bp magazine letter

bp magazine is a bipolar magazine I came across while volunteering at the Boise NAMI office.  I was on their online forum tonight and came across this post.  I thought it was worth sharing.
http://www.bphope.com/

"When I was in intensive outpatient therapy, in one of my groups I wrote a letter from my "better half" to my illness.  It was insightful, to say the least.  Recently I came across the letter, and my current therapist suggested that I write a response to my better half.  Here goes. . ."

Dear Vicious Sadness,

            You have made my life a living hell.  Day in and day out I feel your ugliness and it butts into my routine.  I have lost my freedom, some of my friends, and my job because of you.  In the past you were sometimes an inspiration for my artwork.  Recently I have lost that inspiration, so life with you is full of nothing but despair.  I would kill you if it didn’t mean killing myself.  I didn’t even realize I held this negativity until writing this letter forced me to face my demons.  I just wanted to say that I think I would be a better person without you.

Sincerely,

Your Better Half

Dear “Better Half”,

            The obvious thing to do would be to apologize for making your life miserable, but it would fall flat, and so this is not an apology letter, but rather a forum to get things off my chest.  When I decided to take a bottle of pills and just lie down to die, you were the one who saved me.  I thank you for that, because I never realized how much my death (and yours) would have destroyed my friends and family.  I also thank you for making me write in the diary that the paramedics found and passed on to the doctor.  It is because of you that I got the wake-up call and help that we both needed.  I find it sad that you think you would be better off without me.  I am a part of you, as much as you are a part of me.  I think that you appreciate life much more now that you have seen what happens when I rule over our brain.  Now that we take the right meds our brain is in balance, and although my creativity has been squashed, it is a small price to pay for (us) to be functional (dare I say happy?)  Now that mood swings, self-medicating, and near death experiences are behind us, I feel that we should come to some sort of truce.  I promise that, although I will be a part of your life until “death do us part,” I will do my best to simply hover in the shadows created by your shining light, as long as you promise not to kill me with drugs, alcohol,  or any other “negative” coping mechanism.

Love,

Vicious Sadness

 

Gov't Survey

"WASHINGTON – The government says 1 in 5 American adults suffered from mental illness during the past year. Most didn't receive treatment.
A survey being released Thursday by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration found that 45 million experienced some form of mental illness in 2009, from major depression to more serious problems such as suicide attempts. Fewer than 4 in 10 received treatment for their mental health condition.
The survey found a strong link between mental health problems and alcoholism and drug abuse. Mental illness was also more likely among the unemployed, young adults and women. Overall, more than 8 million had serious thoughts of suicide, and 1 million tried to carry them out."


I feel so thankful that I was finally able to understand what was happening to me and get the medical help that I needed.  I am sad that so many people are suffering and go untreated.  The estimated percentages of people who have what they call co-occurring diagnosis (mental illness and substance abuse) are about 50%.  I am thankful to be in the percentage of those who have not turned to drugs and alcohol to self medicate, although I do personally know people that have.  I have to say that I understand why they turn to those substances to try and cope with the pain of mental illness, although all it does is compound the problems to an extreme degree.  I know that my knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ has been a foundation of hope and faith for me and has helped me have a deeper understanding of the trials that each one of us will experience.  If we turn to our Savior, all things can be for our good through his atoning sacrifice.  We need to have faith that this is true.  I can look back and see how this has come to pass in my own life and in the lives of my family.  We have learned from each experience and are able to use it to bless the lives of others through our compassion and service.  We are able to validate to others that what they are experiencing is real, that they are not crazy, and we can try to give them hope that things will get better.  My heart goes out to everyone who suffers with mental illness. It is a very difficult life for us and for those who love us.  Please have compassion and love for those who suffer.  We need your understanding and support.

Inspirational Video

Never Ever Give Up
(click on title to view video)

The Power of Touch

Story from a book I am reading about Job titled, 
"A Man of Heroic Endurance- Job" 

written by Charles R. Swindoll  

"I will never forget reading about the tragedy that struck a family of one child.  The mother died abruptly and early in the child's life.  The father and the daughter were suddenly left with only the memory of this wonderful wife and mother.  Their grief and sorrow went deep.  The night following the funeral, as the father tucked his daughter in bed, his heart went out to her, seeing that she was fighting back tears.  And he decided that he would move a cot in there.  He pulled it up close beside his daughter's bed, and they soon feel asleep.  In the middle of the night, he heard her crying.  And he called her name.  Through her tears she said, "Daddy, it's just so hard.  I just miss her so much."  Fighting back his own tears, he reached over and took her hand.  She said, "Oh, that's so much better."  And then she put her hand on his shoulder and on his chest.  Wanting to comfort her he said, "You know, sweetheart, we have the Lord to lean on." She said, "I know that, Daddy...but tonight I just need someone with skin on." 

When I was in severe depression, sometimes all I needed was someone to hug me.  The family learned that they couldn't fix the depression but they could give me a hug and reassure me that I was loved.  At times it would instantly calm my anxiety and help me not feel so alone.  It seemed that a physical strength immediately transferred from their body to mine. I think that that solution to my situation at times felt like too simple of an answer to Brent.  It didn't make sense to him.  I am thankful that he has learned how critical it can be for me.  Sometimes I am able to ask him to hug me, but other times he is able to sense that is what I need.  We have come so far in understanding what I need in order to stay healthy and well.  Thanks and love to Brent for sticking with me long enough for us to come out on the other side.  We still have a lifetime of bipolar to live with, but now we are in it together.

"Next to Normal" Broadway Musical

"Next to Normal" is an award winning Broadway musical about a mother who struggles with Bipolar Disorder and the effect the illness has on her husband and children.  The musical also addresses such issues as grieving a loss, suicide, drug abuse, ethics in modern psychiatry, and suburban life. The music hits a little too close to home and I get emotional listening to it.  I hope to see it one of these days.

"I don’t need a life that’s normal
That’s way too far away
But something next to normal
Would be okay
Yeah, something next to normal
That’s the thing I’d like to try
Close enough to normal
To get by"

"You Don't Know" (the wife)

"I am the One" (the husband and son)

"Light" (the family)

Just Saying...

I hate bad days.

Bipolar Disorder Article

Bipolar Disorder: What to Say, What Not to Say 

What you say to your loved one with bipolar disorder can make a difference — either in a positive way or in a harmful one.

By Andrea Bledsoe, PhD

Medically reviewed by Pat F. Bass III, MD, MPH

If your loved one has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, you may be in shock and may not know what to say. It’s important to choose your words carefully, because what you communicate can either support your loved one and encourage her to seek treatment or make her feel even worse about herself and her diagnosis, discouraging her from getting the help she needs.

Bipolar Disorder: The Nine Worst Things to Say

You may have been surprised by your loved one’s diagnosis and her behavior may be very frustrating, but no matter what she does (or doesn’t do) and how upset you get, do your best to avoid saying the following:

1. You’re crazy.
2. This is your fault.
3. You’re not trying.
4. Everyone has bad times.
5. You’ll be okay — there’s no need to worry.
6. You’ll never be in a serious romantic relationship.
7. What's the matter with you?
8. I can’t help you.
9. You don’t have to take your moods out on me — I’m getting so tired of this.

The truth is that bipolar disorder is a genetic medical illness — and it is treatable. Your loved one may cycle between being depressed with very little energy to being hyperactive or “manic.” This is all part of the illness and she can’t help it. It’s important that you be supportive, without nagging her. It will also help you if you know what to expect and how to spot when your loved one is not doing well or has stopped taking his medication.

Bipolar Disorder: The Eight Best Things to Say

What should you say to be supportive and help your loved one to do her best to manage the condition without being too pushy? Some of the best words of encouragement include:

1. This is a medical illness and it is not your fault.
2. I am here. We'll make it through this together.
3. You and your life are important to me.
4. You’re not alone.
5. Tell me how I can help.
6. I might not know how you feel, but I’m here to support you.
7. Whenever you feel like giving up, tell yourself to hold on for another minute, hour, day — whatever you feel you can do.
8. Your illness doesn't define who you are. You are still you, with hopes and dreams you can attain.

I have said for a long time that there is no neutral position for those who are involved in a bipolar person's life.  You can either make things better for them or make them worse.  Brent hated that he seemed to be my trigger for so many years, but once he understood how to help and support me in living with this illness it made all the difference.  Now he is not my trigger but my rock.  Truly, I couldn't do this without him.  It took us a long time to learn how to work together in making this illness possible for me to live with and the family to live with. The reality is that everyone in my life is affected by what this does to me, so learning the right tools has made life better for all of us.  Brent totally gets it now.  The love that I have for him is beyond words.  I hope everyone who lives with the nightmare of bipolar disorder has someone to support and love them like I do.  Thank you to my amazing husband.

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Jean-Claude Van Damme

I am so intrigued with celebrities who have Bipolar Disorder.  Jean-Claude Van Damme was a cocaine addict, was married four times from 1984-1994, was charged with spousal abuse, and became suicidal in 1997. Not long after that he was diagnosed rapid cycling bipolar disorder and was prescribed Lithium.  He says, "In one week, I felt it kick in. All the commotion around me, all the water around me, moving left and right around me, became like a lake."

I like his description of how the medication helped him; the commotion was gone. Lithium was the first medication I was put on in 2001.  For me it was not a good thing.  I am a bit envious of those who find the answer right away.  For me it was eight long years of trial and error.  I would say that for the majority the road to discovering what medication will bring them to a stable place can take years. It was a test of faith for myself and for my family as we battled the war day in and day out without much relief.  We suffered through the bad and tried to enjoy any small reprieve that came, knowing that the time would likely be short lived.  The emotions of bipolar are completely overwhelming.  I think a good comparison in how I experience it, is it's like a flash flood.  The emotions come fast and hard, without any warning.

I still don't know where to channel that negative energy.  Just yesterday I was expressing to Brent my frustration at still not understanding what to do with it even after all these years. I guess I should be learning patience through all of this but I certainly don't feel I have made much progress in that area.  Maybe I don't give myself much credit, but then again, maybe I don't deserve any credit.  We still experience the bipolar inconsistency everyday, but the good days completely outweigh the bad.  Thank goodness for a doctor who never gave up and a family who has had endless amounts of enduring love for me. I can say that I feel greatly blessed. I never thought I would be able to say that and actually believe it.

"Unwell" -Matchbox Twenty

"Definitely an insanity song. And that's what makes it rock."  -Anonymous

This has been one of my "bipolar songs" for quite a few years. I know that the song meaning could be applied to various life situations but for me it speaks so accurately of mental illness and how it has affected my life for so many years. There were a few years that I literally felt crazy but looking back I can see that I was unwell...not crazy. Thank goodness for medication!

Idiot.

 An idiot's answer to the question, "To Stay or Not to Stay with a Bipolar Spouse."


"I am not a professional psychologist, and unless you are, I would highly suggest getting one on staff in your home if you are thinking of staying with a bipolar person.  They are waaaaaaaay too much to handle for the "normal" people.
I tried going to a group meeting for spouses and family of Bipolars and they are sad people living sad lives watching their Bipolar family members do destructive and hateful things, and yet they feel that they can't get out of it. 
Well I can!  We don't have any kids, and I am not going to waste another minute of my life trying to help someone that cannot or will not be helped!"


Thankfully I am married to a man who is as far from being an idiot as possible.  Sometimes I have no patience for people like this.  Actually, I never have patience for people like this.

Sleep Deprivation Stinks

One of the most difficult things to deal with is the lack of sleep due to the bipolar.  When my depression was so severe five years ago, I was sleeping most of the time.  As I have come out of that extreme low I have had continual issues with not getting enough rest.  I wish it was as simple as cutting out any caffeine intake. Without fail my brain will turn on in the middle of the night and I have no control after that.  Thoughts swirl through my head and will not shut off, that is if I am even able to get to sleep in the first place.  When my sleep cycle is at it's worst, I am up until five or six in the morning and then I have to get my eight hours or I am an emotional wreck.  My doctor calls it day/night reversal.  It seems to run it's cycle and will slowly correct itself, but only slightly.  Even in my best sleep place, I wake up every hour or so and have to try to get back to sleep.  I can't remember the last time I have had a solid seven to eight hours of rest.  I don't know how that feels anymore, to be completely rested.  The bummer is that even when I try to get rested and feel somewhat okay when I wake up, I then have to take my morning medication which has drowsiness as one of the side effects, so the yawning begins about thirty minutes after that. We have tried many so called sleep remedies and all sorts of medication but with no success. The prescription sleep aids actually made my mood cycling worse.So to all those who are able to sleep...may you rest in peace, as for me the day has just begun. 

Starry Night

 Vincent van Gogh (1853-1890) had an eccentric personality and unstable moods, suffered from recurrent psychotic episodes during the last 2 years of his extraordinary life, and committed suicide at the age of 37.  Don McLean wrote the song "Vincent" in memory of Van Gogh.  The words are very meaningful and I think those who suffer from mental illness can find a deeper meaning and understanding of his life.  Van Gogh painted Starry Night while in an asylum in Saint-Remy in 1889.
Listen to the song below.

Starry Starry Night

My Current Read

I find solace in reading books that help me understand answers to difficult questions, books that give me hope in times of darkness, and books that somehow bless me with light in the middle of my darkness.  This is a book my dad gave me today.  I am looking forward to reading it.  

The title draws me in.

 BUT IF NOT

WHEN BAD THINGS THREATEN TO DESTROY GOOD PEOPLE

 JOYCE AND DENNIS ASHTON

"Faith is something greater than ourselves that enables us to do what we said we would do.  To press forward when we are tired or hurt or afraid.  To keep going when the challenge seems overwhelming and the course is uncertain."

President Gordon B. Hinckley 

CELEBRITY BIPOLARS

Bi-Polar Bird

Bi-Polar Bear

Crash and Burn

I get really frustrated that I can't handle stress like most people.  One glitch can send me into a tailspin that is difficult to recover from.  I am blessed to have a husband that is so capable of taking care of the situations that I can't seem to handle.  I hate not being strong enough to carry my end of the load but the bipolar takes over at certain times and the triggers take me down hard.  I feel a tremendous amount of guilt over the fact that my family is so affected my illness.  I  was in an plane crash when I was twelve years old and the fear, pain, and anxiety that I experience now are worse than that actual crash was for me.  Doesn't make sense.  Thank goodness I can recover from the "crash and burns" much quicker than I have been able to in years past.  I feel thankful for the progress we have made in learning how to live with the bipolar in the best way that we can.  Many, many thanks to my husband and kids.  I literally couldn't do this without their love and support.

Hope...or not

Some days I'm just not feeling it.

Random Anonymous Quote

"I have BPD, PTSD and ADD. lt's like "Wheel of Unfortunate" and I don't want to buy a 'D'."

 

The Bipolar Express

Parody Posters for Mood Disorders

If your vision is as bad as mine, you can click on the image for a better view.  :)

Bipolar Magazine

I have volunteered a few times at the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) here in Boise.  They have a library there in the office where books and magazines can be checked out.  I found a magazine there that I was not familiar with.  I highly recommend this to anyone who has the illness. There is very good information, and stories of others personal experiences with the illness. I find it helps me in knowing that I am not alone.  I guess I don't feel so crazy knowing there are others who are fighting the same war that I battle every single day.

 

http://www.bphope.com/

 

 

 

I find comfort in knowing what Bipolar IS and what Bipolar IS NOT.

What is bipolar?

Bipolar disorder is a treatable illness marked by extreme changes in mood, thought, energy, and behavior. Bipolar disorder is also known as manic depression because a person's mood can alternate between the "poles," mania (highs) and depression (lows). The change in mood can last for hours, days, weeks or months.

What Bipolar is not?  
Bipolar disorder is not a character flaw or sign of personal weakness.


For a good part of my life I thought I had many, many character flaws and personal weaknesses.  It was a difficult thing to constantly be going in circles trying to fix things that I considered bad or lacking in myself.  No matter how hard I tried, I never seemed to make any progress.  I felt so inferior to those around me.  Finding out that I had Bipolar Disorder explained so much.  I wasn't a bad or weak person.  I had an illness.  An illness that could be treated.  This is not the life I envisioned for myself.  I didn't choose this and it definitely wasn't at the top of my bucket list!  But this is the my reality now; the road I have to travel.  I do believe the teaching that ALL things can be for our good if we continually turn to God for our strength and support.  There is no doubt in my mind that somehow I am being taught and refined through this process.  Today I can feel the faith that I know I have.  Some days I struggle to find and remember that solid foundation, so I am grateful to be tuned into that truth for now.  I am so thankful for my good days.

Thomas Jefferson Quote

 
“Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?” 

Thomas Jefferson


I love how the word softly is used in this quote.  It implies the loving, tender compassion we can give to one another, in particular those who suffer as we have suffered.  For me, talking to others who had themselves experienced depression was critical for me in my attempt to hang on to life during the incredibly difficult years I had until we were able to get me to a healthy place.  A special few were able to give me a sliver of hope in my darkest of times.  I needed to hear from those who had survived the devastating effects of depression themselves, and even then, I still had difficulty believing that I would one day be well.  Hope is out there for each one of us but sometimes we need those around us to give us a lifeline and a reason to keep living.  I will forever be grateful for those who "softly bound up my wounds" in my time of need. My hope is to give to others that which was given to me- an understanding heart and empathetic, listening ears. 

Winston Churchill Quote

Loving these quotes-

"If you are going through hell, keep going."

Winston Churchill

"In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: it goes on."

Robert Frost


I read these quotes to my family and Dani asked me what my three words are.    

Breathe- Believe- Hope

Without these, I wouldn't have been able to "keep going" through my own personal hell.

No Patience for Judgment...

I have been living the bipolar roller coaster officially for over nine years and unofficially for my entire life, so you would think that after all this time of dealing with people's critical judgment regarding medications for mental illness, I would be beyond being affected by their criticism.  You would think that I could accept that they are speaking from a lack of knowledge and experience, and therefore, have no idea what they are talking about.  You would think.  But I do care and I hate being misunderstood.  It cuts like a knife every time but especially when it comes from people I really care about.  I guess I need to get thicker skin.   It very quickly sends me into a downward spiral.  My husband wonders why it matters so much to me what other people think.  I really can't answer that, only that it does.  When it happens, I first have disbelief, then anger, and then many, many tears.  Stupid, I know.  For some reason it makes me question all the experience and knowledge that I have received through years of study and personal trials with the bipolar illness.  I know how critical medications have been for myself, my kids, and others that I personally know.  It frustrates me that I let others opinions rock my foundation of knowledge.  After I  work my way through the bipolar emotional mess it creates for me and I have come out on the other side, I can once again gain my strong footing and know that it is just hard, and maybe impossible for people to understand who have not lived it or who have not witnessed someone they love live the nightmare.  Without my medications I would not be here.  Period.  It took a lot of experimenting, a lot of trial and error, and a lot of painful years before we found the combination that worked for me. Once we did, I have been able to live again in a somewhat normal way. Medication isn't the cure all but I believe it is the first step.  Once a person is stabilized they can then begin to understand and learn how to live with a chronic mental illness.  Implementing certain tools will give them the ability to live a good, productive, and happy life.  My goal is to stop letting the opinion of others rock my world.  I know what I know, and that should be enough.  So wish me luck on my path to learning how to forgive and not judge others, for their judgment of me.

Not a Mere Cottage...

C.S. Lewis spoke of how God remodels us, if we will but let Him, sometimes in ways that hurt and don't seem, on the surface, to make sense.
     
"Imagine yourself as a living house.  God comes in to rebuild that house.  At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing.  He is getting the drains right and stopping leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing so you are not surprised.  But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense.  What on earth is He up to?  The explanation is that he is building quite a different house from the one you thought of- throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.  You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

 

All I can say is, it must be some palace.

Elder Wirthlin Quote

Nothing beyond 

His Healing Touch

“No grief is so great, no pain so profound, 
no burden so unbearable 

that it is beyond His healing touch.”

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin 
of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

When I am not doing well it is promises like this that keep me hanging onto a hope that I cannot pull from within myself.  

 

Pass on the Compassion

I have been having some bad days and this is the time when I pull out my very used bipolar and depression books and when I read back on my journals.   I am always shocked at all that my family and I have been through because of my illness.  It makes me sad but it also reminds me of how far we have come in getting me stable and how much we have learned about how to live with a chronic mental illness.  There is no way to completely understand depression and the mood swings of bipolar disorder unless you have lived it, but I do think reading about or hearing others experiences can bring good insight.  I have said in the past that sometimes the language of depression sounds overly dramatic.  There are times when even I find it hard to remember ever having felt that depressed and hopeless.  However, these thoughts and feelings were very real at the time and it was truly my reality, as dramatic as it sounds.  Whenever we go through traumatic events and trials in our life we are changed and we will never be the same.  That is not necessarily a bad thing.  What we live can give us compassion, empathy, understanding, growth, maturity, and a desire to help others in ways that we could not have otherwise done if we hadn't experienced it ourselves.  I believe it is our responsibility to then pass on the compassion.  My journal entries are the best way for me to convey what was happening during the years my illness was winning the battle.  I have many, many journal notebooks.  These are just a few excerpts.

11-7-06
I am tired of the extremes.  Everything feels wrong today.  I am not able to cope with any simple thought or act.  I feel paralyzed.  When I get like this I try to remind myself that it is only temporary and that I will be able to handle life again but it is almost impossible to believe.  When I feel like this I hate that everyone has to have me in their lives.  I seem to make things so much harder for everyone.  I have no energy.  My hand is too tired to continue writing.


11-24-06
This evening I was at the bottom and wanting to die.  The pain is so severe when I get this low.  It feels as if it will never go away and that I will never feel hope again.  I am shocked everytime.


12-18-06
It's Monday morning and I am dreading the day.  I didn't sleep last night.  I was up and down all night and as a result I am emotional, discouraged, and tired.  I don't know how productive the day will be.  I get so tired of the mood roller coaster I live on.  No one can understand unless they have lived it day in and day out for years.  The thought of living this way for the rest of my life gives me thoughts of wanting give up.  I am living in a discouraging state of mind.  I think most people would tell me to change my attitude.  What do they know!  I am so tired of feeling judged.


12-30-06
I am hurting everyone in my life and so they would be better off without me.  I try so hard to hang on to logic and truth but my emotions completely take over.  No matter what happens, I need everyone to know that I have done my best.


1-10-07
I felt good until a few minutes ago.  I was reading a book on depression and bipolar and I read a part that talked about bipolar not going away and always needing continued  treatment.  All of a sudden I felt such a deep sadness for what I have to live the rest of my life with.  It feels like a death sentence.  I hate these mood shifts.  I have a pain in my chest that came about the time the crying started.  I feel extremely tired.  It comes on so fast.  I can't write anymore- I'm too tired.


1-15-07
I am so sad and frustrated.  Things just keep caving in on us.  Honestly it's difficult to keep hold of any hope.  Last night the despair completely overcame me.  I am so tired of what is happening.  I know that if I keep getting pushed down, one of these times I will not get up- literally.  Thoughts of death come so often.  Honestly,  I feel that taking my life is inevitable.  The hopelessness I feel overwhelms me to the point of almost not functioning.  The future feels too big to face.  Same old feelings, same old complaints.  How will anything ever be okay?  I want to hide in bed today.  I have no hope...


5-9-07
I need everyone to know that I have done my very best.  No matter how hard I try it's never enough.  The bipolar will never leave me alone.  I am tired and overwhelmed.  I feel like I am hurting everyone in my life.  I can't do it anymore.  It's too big.
I love you all-


As I have read about others experiences with depression I have found that the same words, thoughts and feelings are expressed over and over.  That is why I call it the language of depression.  It is good for me to understand that I am normal in how I am experiencing the illness.  It makes me feel validated which has been such an important lifeline for me.  I am thankful to those who have opened up to me in the past in regards to their own illnesses.  It is sometimes a very personal thing to share and can make us vulnerable to judgment and ridicule.  I have had to learn to put away any pride and be willing to speak openly.  l think one of the best ways we can help others is to be completely honest.   What I would tell anyone experiencing the deep hopelessness that comes with depression is that it will get better.  You will have hope again and you will feel happiness again.  It seems impossible to believe in those darkest of days but it will happen.  Don't give in to the lies the illness brings to your mind.  Hang on, have hope and then, pass on the compassion.

Somedays it's all I can do...

Lucky Me

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
~Rita Mae Brown

I guess I am the lucky one.  : )

Images

 

This is an image that I found when I googled bipolar.

It is accurate in the depiction of the hurt and pain that is experienced.

Even though I am okay today, 

when I see this image my pain comes to the surface,

and I remember...vividly.

   

Life is so unsure in my world.  Bipolar is only consistent in it's inconsistency.  I get tired of the balancing act; it is never ending.  Words that describe how it affects me:  anger, overwhelmed, sad, guilty, tiresome, frustrated, judged, crazy, lonely, intense, regret, depressed, highs and lows, endless tears, irritable, complete fatigue, impulsiveness, racing thoughts, insomnia, impatience, misunderstood, and a pain beyond any description I can give.  If you haven't lived it, you can't understand it. But a big thank you to those in my life who do try to understand the very best they can.  We enjoy the good days and just try to make it through the bad.  In spite of it all, I feel very blessed to have made it this far.  It would have been easy to quit many times.

 

I have used this image before and here it is again.  For some reason it just speaks to me.  Tears have ruled my life for too many years to count.  Last night I started a new book on mental illnesses and the unfairness of it all just hit full force and I couldn't stop crying.  I think that I can speak for all those who carry these burdens in saying,

"IT SUCKS."

(and I don't even use that word.)

Kudos to all those who suffer with it,

and kudos to those who suffer alongside of them 
with love and patience.
I love you Brent.

Quote

"A person can react in three different ways to a chronic illness.  The first is to give up.  The second is to fight the diagnosis continually, which leads to despair because you get nowhere.  The third road is to get active in your own behalf and take responsibilty for your well-being and your goals for the future."

Kathleen Lewis

Holiday Success

I am happy to report that my health was good this year for the holidays. I have had some years where I barely survived and pulled off Christmas by the skin of my teeth.  I always feel so bad for my family when I can't function well during such important and normally fun times of the year.  I think that my understanding of how to live successfully with Bipolar has contributed to my ability to stay well during happy but stressful times. I only do what I can, I get plenty of rest, and everyone in the family understands when I need help and pitches in.  I appreciate my family learning along with me how to help me live with a chronic illness. It has made all the difference for our entire family. Here are some random December pictures.

 

Go Boise State Broncos!  Brent always makes me laugh. BSU is playing in the Fiesta Bowl next week and we are so excited!  Too bad we aren't able to be there.

 

   

I love my tree and always hate it when it's time to take it down.

 

Bailey and her friend Canada at their Christmas dance recital.

  

I can't believe how fast she is growing up. Our baby is no longer a baby!  We will become grandparents this year so I guess it is time. Now there will be another baby for us to enjoy.  We are so excited but also feeling very old.  : )

 

Dani, Bailey and I were able to go to Salt Lake for my best friends daughters wedding.  I was worried about the weather and traveling with just us girls but we were lucky and the roads were clear.

  

Courtney & Adam

  

Dani and Courtney. They have been friends since they were toddlers.

  

Bailey and I.  Mistletoe fun!

  

Brent and Dani.  Two of the biggest clowns in our family!

Somethings wrong with this picture.  Shouldn't he be smiling?

Hooky-Bobbing at 1:30 in the morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So many times I am unable to join in fun times like this.  I am so grateful to have been a part of a memory that will last forever.