Lifeline Scriptures

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me"
Philippians 4:13


"And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."
Helaman 5:12


"I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day."
Alma 36:3


"...peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."
D&C 121:7-8


"...if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather in blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."
D&C 122:7


"For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God. For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal."
2 Corinthians: 17-18

Bipolar Quote

"Bipolar illness takes a special brand of courage: to face every day and draw out of it what measure of happiness you can, while trudging on, trying to do the best you can. Bipolar illness is a heavy burden, and those who carry on beneath its weight are heroes among us."

Reaching for Hope

This is the book that I reach for whenever I am having a bad day. Brent knows I am not doing good by the books that are strewn across the bed when he gets home at the end of the day. My bad day reads are: Reaching for Hope, The Bipolar Survival Guide, or my past journals. These are the days that I just hang on and hope they are over soon. I took one of my long drives to Horseshoe Bend the other night. I haven't had to do that for a long time. I am glad that my hard days don't come around as often as they used to.

Self Explanatory

Crazy Carousel

the carousel never stops.
no one gets on,
no one gets off.
i ride alone.
round and round it goes
as the shiny brass poles
move up and down
in one continuous, eternal circle.
this crazy carousel
is a ride of madness,
my ride straight from hell.
familiar faces encircle
the beautifully created structure;
their smiles blurring together
as i grow disillusioned
with the realities of my life.
others determine that i must
enjoy the ride
or i would remove myself from the
brightly painted pony
i sit astride.
do not think that i chose this lunacy.
i was not consulted before
the ride was set in motion,
for i would have declined
the deceptive enticement
of my childhood dreams.
i have grown weary of this
never-ending journey.
please stop this crazy carousel
and let me get off.
is there any that would like
to take my place?
maybe you will enjoy the ride
more than i,
or maybe the carousel will stop...
for you.

dina marie
march 2006

I Like Living

What is Normal?

I have caught myself saying, "I just want to be normal." But what defines normal? I found one definition: The usual, regular, or typical state, degree, or form. So, I have concluded that I am "normal" within the realm of Bipolar Disorder. I am okay... just as I am.

Shoshone Falls

We attended a wedding in Salt Lake City this past weekend and on the way home Brent suggested we take a small detour to see the Shoshone Falls in Twin Falls. Because I have been sick so much since we moved here to Idaho, I haven't been able to do as much as I would have liked. It felt good to get out and enjoy such a beautiful place. I am so thankful for my good days. I have learned to better appreciate the reprieves that come more often now. Thanks for suggesting it Brent.

Sometimes You Gotta Laugh

My Word

Sometimes this is all I can do;
it is enough.

Journal Entry

"today is the day that i choose life.
my trust is in God.
i will not simplify the sanctity of life.
i will not speak of taking my life.
i will always try to remember
that God wants me to live.
He is in charge.
i will survive this illness
only with faith and trust in His plan.
i turn myself over to Him."

dina marie
april 2005

Being Human

Being human,
I am entitled to the following rights:
I have the right to make
many (sometimes huge) mistakes.
I have the right to learn from my mistakes
and then move on with my life.
I have the right to forgive myself.
I have the right to laugh until it hurts,
and cry until it stops hurting.
I have the right to happiness.
I have the right to my own beliefs.
I have the right to true friends, and true love.
I have the right to be loved by others.
I have the right to be loved by me.

Michelle Bouchard

The Power of Words

words are flying at me faster than
i can successfully dodge,
hitting me with the force of paintball pellets.
quickly i am shamed and covered in red.
i am finding that words have more power
than given credit for,
and i am drowning in their meaning.
would it benefit me
to return them to the sender,
or would the attempt to protect myself
be a price too high to pay?
the words imply that i am weak
and lacking in willpower,
just as i always suspected.
"you should, but you won't."
"you could, but you don't."
please, listen to me.
i would... but i can't.
i will admit that the blame
for my actions stop here.
i could try to pass it on, but i won't.
i should fight to let go, but i don't.
i would...but i can't.
the words no longer fly,
for they have landed at my feet.
i wish that the responsibility
would move on beyond me
but when have my wishes ever
been taken into consideration?
Like they say, the buck stops here...
with me, and your words.

dina marie
may 2006
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Danger Sign

the water is high and swift
in the roaring creek this time of year.
in the past this has been a place of retreat;
an escape from the realities of life,
but on this day i find it impossible
to obtain any of the previous comfort
i may have once felt.
i watch as the rushing water surges into the dam,
and i stare into the deep, dark water.
only a low chain-link fence
separates me from a sure death.
i look at the small danger sign
attached to the inadequate barrier,
thinking it seems a pathetic attempt
to give warning of the waters threat.
thoughts of ending this unbearable pain
frequent my mind more often than i wish,
and i yearn for a moment of peace.
the roar of the water speaks loudly,
but on this day, it's voice is not enough
to prompt the call of death.
i do not know what the tomorrows may bring.
one day the voice will call again
and the shout may be too loud to ignore.
on that day, the inadequate barrier
will not impede me,
and the small danger sign will go unnoticed.

dina marie
2006

Born to be Crazy

was i born to be crazy,
or was i crazy to have been born?
unanswerable questions drive me
to the brink of madness,
and still i cannot surrender
to the unknowing
until my mind can make sense
of the senselessness.
i am sorry to propel my madness
into your sane realm of logic,
but what would you have me do
other than join you
in your innate state of common sense.
do not ask me to let go
of my distorted thinking
and the emotions that inevitably follow,
for there is nothing
simplistic about my life.
my behavior may not suit your tastes,
and i cannot say that
it suits mine either.
however, i must identify what is broken
before i can clearly see what needs to be fixed.
if i am to be mended,
it will be done with my blessing,
with my cooperation and understanding,
and with my invariable, inherent persistence.
i am glad that your convictions work for you.
if they did not, you would no longer enjoy sanity.
but maybe i prefer the insane.
after all, it is familiar
and it is all that i have ever known.
so i was born to be crazy,
and i was crazy to have been born.
next question...

dina marie
may 2006

Blind, Deaf, and Dumb

i am blind.
sinister clouds obscure my vision
and i cannot see even a glimmer of light
past the thick darkness
that wedges up my path.

i am deaf.
trembling palms conceal my ears
and i realize that they are my own.
i cannot hear any words of comfort,
any expressions of love;
the thundering in my head roars too loudly.

i am dumb.
my mouth is bound with tape
that is invisible to the naked eye.
i cannot say the unspeakable,
for voicing my fears
would only give them life.

i am immobilized and restrained
by the tormentors within.
the infirmities of my mind
will never surrender to my desires-
my handicap is for life.
it is winter year round here
and the coldness that covers my world
leaves me gasping for breath.
does acceptance come only on
others terms, on others conditions?
does unconditional love exist
beyond the written word?
i have found that the conditions implied
are too immense for me.
i have waged my war in vain.
i now surrender to my nothingness.

i am blind, deaf, and dumb.

dina marie
april 2006

I Want to Die...

"I want to die," I say.
Our society does not approve
of speaking such wickedness
for the subject is taboo to all
except to those who need
to speak of it.
So I will not speak my truth, my reality,
however, the silence does not remove the burden
and now I must carry it alone.
The inability to vocalize my wishes
does not make it any less real for myself
but it does make others more comfortable
in their safe, naive worlds.
I cannot find relief and the thoughts
of death continue,
only now they are only unspoken whispers.
Despite the seemingly wicked intent
of these thoughts
the desire to end the pain consumes me.
Tell me what logical mind created the absurd idea
that suppression is better than expression?
Show him to me and I will declare him inept
as he declares me a pitiful sinner.
The conspiracy of silence must be stopped.
This time I will not be restrained
and my wishes will be revealed to all.
Do with it as you wish.
"I want to die!" I scream.

May 2006

Meditation: June 5, 2006

To Dina

Once your wings danced with the sky
like the cursive poetry as a butterfly.
You sang in your silence
about destiny,
now you landed to see it through.
Divinely appointed to this great moment
shall you carry your will or let the wind carry you?

The very direction you move,
now mandates hope in your journey.
There will be joy in the way you tread.
But ease begets ease; remember this.
Your soul will challenge you for the better.

It is your broken heart
which must be emptied
before the miracle of Truth fills you.
So resist not the tokens of this chosen realm
whether they come polished...
or they come tarnished.

jamie darger

Stick

To Dina

God gave me a stick.

I knew it was all I needed
both then and now;
I carry it.
Has it been of any use?
Not particularly, but
it has been what it has been;
it is what it is-
so i carry the stick, still.

Not knowing the purpose
or the lack of.
I might need to carry the stick,
or the stick might need to be carried;
it matters not either way.

But,
I always consider The Source.
It is why, I still,
carry the stick.

jamie darger
march 2006

Words

egg on my face again.
some walk on eggshells,
others wear it in their face.
i am weary of the continual shame.
in my room i am safe;
my "cave" saves me from the humiliation
that follows me persistently.
the adjectives that i claim as my own
do nothing for my self respect;
they are just words
but they cut like a razor sharp blade,
removing any prospect of peace.
worthless, dumb, stupid...
words that have formed my identity.
a lifetime of articulate language
moving through my head without control.
strength of mind has, so far,
proven ineffective;
self talk has been futile.
the inner voices have been in command
playing havoc in my mind.
the volume inside
takes on a world of it's own.
voices, be still.
let me rest in peace...
with egg on my face.

dina marie
march 2006

From the Better Half

My brother Jamie wrote this for me during a very difficult time in my life.

An invitation to the angels
that mingle in the sky:
Come and perch upon my shoulder
and whisper, still greater
things divine.

Raise your chin toward the sunlight;
leave no way for darkness on your forehead.
Raise your chin with the divinity that calls from you.
Dip from the cup, overfilled - with empathy, with love.
Know that your communication with -Him- will ease the pain.
All the while you cannot architect the free will of others...
All the while you cannot discard your flesh- prematurely...

Raise your chin toward the sunlight;
leave no way for darkness on your forehead.
A child, simply ignorant to the glory of all things-
still, you are, to be greater.
All the while believe this.

As we bow- let our darkness leave us;
by our simple, unassuming, humble hearts that are guided
to One to carry our burdens;
the nature of mercy.
The exemplar: Perfect enough to guide the fleet
of the world, yet still, to know all uniquely.
One to press down the raging seas
to be satin, silk, glass.

Raise your chin to a hymn
whispered by the voices of those angels
coming from your own front door;
just over your shoulder.
Carried- purposefully- to you
from another dimension, from the better half.

jamie darger
may 2006

Broken Things to Mend

"I speak to those who are facing personal trials and family struggles, those who endure conflicts fought in the lonely foxholes of the heart, those trying to hold back flood waters of despair that sometimes wash over us like a tsunami of the soul. I wish to speak to you who feel your lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair. To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know. It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave. He said to everyone, whatever their personal problems might be: "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." "He is saying to us, trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going, we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you follow me, I will lead you out of darkness, I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give rest to you souls."

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

no warning

the "dreaded sorrow" has returned
and as usual, i am given no warning.
i receive no polite preparation
for the intensity of emotion
that quickly encompasses my being.
as always the tears are immediate,
and as they flow
my mind frantically searches
for the source of my sadness.
confusion replaces the contented expression
that was visible only moments before.
my brow wrinkles intensely
as i struggle to find an explanation
that will adequately explain the instant sorrow.
trembling hands familiar only to me
cover the evidence written on my face
and my shoulders shudder in shame.
was i born to not only be inflicted upon
but to impose pain on my loved ones as well?
why must they suffer needlessly
when it is my cross to bear?
i must carry this burden alone.
i will give them no warning
and the "dreaded sorrow" will disappear...
with me.

dina marie
april 2006

silent tears

i stand alone
crying silent tears,
surrounded on all sides
by the harsh judgment of others.
small stones find their mark
piercing my bruised, tender
and repentant heart.
there are those who are not
content with this suffering.
quietly they yell, "crucify!"
why do they attempt to repeat
history in vain?
there is one who already gave
His life for my bloodstain.
further retribution is not necessary
for i am slowly dying
in the midst of the screams
calling for justice.
loosen your fierce grip
on the accusing stones and leave.
take your judgment and retreat
to your self-made prisons
chained by your own sins.
i feel no escape
for i am tightly bound
behind prison walls
that i deliberately built
stone by stone.
i will cry these silent tears alone,
adorned in my scarlet letter.
crimson no longer holds promise,
for this color has cut deep
and is blood red.

dina marie
march 2006

no answers

spare me your questions,
for i have no answers
that will satisfy you.
pretend that you are unaware
of the tears that dirty my face,
as i attempt to rebel
against the madness of my world.
nothing can ever prepare me
for the sorrow that
swallows me whole,
leaving no time for consideration.
the fierceness never ceases
to shock and intimidate even i.
waves of emotion weary me
as i struggle to lay them to rest
in the deepest corners of my soul.
was i born to suffer without reason
or is there some divine purpose
that for now is hidden from my view?
it is lonely, this world of mine.
a tyrant rules with a vengeance,
my despot of insanity.
spare me your questions,
for i have no answers
that will satisfy me.

dina marie
march 2006

crazy

questions race through my mind
faster than i am able to follow.
the "whys" have become an obsession,
a fixation that cannot be satisfied.
i am totally immersed in the
inexplicable madness that consumes
every level of my consciousness.
i have an invariable question
that has plagued me for as long
as my mind can recall;
"can crazy people go to heaven?"
if not, am i consigned to my hell
in not only this world,
but the hereafter as well?
my current state of mind
tells me it is so.
yet, what of those living in their
seemingly reasonable worlds,
unaware of their own insanity?
show me the line that divides
the sane from the mad.
prove that i differ from the rest.
anything less will not be sufficient
for my brain of no reason,
my mind of confusion.
the heavens will be empty and silent
if only the sane are allowed to enter.
my current state of mind
tells me it is so.

dina marie
march 2006

bipolar quote

"It is a daily war against giving in to the darkness. The impulses and constant voices in your head saying how unworthy to be here, how unworthy of life to push in to you. But each day we win, we survive, and those who have not these forces pushing them have no concept of how strong you are, we are, for winning a war daily against things that would immobilize any of them. I have been told how weak I am, and I know, in my heart anyway, that they would never get out of bed, if for a moment they were shown what really goes on inside. Each day we survive is another victory we can draw on. Don't give up on yourself. You have had many years of victories. We can't lose sight of what it means to live each day out, when your own body conspires against you. We are not weak. We are strong. By surviving daily, we show how strong we are."

"Living Well With Depression and Bipolar Disorder"

colorless world

time cannot pinpoint
the day my colors changed.
perhaps the gradual dimming
of their intensity and vividness
barred me from any certain recognition.
the colors are now distorted and tainted
from exposure to my world.
yellow no longer burns bright
as the sun boldly hides his face.
the well-versed nursery rhyme
holds no promise of wishes,
and the stars no longer twinkle.
the unspoken desires of a broken heart
have been ignored and discarded.
blue is now the dictator of my despairing moods,
it's color a bland hue void of any beauty
it may have once flaunted.
the once azure sky, is persistently veiled
in ominous black clouds
ready to break at the slightest provocation.
red can no longer take claim as the favorite
for it now speaks of raging anger,
of imminent death,
of a never ending flow of blood
in this battle i fight alone.
my dirtied white flag thrashes
in the wind unrecognized
as the war rages on.
purple is no longer royal
and orange is just another shade of red.
i oscillate between the extremes;
my black is too black,
and my white is pallid and colorless.
someone please color my world
so i can continue my search
for the fairy tale pot of gold
somewhere over the rainbow,
near the land of insanity.

dina marie
april 2006

hopeless

too dark, no light
all wrong, no right.
too stupid, too dumb
no tears, i'm numb.
deadened.

in my room left alone,
isn't anyone at home?
in my "cave" no one's near,
please don't forget i'm here.
invisible.

i hate my illness,
my illness is me.
i hate myself
and i shouldn't "be".
disgust.

can't breathe, can't live,
i have nothing left to give.
too weary, no fight
let me die. i might.
desperate.

dina marie
march 2006

enough

i am alive today.
that is enough.
what others may perceive
is irrelevant,
for i am breathing.
the madness that lives within
has not won;
it is silent for now.
tomorrow it may awaken
but for now i inhale "being".
this moment is mine
and mine alone.
i have learned that
it is not my place
to ask for understanding
from others.
my purpose, my truth
must come from the voice within
directed from my Higher Power.
that voice has been silent,
until now.
the truth pierces my heart.
i am not only acceptable,
i am perfect.
i am alive today.

dina marie
march 2006

empty

i cannot claim to be half empty or half full;
my cup is dry.
a dear friend Hope had kept my cup full
until with a reckless abandonment
i discarded her by the wayside.
i accused her of contempt
for she had severed the verbal agreement
we made back when this treacherous journey began.
she had not shared my burden as promised
and i was now dying beneath the unbearable weight.
although i miss my friend,
i refuse to be reunited
due to an unwillingness to trust again.
i may suffer because of my stubborn, vengeful attitude,
but better to hurt of my own accord
than open my heart and become once again
vulnerable and fragile to external sources.
i detest being susceptible to others
so for a time i traveled alone,
giving nothing and expecting the same in return.
however, recently i united with a new companion
who answers to the name Pessimist.
his cup is half empty.
i find him agreeable to my disposition
and i speculate that he will sustain me
through the demanding travels ahead.
i cannot claim to be half empty or half full;
my cup is still dry,
and i am now Hopeless.

dina marie
may 2006