Bree's Post- "Dear Broken Me"

 Dear broken me-

You've decided to slowly creep back into my life. The last year has been a breath of fresh air. I felt strong. I felt free, and I felt happy. I knew you were coming back by the things you started telling me. You aren't worth it. You can't do it. You're hideous. You aren't worth you're husbands love therefore he doesn't love you. You can't trust anyone. You're a bad mom. You're fat and the only way you can lose the weight is if you return to old habits. I did that. And all that brought me was more hatred and more weight gain. You lie. You told me these things and I tried to hang on to that still small voice in my heart that told me how precious I was. But your demons became too loud. They were all I could hear and eventually I believed them. Your hideous. Fat. You aren't worth being loved. They got louder and louder and I believed everyone else could hear them too. They believe them. That's what you tell me anyway.  You tell me the first thing anyone thinks when they seem me is how bad I look. How much weight I've gained. You have turned me into a cruel person. The real me would never treat anyone the way you treat me.  You turned me into a selfish person. The real me wouldn't think about herself so much. How much she hates herself. When you're around, I feel Satan's plan working in my life. Tricking me into thinking I have no self worth. You're hideous. You're a bad mom. Nobody loves you. You can't do it. I pray for the day you leave. I plead with Heavenly Father to take those voices away. Then I hear you...He's not listening. You don't deserve happiness. And for a moment...all the lies you've told me become just that, a lie. Because I know He is listening, and I know He wants me to be happy. I deserve that. It will come someday soon. I will be strong. Beautiful. I will be worthy of love, and I will tell myself I can do hard things, and believe it. Until then...I can hang on. Hang on to the words of my husband and family and the sweet kisses of my baby. I must be worth something to have been blessed with such a perfect little boy. 

Please leave so I can see clearly again.

-The real me

 

Bree Clark- 5/20/2011

 

I borrowed this post from my daughter's blog.  I think she articulated very well the feelings that come with depression.  The lies that our thoughts tell us when we are in the middle of depression are hard to fight.  She is an amazing daughter, mother, friend and wife.  I am so proud of her for the woman she has grown into.  Having this illness changes you forever and because of her experiences she has deep compassion and empathy for others who have their own battles.  I appreciate her willingness to open up and share her heart.  Thanks for your example Bree.  I love you.

Bree's Poem

Each one of us have our own personal story through every experience we go through; each individual lives the event in different ways.  We carry our trauma, trials and joy differently.  Judging someone else's story cannot be done because we have not lived it in their way.  I was going through some papers and I found this poem that Bree wrote years ago in regards to her own experience and the trauma she lived during a horrible night, a night that our family faced the crisis of addiction.  I cried as I read it, remembering the night from my own perspective.  I think there are some events that we will never fully be free from the memory of the trauma.  Along with my hospital stays, this night will always be with me and I am sure with Bree.

In the blink of an eye it was all gone.
My safe haven. My refuge from the the world.
You took that away and it can never be replaced.
I forgive you for what you did that night,
but the memories won't fade.

I lay awake at night unable to sleep,
fearing that any minute I will hear the sounds of your screams.
The sound that reminds me of your unhappiness,
of the life you once had but threw away.
The sound of a family being torn apart.
The sound that took away my "home."

My safe haven. My refuge from the world.
You took that away and it can never be replaced.
I forgive you for what you did that night,
but the memories won't fade.

Bree Gardner
2007