until, in August, I was going on fumes. What adjustments do I need to make? Bite off less professionally and invest more energy into finding good help for the kids and housework. Because I can't do it all."

:)

I made it through all three hours of church today without a tear! :)

Flashback

I really struggle with day/night reversal in my sleep cycle. In the reading I have done this is very common with Bipolar Disorder- the sleep problems. Multiple times in the past five or six years it has completely flip-flopped and I am literally up until 5:00 or 6:00 in the morning and then have to get in a full eight hours or I can't function. I can't complain because I am doing so well compared to years past. I was diagnosed in 2001 and the journey to where I am at this point has been a literal nightmare but I have learned a lot and have been able to pass on my knowledge and experience to help others. It has especially been a blessing in regards to some of my children who have a similar diagnosis as myself. I believe that we have a responsibility to help others when we are in a good place. I still have to protect myself when I am not doing well and I have to pull my life into a tight circle. I have had to learn that my health comes before anything else or everyone around me suffers. I will do anything that is necessary to not have to go back to the hospital. Which brings me to the reason for this post. Over the years I have had a difficult time attending church. Emotionally I fall apart and have to leave in tears, and sometimes I have been in near hysterics. It gets old really fast, being embarrassed by my lack of control. When my sleep cycle reverses and I am up all night, it is especially difficult. So for years my attendance has been sporadic which makes me sad and ticks me off. But the past couple of months I have been doing so well and able to make it through the full three hours. Really, a small miracle for me. My sleep cycle has almost reversed again back to normal. And so, I was sitting in church a couple of weeks ago and the morning had been good. I didn't feel emotional, it felt good to be there and be able to participate, and I felt able to socialize. Out of the blue I had a flashback of one of my hospital stays. The memory and tears came hard and fast. When this happens the emotion is as real as it was when it happened back in 2003. The fear, terror, smells, the feeling of complete abandonment, the lack of control over my life, my perception of betrayal by those who made the decision to put me there, and on and on. It is hard to explain to those who haven't experienced it. Usually I can see a reason or trigger that brought the memory on but this time it made no sense. I hate when this happens because it is like living the nightmare all over again. I will never get used to the intense emotion that those who have Bipolar have to live with. It seems unreasonable to those around us but it is very real and overpowering. It drives me crazy not being able to make sense out of it all. I find that I still mourn over and over again the fact that I am unable to be the person that I feel I was meant to be. The word fragile is a good description of how my life has been since I "broke" in 2000. Even as well as things are now, fragile is still my word, my reality, and my world. To those who struggle in similar ways, know that I completely understand. As I attempted to learn to live with my illness I found that the only people who could truly help me see even a tiny glimmer of hope when I was in my dark place, were those who had suffered themselves. I think it is critical to have someone to talk to who "gets" it. I am so thankful for those who were there for me. Through our trials and suffering, we can turn something very difficult and unfair into something that can be a blessing to ourselves and to others. This can apply to any and all experiences we have in life. And so our challenge is to put to use our good times, and just survive our bad times. I have to remind myself that it will get better. I actually have letters that I have written to myself when I am in a good place to help me hang on during the downs. Because the words are my own, I am able to hang on to the "truth", instead of the lies, that tell me it is too hard to hang on to life and it will never get better. Just remember that there is always hope.

More writings of Jamie Darger

"Notes on Madness"

If I could at least name this madness that approaches me. That circles me. If I could see well enough to it - to see the whites of it's eyes. If I could feel it's cold breathe on my palm...

This madness creeps slowly, quietly. It plans in it's down time it's stratagem. It lies like a snake in the grass. It moves like a thief in the night. It borrows time from another day like a hard earned junkie. It stays in the distance, howling like a coyote in the early evening. It never sleeps, this madness. When it arrives, when it comes through my ear, it tickles. My head, like being suddenly dunked into a barrel of water, paralyzed with fear, gasping for air. It flips like a switch. The neurons in my head call for anarchy. The realness of the moment is daunting, divisive, ominous. If there was a place to go, to run, there I would go. I move, getting nowhere it can't find me. Like trying to clean grease from your hands, with water. Like picking lint out of Velcro. Like scratching your throat with your tongue or trying to relieve the pressure of a headache mounted behind your eyelid.

Usually this madness forces me to a climax; wide eyed and shaking strikes to sweaty, panicked moment of doom. And as quickly as it comes...there it goes. Fading into the trees as a pouncing cat, light of it's paws.

In my down time I internalize it's impact. I make use by creating walls of dirt and mud and sticks; I rise my best defense position. I am no use to the world at times like these. I am at home, locked in, fearing the shadows that sneak into the darkness, plotting my defense. I would if I could plan an offensive. Track this madness to it's grounds- sneak into it's camp and destroy it...

I have attempted to go toe to toe with this passive aggressive monster. But losing myself to the fear I lead with the chin. Oh, this squeaking siren. This weaver of chaos. The best of my efforts are to no avail. This ghost, this wisp of strange smelling smoke, this chill. It is impervious to my action. My prayers fall short; I am shamed at my inability to master my thoughts. Where has this madness grown. Where was this conceived. Where are the parents of this creature...please, leave me- I am not your purpose! Go home to your own. There is no vacancy left in my head. I have drunk your poison! Is there more to bare? Still, there is no death for my wishful deed. There is no magic for my curse. Where am I to go from here?

Jamie Darger
2006

Jamie Darger

I love my brother, Jamie's, poetry. I have already blogged a few of his and I just came across this one yesterday.

"Soon My Cheeks Will Rust"

the light of the setting sun

parades across the perforated
contour of the punch-out
mountains hovering in the distance.

and as the sun falls, so does my guard.

tears gather in the corners of my eyes
pushing and shoving to be the next
down my face.
soon they weigh down my smile.

with each blink, sorrow brings
yet another stream of despair
that floats the distance to my jaw.

the street lights that begin to come alive
reflect some hope
in the trails on my face, but still,
like some Indian warrior
painted for war, dressed in defeat,
they run.

soon my cheeks will rust.

jamie darger
1993

No one should have to live this way...

"Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it; an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide."
"I am fortunate that I have not died from my illness, fortunate in having received the best medical care available, and fortunate in having the friends, colleagues, and family that I do."
Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings—from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.


Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:
Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood
Extreme irritability
Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
Distractibility, can't concentrate well
Little sleep needed
Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers
Poor judgment
Spending sprees
A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
Increased sexual drive
Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
Denial that anything is wrong
A manic episode is diagnosed if elevated mood occurs with three or more of the other symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for 1 week or longer. If the mood is irritable, four additional symptoms must be present.


Signs and symptoms of depression (or a depressive episode) include:
Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Restlessness or irritability
Sleeping too much, or can't sleep
Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain
Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury
Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts

My Hero

There are certain people in my life that are my rocks during my hard times. My dad is one of those. I was thinking about him the other day and realized that I don't remember him ever getting angry. He has a steadiness about him that I envy. He just has a natural peace and confidence that calms me in my anxiety episodes. Just talking to him helps me. I wish that my innate personality and wellness was more like his. I am thankful to have him has my dad.
These are a few motto's that he wants his posterity to remember:

"The next life is better." (He reminds me of this every time life is hard.)

"Stay on the right road, going the right way, and every thing will be okay."

"You can't stand still. You are either moving forward or backward."

"God loves you unconditionally. If you don't feel it, you are the one who needs to change."

I am thankful that I have such a wise and righteous father. I love you dad.

"Rain"

I love rainstorms! Someone just sent me this video and when I closed my eyes and just listened, it sounded so real. Very amazing. Now I wish it was raining and I was out on our patio wrapped in my favorite blanket drinking hot chocolate. Too bad it's the middle of the summer. :(

:(

Some days life is just too stinking hard.

Quote by Bruce Hafen

"The gospel was given to us to heal our pain, not to prevent it."

Bipolar Marriage Vows :)

A Bipolar Serenity Prayer

This is from a depression blog that I follow titled "Beyond Blue: A Spiritual Journey to Mental Health" by Therese J. Borchard

"A friend one time told me that the serenity prayer was the best description he knew of successful recovery from bipolar disorder. He described it a little differently than you normally hear:

God- Life is about more than me. There is a meaning and design to the world independent of what I think or feel. The first (and maybe biggest) trap of bipolar is to convince you that "it" is all about you and the measure of how things are is how you feel. "Life is not about what I can or cannot control, thank goodness, because so much of this is beyond my control." There is a "higher power." There is someone to turn to when I feel all alone and powerless and all feels loss.

grant me the serenity- "Grant"- that means it is a gift. It is not something I earn or create. Serenity is not something that I accomplish. It is something I accept. And again it means giving up my need to control. "If everytime I say control I could change it to manage or influence my life would be so much better." Serenity is a focus on here and now. It is not being angry or sad about things gone wrong, or anxious about things yet to go wrong. Serenity is about taking things as they come.

To accept the things I cannot change- acceptance is such a major part of dealing with this. So much time is needlessly worrying about "what I got", and not enough about "what I do with it." Control is a focus on what I got. Management is a focus on what I do with it. A first rule of walls- "No matter how much you bang your head on them it doesn't create a door to walk through."

the courage to change the things I can- To live with bipolar means to be scared. There is a good reason some people call it a "terminal disease." Positive steps are sometimes so small that they don't always even seem a step. There are enough wounds and scars that you can't help but worry sometimes about what is next. "And sometimes it so hard and so tiring and seems so impossible you just don't want to try. Giving up seems to make such good sense."

And the wisdom to know the difference- The beginning of all is to know. "Knowledge is necessity." A big part of knowing what to do is knowing what you got. Another major part of wisdom is staying focused. Looking. Not assuming that because something feels so it doesn't make it so. Wisdom also means realizing when you are not being so smart. The smartest thing is to be able to see our foolishness quick enough not to wreck.

It is important to realize that these things don't just happen sequentially. It isn't just do this first and this second and so on. Each one feeds into the other and the other feeds into it. Serenity helps give you courage, but courage increases your serenity. Wisdom helps to develop both, but each of them also increases wisdom. It is a net in effect. The serenity prayer in a real way is a safety net to keep you from drowning in the high waters of bipolar."

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

Bipolar Bear

Arizona News July 17, 2009

"Park officials on Friday identified the body a man who drove a car over the edge of the Grand Canyon earlier this week.

Gheorghe Chiriac, 57, of Apple Valley, Calif., emigrated to the United States about 30 years ago, according to the National Park Service. His death was ruled a suicide.

At about 6 a.m. Monday, officials received reports that a car had driven over the edge of the canyon near the El Tovar Hotel.

Park rangers found tire tracks indicating the car was driven up onto the curb of a loading area between hotel and and Kachina Lodge. The tracks showed that the car then veered left, traveling through the grass behind the lodge until it reached the Thunderbird Lodge. It veered right and into the canyon.

Because the car traveled a long distance from the roadway, there was no wall or barrier where it went over the edge, officials said.

Rescue personnel descended on ropes and located the vehicle approximately 600 feet below the rim. Chiriac's body was located shortly thereafter."


A few of the comments made by readers of the East Valley Tribune:

"While Im not insensitive to the mans apparent distraught mental state - It sure sucks he "molested " the Canyon with metal and broken glass and used such a large amount of manpower and resources in his very personal decision.
that had to be a major pain in the butt."

"I wonder if he was able to get one last cellphone call or perhaps even a text off to someone on his way down!!! RIP!!!"

"Sounds to me like he was looking for some attention in his suicide. Driving off the Grand Canyon? wow. And think of all the resources and money this cost the state of Arizona (you and me) to get this idiot and his car out of our canyon."

"Why not make it easy for people who want to off themselves at the Grand Canyon. Put a diving board on the edge."

Regarding the comments by readers of the news article- there are no words to describe the idiots in this world. This is insensitivity at the lowest of levels. It angers me and makes me so sad at the same time. I can guarantee that none of these people have experienced depression. I usually wouldn't wish the illness on anyone...but this time I think I will make an exception.

Truth Statements

Depression takes away the ability to think and see reality clearly. Everything is dark, negative, and distorted in your mind. 2005 & 2006 were my worst years. During that time my goal was to just stay alive. My mind was telling me lies and I wasn't able to see the lies for what they were on my bad days. So I wrote what I titled "Truth Statements". I wrote these on a good day and when I was not thinking clearly I would read these statements to help me hang on for a better day.



Your mistakes are not the sum total of who you are.

You are not a weak person. You have handled many very difficult challenges and you have survived.

Keep looking to God for strength and support. Remember to ask Him for help daily.

You cannot do this without God. Do not try or you will fail.

Do not give in to the negative self-talk.

You are worthwhile and needed.

You are a good mother and your children need you. Don't let anyone make you think otherwise. Don't let them down play your role in their lives.

You are worthy to have God's spirit with you in spite of your mistakes.

You are a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves you. Make good choices because you love him.

Your illness is not you.

You have survived every one of your depressive episodes. You can do it again.

Dina- you do not want to die. You may feel as if you do, but those feelings will change soon.

When you can begin to see clearly again, your desire to live will return.

You are overwhelmed with everything right now. That is okay. When this episode passes your ability to handle normal stresses will return. It always has- always.

When you are vulnerable like this, do not give in to the lies. It will destroy you and those you love.

You will not find what you feel so desperate to have outside of yourself. No one can give you what you don't have yourself. No one.

God wants you to succeed.

You have people who love you. You may feel very alone but you are actually surrounded by many loved ones. Turn to them for strength.

God did not send you here to fail. He will not desert you but you must turn to Him.

YOU CAN AND WILL SURVIVE.

August 2006

My Bipolar Musts

Living with a chronic illness is a hard fact to face. It took me many years to finally find my stable place and the things I have to do in order to stay well. I find that I still mourn the person that I feel I was meant to be but I am better at accepting my limitations and I know that I have to live within those limits or I am not well. When I get sick my family suffers along with me. Here are the top things that I have to do or I fall apart.

1. Medication

Finding the right combination of medications was my first step and that took eight long years and many doctors. It was only a year ago that we finally found the right dosages of two medications that seem to work best for me. It is interesting how fine-tuned they have to be. Bipolar is tricky that way. It is definitely much more difficult to treat than regular depression.

2. Stress Triggers

I did not realize how much stress affected my ability to function in the best way possible. Before I was diagnosed I couldn't understand why I was unable to handle life as well as everyone else. I have had to eliminate as much stress as possible, and minimize any others. A fact of Bipolar is that stress triggers the illness. It has been critical to have the support of Brent and my kids. It took many years for us to learn how to deal with this challenge together; learning that has made all the difference.

3. Sleep

I cannot function without my eight hours of sleep. Emotionally I fall apart and the tears take over. It is frustrating for me. I have also had the problem of day/night reversal. My brain thinks that day is night and night is day. I am up all night and have to get my sleep during the day. This has been happening for many years. There are times when it isn't as bad as others, but it has been a continual challenge. The more I learn the more I find out that sleep problems are just apart of the illness. Lucky us. :(

4. Exercise

When I am in a good place jogging has been good for me. There have been times when exercising is not even an option. The fatigue that comes with the depressive part of the bipolar is overwhelming. But I have been well enough the past few years to jog regularly. I usually run four to five miles on the treadmill each day. I feel so much better when I do.

5. Nutrition

This has been a difficult thing for me. I am a chocolate addict but I do notice a difference when I limit it. Caffeine is an enemy to anxiety, depression and bipolar. This is an area that I am still working on. :) We are all aware of how to eat nutritious, it is just whether we apply our knowledge.

6. Counseling

In everything I have read about bipolar, one of the musts is seeing a counselor for yourself and as a family. This is not something that we have been diligent about. I think that we would have made progress much quicker if we had. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy teaches you how to re-train your brain and get rid of incorrect thinking habits. I have read some good books and have learned a lot. This is another area that I need to keep working on.

I hate what this illness does to me and my family. Our lives have changed over these past nine years and it has been very hard but I can see much good that has come from learning through our adversity. I would not have survived without many friends and family who have kept me hanging onto life, literally. I am so thankful for the place that we are at right now. My life is much different that I would have imagined it would be, but a part of life is accepting the challenges that are thrown our way. One of my dads favorite comments is, "Dina, the next life is better." I hope so dad. :)

"Hope Sustains Us"

"The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light.

"We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will 'work together for [our] good' (D&C 90:24) as we follow the counsel of God's prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair."

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Infinite Power of Hope," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 23

"Joy and Sadness for All"

"Every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don't sing and bells don't ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result."

Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Come What May, and Love It," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 26

Angel of Courage

I received my "Angel of Courage" Demdaco Willow Tree statue in 2003 from a good friend of mine after my first hospitalization. I have been collecting them since then but this one is the most meaningful and my favorite. Fighting Bipolar Disorder takes a lot of courage and faith; believing that all things can work for our good if we continue to turn to God for our strength. It is a daily battle for me even when things are going as well as they are at this point in my life. I have to continually remind myself that I am still living and breathing and that takes courage. I must be doing something right.

Trying to keep the humor...

"Lullaby" by Creed

I wish I could sleep....

Uplifting Quotes for a Depressed Heart

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew."

Saint Francis de Sales


"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

Stephan Hoeller


"Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment."

Greenville Kleisser


Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

Helen Keller


"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

C.S. Lewis


"What you thought before has led to every choice you have made, and this adds up to you at this moment. If you want to change who you are physically, mentally, and spiritually, you will have to change what you think."

Dr. Patrick Gentempo


"Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness."

Reinhold Niebuhr


"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

Leo Buscaglia