Bipolar Disorder Article

Bipolar Disorder: What to Say, What Not to Say 

What you say to your loved one with bipolar disorder can make a difference — either in a positive way or in a harmful one.

By Andrea Bledsoe, PhD

Medically reviewed by Pat F. Bass III, MD, MPH

If your loved one has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, you may be in shock and may not know what to say. It’s important to choose your words carefully, because what you communicate can either support your loved one and encourage her to seek treatment or make her feel even worse about herself and her diagnosis, discouraging her from getting the help she needs.

Bipolar Disorder: The Nine Worst Things to Say

You may have been surprised by your loved one’s diagnosis and her behavior may be very frustrating, but no matter what she does (or doesn’t do) and how upset you get, do your best to avoid saying the following:

1. You’re crazy.
2. This is your fault.
3. You’re not trying.
4. Everyone has bad times.
5. You’ll be okay — there’s no need to worry.
6. You’ll never be in a serious romantic relationship.
7. What's the matter with you?
8. I can’t help you.
9. You don’t have to take your moods out on me — I’m getting so tired of this.

The truth is that bipolar disorder is a genetic medical illness — and it is treatable. Your loved one may cycle between being depressed with very little energy to being hyperactive or “manic.” This is all part of the illness and she can’t help it. It’s important that you be supportive, without nagging her. It will also help you if you know what to expect and how to spot when your loved one is not doing well or has stopped taking his medication.

Bipolar Disorder: The Eight Best Things to Say

What should you say to be supportive and help your loved one to do her best to manage the condition without being too pushy? Some of the best words of encouragement include:

1. This is a medical illness and it is not your fault.
2. I am here. We'll make it through this together.
3. You and your life are important to me.
4. You’re not alone.
5. Tell me how I can help.
6. I might not know how you feel, but I’m here to support you.
7. Whenever you feel like giving up, tell yourself to hold on for another minute, hour, day — whatever you feel you can do.
8. Your illness doesn't define who you are. You are still you, with hopes and dreams you can attain.

I have said for a long time that there is no neutral position for those who are involved in a bipolar person's life.  You can either make things better for them or make them worse.  Brent hated that he seemed to be my trigger for so many years, but once he understood how to help and support me in living with this illness it made all the difference.  Now he is not my trigger but my rock.  Truly, I couldn't do this without him.  It took us a long time to learn how to work together in making this illness possible for me to live with and the family to live with. The reality is that everyone in my life is affected by what this does to me, so learning the right tools has made life better for all of us.  Brent totally gets it now.  The love that I have for him is beyond words.  I hope everyone who lives with the nightmare of bipolar disorder has someone to support and love them like I do.  Thank you to my amazing husband.

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Jean-Claude Van Damme

I am so intrigued with celebrities who have Bipolar Disorder.  Jean-Claude Van Damme was a cocaine addict, was married four times from 1984-1994, was charged with spousal abuse, and became suicidal in 1997. Not long after that he was diagnosed rapid cycling bipolar disorder and was prescribed Lithium.  He says, "In one week, I felt it kick in. All the commotion around me, all the water around me, moving left and right around me, became like a lake."

I like his description of how the medication helped him; the commotion was gone. Lithium was the first medication I was put on in 2001.  For me it was not a good thing.  I am a bit envious of those who find the answer right away.  For me it was eight long years of trial and error.  I would say that for the majority the road to discovering what medication will bring them to a stable place can take years. It was a test of faith for myself and for my family as we battled the war day in and day out without much relief.  We suffered through the bad and tried to enjoy any small reprieve that came, knowing that the time would likely be short lived.  The emotions of bipolar are completely overwhelming.  I think a good comparison in how I experience it, is it's like a flash flood.  The emotions come fast and hard, without any warning.

I still don't know where to channel that negative energy.  Just yesterday I was expressing to Brent my frustration at still not understanding what to do with it even after all these years. I guess I should be learning patience through all of this but I certainly don't feel I have made much progress in that area.  Maybe I don't give myself much credit, but then again, maybe I don't deserve any credit.  We still experience the bipolar inconsistency everyday, but the good days completely outweigh the bad.  Thank goodness for a doctor who never gave up and a family who has had endless amounts of enduring love for me. I can say that I feel greatly blessed. I never thought I would be able to say that and actually believe it.