"Gaps"

My brother Jamie has been blessed with the gift of poetry and tonight he sent the third poem he has written for me.  He said, "...it poured out in about 80 seconds so I figured someone wanted you to have it."   There are still times when the emotions of this illness outweigh any supposed will power I think I have and today was one of those days.  A day that I spent crying.  A day I spent wishing that I didn't have this horrible, relentless illness. A day that I was completely overwhelmed with the simplest of tasks.  Tonight I needed to know that someone cared.  I needed to be reminded that there is always hope.  I needed to know that God is aware of me and my struggles.  This poem did that for me.  Jamie, thank you for taking the time to pause, to listen, and to act, on words that were sent to you, and through you, for me.  


"Gaps"

Flashes of eternity
Like seeing a vision through my shut eyelids.
Enough time to bound, by those old flaxen cords
A scrap of hope;
Crumbles lying in the cracks of my palms.

I’ll piece them together
When my grip comes to the last of my rope.

I am wagering with my last breath
That when the clouds part in the morning
There will be God --Willing to fill in the gaps -- with mercy
The spaces left undone
Between my head and my heart,
Giving me reason to see the rest of the sunrise.

Jamie Darger

Helen Returns

I received this e-mail from Lynn after sending her another plea for help in understanding my illness. Her response is in correlation to the previous Helen Keller Dina post:

Helen Keller Dina (click for link)

So, my little friend Helen has not only come to visit my beloved Dina, but it appears she has come to stay for a bit—always uninvited and always most unwelcome.

You, she, and I all know that there is little that can be said or done until she decides to leave, and who knows when that will be?

But here is the truth—whether you will, or are capable of believing it—it doesn’t change the fact that it is the undeniable truth to hundreds upon hundreds who know you. And none more than me.

It is this:

You. YOU, Dina Marie Darger Gardner, are needed, wanted, cherished, respected and beloved. Regardless of weaknesses, shortcomings, brain chemistry, bad days, ugly thoughts, and the deepest of self doubt.

It is that simple to all of us. Not so simple to you, I know, I know. Stupid, complicated brain that won’t allow you to see what is real.

Please. I beg you. Trust me until she is gone.

And she will be gone.

I promise.

It is real.

I promise.

Love,

Me

I will hang on to this e-mail just like I have her first one which, by the way, I have read a gazillion times.  I hope everyone has a friend like my Lynn.

There can be life after diagnosis

Blurring the Lines - JD's Story Article - Every one of us can find how to live a successful and happy life within the limitations our illness gives us.  I am impressed with this artists story.  Click on title.

Electroboy The Andy Behrman Story 04/14 by Jon Hansen | Blog Talk Radio

I have appreciated Andy Behrman speaking out about his experiences.  He is doing a lot of good in bringing a better understanding of Bipolar Disorder to the public.  It is a long interview but well worth the time.  Again, it is so interesting to me how similar bipolar experiences and challenges are in most people of have the disorder.
Electroboy The Andy Behrman Story 04/14 by Jon Hansen | Blog Talk Radio

Amanda Beard book- In the Water They Can't See You Cry

I just watched her interview on Dr. Phil and I am so impressed with her courage to come forward and speak about some very personal issues. She will help many people who feel they are alone in their struggles. She is choosing to pass on the compassion and she will be blessed for it. 

Source: google.com via Dina on Pinterest

Dustin's Story- A True Miracle

There are those times when as a parent you could not be more proud of your son or daughter.  This is one of those times.  Dustin has been through hell and back and is now willing to put himself out there so that he can possibly help others understand that there is hope.  As hopeless as a situation can be, please remember to never give up on either yourself or someone that you love.  It is one of my profound life lessons.  If a year and a half ago someone had asked me if there was any chance for Dustin to recover enough to live a normal, healthy life and be able to function well as a contributing member of society, my answer would have been no.  As much as I would try to even imagine it possibly happening, I just couldn't do it.  There had been too many years of destruction, too many years of lies and manipulation, too many years of watching his addictions take away the Dustin that we had raised and loved.  For years I carried a tremendous amount of guilt believing that as a mother I had failed my son.  It took me a long time, too long, to understand and truly internalize that it was not my fault.  Letting go of that emotional baggage was such a relief.  It was truly a life changing experience and a profound lesson for me as a mother.  We cannot control those we love, even as good and sincere as our intentions are, we cannot make them choose happiness.  I didn't understand that and so I ran myself crazy trying to fix all the consequenses of Dustin's behavior, thinking that if I loved him enough I could turn things around.  There is a fine line between loving someone, and enabling their destructive behavior, and it can be extremely hard distinguishing between the two.  Brent saw it clearly long before I did.  As soon as I was able to emotionally let go and turn the responsibility of his life and his agency back to Dustin, my ability to handle the stress that his addiction brought improved drastically.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done but one of the best decisions I could have made.  Once we stopped trying to solve all the problems his choices were bringing and he had to face the full consequences of his actions, he had to literally choose life or death.  He has told us that was the best thing we could have done for him and was the turning point of him choosing to get help.  His battle is far from over but to see him reach the point that he is at now is absolute heaven.  He was in his recovery program for 16 months and came out a truly changed man.  He is back living his dream playing college baseball and this spring we get to watch him do one of the things he used to live for, and that has always been his one true love.  I am thankful for the lessons that I have learned.  I am thankful to know that I can love my children with every piece of my heart but my love can't and shouldn't control their choices.  We are all blessed with the gift of agency.  I misused my gift in the most sincere way a mother can by trying to control Dustin's God given gift.  As good and as heartfelt as my actions were, they were wrong.  I am thankful for a loving God who loves us enough to let us choose our way.  He is always there ready to give us the help that we need when we are ready to turn our lives over to Him.  Dustin could not have done this without understanding that he couldn't do it alone.  The transformation in him over this past year and a half is nothing short of a miracle.  I am thankful every day to have my son back. 

Never give up. 

Never lose hope. 

Never stop praying for those you love. 

Terry Bradshaw

If Terry Bradshaw can do it…

By Christine Stapleton
Uber philanthropist Audrey Gruss’ mother suffered from depression and she remembers what it was like growing up with a mentally ill mother. Gruss now lives part-time in a breathtaking oceanfront mansion in Palm Beach. Gruss has raised tens of milloins of dollars for other charities. Two years ago she decided to start her own. She created Hope for Depression with $25 million of her own money. The goal of the groups is to fund international international cutting edge research that seeks to integrate neuroscience with psychology.
When you see Audrey Gruss, a striking blonde always impeccably dressed and coiffed, you do not think football. Polo, yes. Football, no. Yet Gruss picked four-time Super Bowl champion Terry Bradshaw to speak at her second-annual fundraiser luncheon for Hope for Depression. Bradshaw was a very, very good choice. If you did not know that Bradshaw has depression, he will be more than happy to tell you about it. He is not bashful, even in a ballroom full of weathly impeccably dress and coiffed Palm Beach women. You gotta love a manly man who is willing to stand up in front of a bunch of women and confess that he gets choked up when he sees an elderly couple holding hands.
There he was, up on the dais, telling us how he hated every minute of every Super Bowl he won (FOUR!) and a dark cloud descended on him in the weeks after. The depression would paralyze him. He knew something was wrong. His three marriages failed. He dawged around for years, doing things he is not proud of. He hit bottom when he realized he would not be raising his two young daughters. He went to his preacher – “and cried my eyes out.” He went to a therapist and “cried my eyes out.” Then he went to a psychiatrist where he got an answer: “The diagnosis was a relieft. It explained why I had done so many things.”
So the quarterback who needed a cortisone shot in his elbow to relieve the pain before every game figured there must be a shot or a pill to fix his depression. No. He started antidepressants AND therapy and continues with both – eight years later. The depression still comes but now he knows what it is and what to do.
I waited around the ballroom after lunch, watching Bradshaw sign autographs and pose for pictures. When I interviewed him he was funny, charming and, at age 60, still buff. He’s the kind of guy who looks you right in the eye when you ask a question and pulls in close when he answers. He looks so happy, healthy and so comfortable in his own skin. This is why people doubt us. When we do the footwork – therapy, medications, diet, exercise, sleep, reaching out for help at the first sign of trouble – and we get well, we get REALLY well.
Anyone who has ever been in a clinical depression knows that when it finally lifts, your life is not the same. It’s like the commercial for the allergy drug Claritin. You take the medicine and a dull film is peeled away and you can breathe. Everything is bright and colorful. You have unimaginable gratitude. Every morning you wake up like Scrooge on Christmas. You take nothing for granted.
People who do not believe in mental illness see us like this and doubt us. “Hey, who wouldn’t be happy if they had just taken two months off work – with pay – slept all day and lost 20 pounds?” If we had come back to the office with a cane or a stubble of new hair on our head no one would doubt us.
I finally realized I cannot control how people think. I can only control how I think. I know what I went through was real. I look and listen to Terry Bradshaw and I think – “See, he understands how it feels. He believes it is real. If depression can take down a manly man like Terry Bradshaw, it can take down anyone. If a manly man like Terry Bradshaw can ask for help, so can I.”
Thanks Terry.

New Year, New Outlook

"If winter has you down in the dumps, take a look at the cover story in our new Winter issue. It might cheer you up to know that good qualities seem to go along with having bipolar disorder.

Research done by Nassir Ghaemi, MD, a psychiatrist at Tufts Medical Center in Boston (and a member of our advisory board), and others has found that people who have bipolar disorder also tend to have “certain specific psychological characteristics … that are generally viewed as valuable and beneficial morally or socially.” Namely: spirituality, empathy, creativity, realism, and resilience.

It may be that the genetic and neurological arrangements that give rise to bipolar are also responsible for those beneficial traits. It may be that living with a chronic illness such as bipolar strengthens certain qualities like empathy and resilience.

Whatever the case, having some pluses to set against the difficulties and demands that bipolar brings us provides a helpful new perspective. As Sara L. puts it in “Accentuate the Positives”: “It’s a belief about having bipolar disorder that really can make or break our ability to live well.” So think positive!"

It is nice to know that there is some good that comes along with such a difficult illness.  :)

I survived the holidays again this year.  We didn't get Bree and her family with us so I had a bit of a hard time getting into the spirit of Christmas.  I get to look forward to having them here next year.  I have been happy to see that I have been able to handle some major stressful events in my life this past year without breaking down.  We have made so much progress in understanding how to head off the signs of me heading downhill.  Brent has been a rock.  I depend on his support to keep me balanced and it has made all the difference.  I am so thankful to be in a good place.  I have not been this well since my diagnosis, and actually a couple of years before that when I didn't understand what was happening to me.  I don't think I am naive to the fact that things could change in the future, but I do know that we will be better equipped to deal with the situation.  I have gratitude in my heart for my wellness.  These are a few pictures from the month of December.

Christmas Eve jammies from Grandma Dede.  :)

 Brent and I Christmas Day

Dustin, Bailey and I

The highlight of the month for Bailey-

meeting David Archuleta and going to his concert!

The night of the concert.

I actually really enjoyed it.

Brent won first place at two different parties

with two different sweaters. :)

The annual Mall Game that we host every year

Just for fun. :)