You've decided to slowly creep back into my life. The last year has been a breath of fresh air. I felt strong. I felt free, and I felt happy. I knew you were coming back by the things you started telling me. You aren't worth it. You can't do it. You're hideous. You aren't worth you're husbands love therefore he doesn't love you. You can't trust anyone. You're a bad mom. You're fat and the only way you can lose the weight is if you return to old habits. I did that. And all that brought me was more hatred and more weight gain. You lie. You told me these things and I tried to hang on to that still small voice in my heart that told me how precious I was. But your demons became too loud. They were all I could hear and eventually I believed them. Your hideous. Fat. You aren't worth being loved. They got louder and louder and I believed everyone else could hear them too. They believe them. That's what you tell me anyway. You tell me the first thing anyone thinks when they seem me is how bad I look. How much weight I've gained. You have turned me into a cruel person. The real me would never treat anyone the way you treat me. You turned me into a selfish person. The real me wouldn't think about herself so much. How much she hates herself. When you're around, I feel Satan's plan working in my life. Tricking me into thinking I have no self worth. You're hideous. You're a bad mom. Nobody loves you. You can't do it. I pray for the day you leave. I plead with Heavenly Father to take those voices away. Then I hear you...He's not listening. You don't deserve happiness. And for a moment...all the lies you've told me become just that, a lie. Because I know He is listening, and I know He wants me to be happy. I deserve that. It will come someday soon. I will be strong. Beautiful. I will be worthy of love, and I will tell myself I can do hard things, and believe it. Until then...I can hang on. Hang on to the words of my husband and family and the sweet kisses of my baby. I must be worth something to have been blessed with such a perfect little boy.
Please leave so I can see clearly again.
-The real me
Bree Clark- 5/20/2011
I borrowed this post from my daughter's blog. I think she articulated very well the feelings that come with depression. The lies that our thoughts tell us when we are in the middle of depression are hard to fight. She is an amazing daughter, mother, friend and wife. I am so proud of her for the woman she has grown into. Having this illness changes you forever and because of her experiences she has deep compassion and empathy for others who have their own battles. I appreciate her willingness to open up and share her heart. Thanks for your example Bree. I love you.
Beautiful. Dina you have raised children who express their emotions and feel their pain. It's so healthy to reveal the darkest thoughts and feelings, for when we do this peace can slowly creep in.
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Hugs & Love
Lee xox
Lee, thank you for the comment. Parenting is a difficult thing and there are times when I feel like I haven't been the best mom I could have been. I appreciate the positive feedback. I have been so proud of my kids. As I have watched them struggle through their own individual trials and challenges, I have seen them a reach a level of compassion and empathy that I believe they wouldn't have reached without facing their own battles. Adversity changes who we are. I don't believe someone can go through difficult experiences without it changing who they are as a person. We don't choose mental illness, but the choice we have is what we will become because of it. I want to be a better person and I want to "pass on the compassion." Sometimes I am able to reach that goal and sometimes I lose sight of it for a time, however, I won't give up.
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