Pass on the Compassion

 Brent and I had the opportunity to meet with a young couple last week who are just learning how to live in a bipolar marriage successfully.  With statistics that say approximately 90% of couples with a bipolar spouse divorce, discouragement and hopelessness are inevitable.  It is not an easy feat, but it can be done.  I am proud and thankful that Brent and I have learned over the years how to not only survive in our marriage but live happily in our 27 years together.  I wish that we had had a couple to talk to about bipolar disorder when I was first diagnosed in 2001.  It would have made our path of learning a much quicker one.  We had the chance to visit with couples who dealt with depression in their marriages, but bipolar is different and is a much more difficult road.  It would have been extremely helpful for us.  I am so happy when we are able to pass on what we have learned.  The great thing about visiting as couples is that Brent and I are able to explain our own experience and our individual perspective, which in turn validates both the person who struggles with the mental illness and the spouse who has to learn to how to support them.  Both are very difficult challenges and they are also very different experiences. I think one of the things that we are able to do is give hope in what is a seemingly hopeless situation.  Brent and I have been through the fire and survived.  There is not much that we haven't had to learn how to live through and be able to come out on the other side in one piece.  Because of that we can absolutely testify that a bipolar marriage can survive the awful depths that the illness can bring you to.  This young couple is much further along at their stage in the diagnosis and in their marriage because of the medications that have stabilized him and the knowledge that they have obtained so far.  Counseling is critical and we were not very proactive in this aspect.  I know that that would have been helpful for not just me, but as a couple, and as a family.  Brent and I were each on our own path just trying to survive for many years, but until we merged our paths into one we were not able to learn how to work together in the way that was necessary for my stabilization.  Once we made the changes necessary the effect that it had on my wellness was amazing. Stress is one of the biggest triggers in a bipolar person and if you cannot either eliminate or minimize their particular stress triggers, maintaining wellness is almost impossible. Having the support and understanding of those surrounding you is absolutely critical.  I cannot emphasize that enough.  Validation and understanding were my biggest needs when I was so unwell and when I received that I was more capable of dealing with the illness and the hardship it created in my life every minute of every day.  For those who deal with the illness and those who love someone with the illness, please talk with someone who understands, research the disorder, and communicate your needs to those in your life.  What a blessing it has been in my life to be surrounded by so many who care.  Honestly, I could not have survived without that.  Please know that you can hit the lowest of lows and still not only survive but be happy again.  I can honestly testify to that because I lived through the hell of the illness and I am alive and well today.  I have many limitations and I have to make sacrifices in order to maintain my wellness but I know that it has to be done and I have come to terms with that.  Judgment is inevitable and I have had to learn how to let go of caring what people think.  I am not always successful at that because I want so badly to be understood.  I have to often remind myself that it is almost impossible to understand if you haven't lived it and therefore I sometimes have unreasonable expectations of people.  I am still learning.  Every opportunity Brent and I get to talk with other couples we will do so.  Passing on our knowledge and understanding somehow makes what we have lived through have meaning and purpose.  Hope is everything.  So whatever you have experienced in your life, if you have the opportunity to pass on your knowledge and compassion please do it.  It will bless your life as well as those on the receiving end.  Much love and gratitude to those who passed on the compassion to me in my years of need.