One Man's Story of Bipolar Disorder

A Courageous Man- Dave Mowry (click for link)

I appreciate people who are willing to come out publicly and speak about their mental illness.  There is a good video to watch along with the article.

Pass on the Compassion

 Brent and I had the opportunity to meet with a young couple last week who are just learning how to live in a bipolar marriage successfully.  With statistics that say approximately 90% of couples with a bipolar spouse divorce, discouragement and hopelessness are inevitable.  It is not an easy feat, but it can be done.  I am proud and thankful that Brent and I have learned over the years how to not only survive in our marriage but live happily in our 27 years together.  I wish that we had had a couple to talk to about bipolar disorder when I was first diagnosed in 2001.  It would have made our path of learning a much quicker one.  We had the chance to visit with couples who dealt with depression in their marriages, but bipolar is different and is a much more difficult road.  It would have been extremely helpful for us.  I am so happy when we are able to pass on what we have learned.  The great thing about visiting as couples is that Brent and I are able to explain our own experience and our individual perspective, which in turn validates both the person who struggles with the mental illness and the spouse who has to learn to how to support them.  Both are very difficult challenges and they are also very different experiences. I think one of the things that we are able to do is give hope in what is a seemingly hopeless situation.  Brent and I have been through the fire and survived.  There is not much that we haven't had to learn how to live through and be able to come out on the other side in one piece.  Because of that we can absolutely testify that a bipolar marriage can survive the awful depths that the illness can bring you to.  This young couple is much further along at their stage in the diagnosis and in their marriage because of the medications that have stabilized him and the knowledge that they have obtained so far.  Counseling is critical and we were not very proactive in this aspect.  I know that that would have been helpful for not just me, but as a couple, and as a family.  Brent and I were each on our own path just trying to survive for many years, but until we merged our paths into one we were not able to learn how to work together in the way that was necessary for my stabilization.  Once we made the changes necessary the effect that it had on my wellness was amazing. Stress is one of the biggest triggers in a bipolar person and if you cannot either eliminate or minimize their particular stress triggers, maintaining wellness is almost impossible. Having the support and understanding of those surrounding you is absolutely critical.  I cannot emphasize that enough.  Validation and understanding were my biggest needs when I was so unwell and when I received that I was more capable of dealing with the illness and the hardship it created in my life every minute of every day.  For those who deal with the illness and those who love someone with the illness, please talk with someone who understands, research the disorder, and communicate your needs to those in your life.  What a blessing it has been in my life to be surrounded by so many who care.  Honestly, I could not have survived without that.  Please know that you can hit the lowest of lows and still not only survive but be happy again.  I can honestly testify to that because I lived through the hell of the illness and I am alive and well today.  I have many limitations and I have to make sacrifices in order to maintain my wellness but I know that it has to be done and I have come to terms with that.  Judgment is inevitable and I have had to learn how to let go of caring what people think.  I am not always successful at that because I want so badly to be understood.  I have to often remind myself that it is almost impossible to understand if you haven't lived it and therefore I sometimes have unreasonable expectations of people.  I am still learning.  Every opportunity Brent and I get to talk with other couples we will do so.  Passing on our knowledge and understanding somehow makes what we have lived through have meaning and purpose.  Hope is everything.  So whatever you have experienced in your life, if you have the opportunity to pass on your knowledge and compassion please do it.  It will bless your life as well as those on the receiving end.  Much love and gratitude to those who passed on the compassion to me in my years of need. 

Bree's Post- "Dear Broken Me"

 Dear broken me-

You've decided to slowly creep back into my life. The last year has been a breath of fresh air. I felt strong. I felt free, and I felt happy. I knew you were coming back by the things you started telling me. You aren't worth it. You can't do it. You're hideous. You aren't worth you're husbands love therefore he doesn't love you. You can't trust anyone. You're a bad mom. You're fat and the only way you can lose the weight is if you return to old habits. I did that. And all that brought me was more hatred and more weight gain. You lie. You told me these things and I tried to hang on to that still small voice in my heart that told me how precious I was. But your demons became too loud. They were all I could hear and eventually I believed them. Your hideous. Fat. You aren't worth being loved. They got louder and louder and I believed everyone else could hear them too. They believe them. That's what you tell me anyway.  You tell me the first thing anyone thinks when they seem me is how bad I look. How much weight I've gained. You have turned me into a cruel person. The real me would never treat anyone the way you treat me.  You turned me into a selfish person. The real me wouldn't think about herself so much. How much she hates herself. When you're around, I feel Satan's plan working in my life. Tricking me into thinking I have no self worth. You're hideous. You're a bad mom. Nobody loves you. You can't do it. I pray for the day you leave. I plead with Heavenly Father to take those voices away. Then I hear you...He's not listening. You don't deserve happiness. And for a moment...all the lies you've told me become just that, a lie. Because I know He is listening, and I know He wants me to be happy. I deserve that. It will come someday soon. I will be strong. Beautiful. I will be worthy of love, and I will tell myself I can do hard things, and believe it. Until then...I can hang on. Hang on to the words of my husband and family and the sweet kisses of my baby. I must be worth something to have been blessed with such a perfect little boy. 

Please leave so I can see clearly again.

-The real me

 

Bree Clark- 5/20/2011

 

I borrowed this post from my daughter's blog.  I think she articulated very well the feelings that come with depression.  The lies that our thoughts tell us when we are in the middle of depression are hard to fight.  She is an amazing daughter, mother, friend and wife.  I am so proud of her for the woman she has grown into.  Having this illness changes you forever and because of her experiences she has deep compassion and empathy for others who have their own battles.  I appreciate her willingness to open up and share her heart.  Thanks for your example Bree.  I love you.

Bree's Poem

Each one of us have our own personal story through every experience we go through; each individual lives the event in different ways.  We carry our trauma, trials and joy differently.  Judging someone else's story cannot be done because we have not lived it in their way.  I was going through some papers and I found this poem that Bree wrote years ago in regards to her own experience and the trauma she lived during a horrible night, a night that our family faced the crisis of addiction.  I cried as I read it, remembering the night from my own perspective.  I think there are some events that we will never fully be free from the memory of the trauma.  Along with my hospital stays, this night will always be with me and I am sure with Bree.

In the blink of an eye it was all gone.
My safe haven. My refuge from the the world.
You took that away and it can never be replaced.
I forgive you for what you did that night,
but the memories won't fade.

I lay awake at night unable to sleep,
fearing that any minute I will hear the sounds of your screams.
The sound that reminds me of your unhappiness,
of the life you once had but threw away.
The sound of a family being torn apart.
The sound that took away my "home."

My safe haven. My refuge from the world.
You took that away and it can never be replaced.
I forgive you for what you did that night,
but the memories won't fade.

Bree Gardner
2007

Yashi Brown- Michael Jackson's Bipolar Niece

I ran across this article tonight while cruising the Internet because I can't sleep.  I appreciate so much people who are willing to come forward in speaking out about their mental illness, especially those who have the ability to reach so many because of who they are.  Yashi Brown is the daughter of Rebbie Jackson, oldest sister of Michael Jackson.  I am looking forward to reading this book of her poetry.  I shouldn't be surprised anymore at the sad emotions that come over me when reading anything in regards to Bipolar Disorder.  I still feel such a deep sadness knowing that this is for life.  Even at this good point in my life I have periods of grieving and once again have to come to terms with my illness.  I hope this is normal for those with chronic illnesses and not just a lack of faith on my part.  This is a short but good article.  Take a minute and give it a read.

EXCLUSIVE: Rebbie Jackson On the Pain of Raising Daughter With Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia

By Hollie McKay

Published February 16, 2011 | FoxNews.com

The Jackson family has certainly been served many ups and downs. Now the eldest of the Jackson children, 60-year-old Rebbie Jackson, is opening up about her daughter Yashi Brown’s battle with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia in an attempt to reduce to stigma surrounding mental illness.

“It was such a hard thing, it has all been an experience I will never ever forget and all I wanted was to find a solution or a way in which Yashi could just solve the problems," Jackson told FOX411’s Pop Tarts. "A lot of people are have these disorders and they don’t know it because there are very different degrees of bipolar. So many people have this but they can’t figure out what their problem is. So you have to get to the core of the problem, expose it and accept it does exist, and then you can go about learning how to deal with it.”
In attempt to reach out to other families dealing with mental illness, Brown, now 33, is releasing  the book “Black Daisy in a White Limousine: 77 Poems.”
“The poems date back to when I was in my teens to now. You can see some of the emotional changes and you get a sense of the true honest expression of all the things I’ve experienced with life, with family, love and all of that. You get a sense of what it is that we’re talking about,” Brown told Pop Tarts.
Brown’s mental illnesses went undiagnosed for several years, and it wasn’t until she was in her early twenties that the medical profession was able to pinpoint her problems. But due to the support of her family and the power of prayer, she now feels she is in a place to help other sufferers through their journey.
Brown also said coming from the famous Jackson family made it more difficult to cope with her mental health issues.
“It was harder for sure, you feel like you constantly have to hold it together so technically you’re living a double life. You’re living in this world that you totally don’t understand then you leave and go into the public where you really have to have it together,” she said. “Of course growing up in a high profile family especially will make you feel like you need to be some sort of an example or be super strong to the people around you and not be yourself. Instead of saying,  ‘I have these challenges and other people have these same challenges and let’s communicate and talk about it’ as opposed to trying to act like they don’t exist or that you have it all together, which is really exacerbating it in the long run.”
As a mother, Rebbie, a Jehovah's Witness, also continues to turn to religion to pull her through the hard times.
“It’s about staying focused and prayer. I am a bible student for sure. And being calm. It’s hard to not let people go and get you upset or keep you upset,” she said. “We live in crazy times and whatever takes you away from the rhetoric, the craziness, just be calm and try to deal with life one day at a time.”
Jackson is also playing her part to help others in need by returning to the stage to headline the upcoming Pick Up the Phone Suicide Prevention Tour
And even amid the Dr. Conrad Murray trial that currently taking place in Los Angeles, Jackson insisted that 20 months after her brother Michael’s death, the Jackson family is doing very well.
“They seem to be fine,” she added. “Everybody seems to be doing fine.”

Article link-

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2011/02/16/exclusive-rebbie-jackson-pain-raising-daughter-bipolar-disorder-schizophrenia/

bp magazine letter

bp magazine is a bipolar magazine I came across while volunteering at the Boise NAMI office.  I was on their online forum tonight and came across this post.  I thought it was worth sharing.
http://www.bphope.com/

"When I was in intensive outpatient therapy, in one of my groups I wrote a letter from my "better half" to my illness.  It was insightful, to say the least.  Recently I came across the letter, and my current therapist suggested that I write a response to my better half.  Here goes. . ."

Dear Vicious Sadness,

            You have made my life a living hell.  Day in and day out I feel your ugliness and it butts into my routine.  I have lost my freedom, some of my friends, and my job because of you.  In the past you were sometimes an inspiration for my artwork.  Recently I have lost that inspiration, so life with you is full of nothing but despair.  I would kill you if it didn’t mean killing myself.  I didn’t even realize I held this negativity until writing this letter forced me to face my demons.  I just wanted to say that I think I would be a better person without you.

Sincerely,

Your Better Half

Dear “Better Half”,

            The obvious thing to do would be to apologize for making your life miserable, but it would fall flat, and so this is not an apology letter, but rather a forum to get things off my chest.  When I decided to take a bottle of pills and just lie down to die, you were the one who saved me.  I thank you for that, because I never realized how much my death (and yours) would have destroyed my friends and family.  I also thank you for making me write in the diary that the paramedics found and passed on to the doctor.  It is because of you that I got the wake-up call and help that we both needed.  I find it sad that you think you would be better off without me.  I am a part of you, as much as you are a part of me.  I think that you appreciate life much more now that you have seen what happens when I rule over our brain.  Now that we take the right meds our brain is in balance, and although my creativity has been squashed, it is a small price to pay for (us) to be functional (dare I say happy?)  Now that mood swings, self-medicating, and near death experiences are behind us, I feel that we should come to some sort of truce.  I promise that, although I will be a part of your life until “death do us part,” I will do my best to simply hover in the shadows created by your shining light, as long as you promise not to kill me with drugs, alcohol,  or any other “negative” coping mechanism.

Love,

Vicious Sadness

 

Gov't Survey

"WASHINGTON – The government says 1 in 5 American adults suffered from mental illness during the past year. Most didn't receive treatment.
A survey being released Thursday by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration found that 45 million experienced some form of mental illness in 2009, from major depression to more serious problems such as suicide attempts. Fewer than 4 in 10 received treatment for their mental health condition.
The survey found a strong link between mental health problems and alcoholism and drug abuse. Mental illness was also more likely among the unemployed, young adults and women. Overall, more than 8 million had serious thoughts of suicide, and 1 million tried to carry them out."


I feel so thankful that I was finally able to understand what was happening to me and get the medical help that I needed.  I am sad that so many people are suffering and go untreated.  The estimated percentages of people who have what they call co-occurring diagnosis (mental illness and substance abuse) are about 50%.  I am thankful to be in the percentage of those who have not turned to drugs and alcohol to self medicate, although I do personally know people that have.  I have to say that I understand why they turn to those substances to try and cope with the pain of mental illness, although all it does is compound the problems to an extreme degree.  I know that my knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ has been a foundation of hope and faith for me and has helped me have a deeper understanding of the trials that each one of us will experience.  If we turn to our Savior, all things can be for our good through his atoning sacrifice.  We need to have faith that this is true.  I can look back and see how this has come to pass in my own life and in the lives of my family.  We have learned from each experience and are able to use it to bless the lives of others through our compassion and service.  We are able to validate to others that what they are experiencing is real, that they are not crazy, and we can try to give them hope that things will get better.  My heart goes out to everyone who suffers with mental illness. It is a very difficult life for us and for those who love us.  Please have compassion and love for those who suffer.  We need your understanding and support.

Inspirational Video

Never Ever Give Up
(click on title to view video)

The Power of Touch

Story from a book I am reading about Job titled, 
"A Man of Heroic Endurance- Job" 

written by Charles R. Swindoll  

"I will never forget reading about the tragedy that struck a family of one child.  The mother died abruptly and early in the child's life.  The father and the daughter were suddenly left with only the memory of this wonderful wife and mother.  Their grief and sorrow went deep.  The night following the funeral, as the father tucked his daughter in bed, his heart went out to her, seeing that she was fighting back tears.  And he decided that he would move a cot in there.  He pulled it up close beside his daughter's bed, and they soon feel asleep.  In the middle of the night, he heard her crying.  And he called her name.  Through her tears she said, "Daddy, it's just so hard.  I just miss her so much."  Fighting back his own tears, he reached over and took her hand.  She said, "Oh, that's so much better."  And then she put her hand on his shoulder and on his chest.  Wanting to comfort her he said, "You know, sweetheart, we have the Lord to lean on." She said, "I know that, Daddy...but tonight I just need someone with skin on." 

When I was in severe depression, sometimes all I needed was someone to hug me.  The family learned that they couldn't fix the depression but they could give me a hug and reassure me that I was loved.  At times it would instantly calm my anxiety and help me not feel so alone.  It seemed that a physical strength immediately transferred from their body to mine. I think that that solution to my situation at times felt like too simple of an answer to Brent.  It didn't make sense to him.  I am thankful that he has learned how critical it can be for me.  Sometimes I am able to ask him to hug me, but other times he is able to sense that is what I need.  We have come so far in understanding what I need in order to stay healthy and well.  Thanks and love to Brent for sticking with me long enough for us to come out on the other side.  We still have a lifetime of bipolar to live with, but now we are in it together.

"Next to Normal" Broadway Musical

"Next to Normal" is an award winning Broadway musical about a mother who struggles with Bipolar Disorder and the effect the illness has on her husband and children.  The musical also addresses such issues as grieving a loss, suicide, drug abuse, ethics in modern psychiatry, and suburban life. The music hits a little too close to home and I get emotional listening to it.  I hope to see it one of these days.

"I don’t need a life that’s normal
That’s way too far away
But something next to normal
Would be okay
Yeah, something next to normal
That’s the thing I’d like to try
Close enough to normal
To get by"

"You Don't Know" (the wife)

"I am the One" (the husband and son)

"Light" (the family)