Journal Entries

2005 was one of my worst years since being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2001. When I read back on my journal entries I am amazed that I was able to hang on to life. For those who have not experienced severe clinical depression, I am sure that the words sound overly dramatic. They are not. When you are in that place, it is your reality and the despair is almost too much to live with. Periodically I am going to post some of my entries. For those who have been there, I know that you will understand the "language" of depression.

4-15-05

“I don’t know who I am. I don’t feel any purpose in my life. I have not lost my faith but I have a lot of questions. First and foremost: What am I supposed to do? I can’t even take care of myself. How can I take care of my family? Why do my kids have to have a crazy mom? I know that “I choose life” but it is really hard to maintain that rational and true thought when all in my life feels overwhelming and pointless. I am such a loser.”

“I feel like I am dying inside. What is wrong with me? I can’t see any hope of ever being able to be happy or function normally again. Why is this happening to me? How much longer can we take it? I think we are all so tired. I am an empty shell, living each day just so it can be over. But then I have to somehow face the next sunrise. Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I be well enough to take care of my family? I am no good to anyone.”

4-16-05

“I am so tired. I don’t see my purpose. I don’t see a way to keep living like this. My heart hurts so bad. Thoughts of going to sleep and never waking up would be welcome. I had a hard time last night- crying and hurting so bad inside. I feel scared to face the day. I am so tired of crying, feeling alone, not knowing where to turn. I pray all the time but I can’t hear or feel anything. I believe that God loves me but why do I have to suffer so long. I don’t know if I can do it. The pain and guilt is too deep.”

4-17-05

“I was going to write that I hate myself but that sounds a little strong, so I will say that I have a growing dislike for who I am today. I feel mad inside. I don’t like my inability to have control over my life. I don’t like being dependent on medication. I don’t like having no goals or drive in my life. I hate not understanding what the hell is wrong with me. Yesterday was good. Yippee. One day. And I don’t understand what I did different. How can I change if I don’t know what to change?”

4-24-05

“How can I be a loser my whole life? Was I ever able to function normally? This morning I feel like I have always been weak, emotionally insecure, unable to handle life appropriately no matter what age I was. I just want to shut down and hide. I think that I am going to fail. I am too weak to change. I am going back to the word broken- never to be fixed because I am weak and stupid. Does this sound like a mother in her forties who has five children and a husband? The word loser is written all over me. What is wrong with me? What is the point? One moment I am happy and content- next moment I am one of the worst people on this earth. I hate being dumb.”

5-16-05

“Today I had a couple of episodes of hard crying. The intense pain and lonelinest that I feel during these times are too difficult to even describe. My chest feels heavy with physical pain. It gets difficult for me to breathe, my whole body becomes completely tense and my head pounds. Sometimes if I take the bottom ends of my hands and press as hard as I can on my temples, then that will ease the pain a little. It’s so frustrating to feel so much emotional turmoil and not understand where it is coming from. What is the core? What is the beginning? How do you fix something when you don’t know why it is broken.