Angel of Courage

I received my "Angel of Courage" Demdaco Willow Tree statue in 2003 from a good friend of mine after my first hospitalization. I have been collecting them since then but this one is the most meaningful and my favorite. Fighting Bipolar Disorder takes a lot of courage and faith; believing that all things can work for our good if we continue to turn to God for our strength. It is a daily battle for me even when things are going as well as they are at this point in my life. I have to continually remind myself that I am still living and breathing and that takes courage. I must be doing something right.

Trying to keep the humor...

"Lullaby" by Creed

I wish I could sleep....

Uplifting Quotes for a Depressed Heart

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begin the task anew."

Saint Francis de Sales


"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

Stephan Hoeller


"Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment."

Greenville Kleisser


Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

Helen Keller


"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

C.S. Lewis


"What you thought before has led to every choice you have made, and this adds up to you at this moment. If you want to change who you are physically, mentally, and spiritually, you will have to change what you think."

Dr. Patrick Gentempo


"Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness."

Reinhold Niebuhr


"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

Leo Buscaglia

Enough said...

Journal Entries

2005 was one of my worst years since being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2001. When I read back on my journal entries I am amazed that I was able to hang on to life. For those who have not experienced severe clinical depression, I am sure that the words sound overly dramatic. They are not. When you are in that place, it is your reality and the despair is almost too much to live with. Periodically I am going to post some of my entries. For those who have been there, I know that you will understand the "language" of depression.

4-15-05

“I don’t know who I am. I don’t feel any purpose in my life. I have not lost my faith but I have a lot of questions. First and foremost: What am I supposed to do? I can’t even take care of myself. How can I take care of my family? Why do my kids have to have a crazy mom? I know that “I choose life” but it is really hard to maintain that rational and true thought when all in my life feels overwhelming and pointless. I am such a loser.”

“I feel like I am dying inside. What is wrong with me? I can’t see any hope of ever being able to be happy or function normally again. Why is this happening to me? How much longer can we take it? I think we are all so tired. I am an empty shell, living each day just so it can be over. But then I have to somehow face the next sunrise. Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I be well enough to take care of my family? I am no good to anyone.”

4-16-05

“I am so tired. I don’t see my purpose. I don’t see a way to keep living like this. My heart hurts so bad. Thoughts of going to sleep and never waking up would be welcome. I had a hard time last night- crying and hurting so bad inside. I feel scared to face the day. I am so tired of crying, feeling alone, not knowing where to turn. I pray all the time but I can’t hear or feel anything. I believe that God loves me but why do I have to suffer so long. I don’t know if I can do it. The pain and guilt is too deep.”

4-17-05

“I was going to write that I hate myself but that sounds a little strong, so I will say that I have a growing dislike for who I am today. I feel mad inside. I don’t like my inability to have control over my life. I don’t like being dependent on medication. I don’t like having no goals or drive in my life. I hate not understanding what the hell is wrong with me. Yesterday was good. Yippee. One day. And I don’t understand what I did different. How can I change if I don’t know what to change?”

4-24-05

“How can I be a loser my whole life? Was I ever able to function normally? This morning I feel like I have always been weak, emotionally insecure, unable to handle life appropriately no matter what age I was. I just want to shut down and hide. I think that I am going to fail. I am too weak to change. I am going back to the word broken- never to be fixed because I am weak and stupid. Does this sound like a mother in her forties who has five children and a husband? The word loser is written all over me. What is wrong with me? What is the point? One moment I am happy and content- next moment I am one of the worst people on this earth. I hate being dumb.”

5-16-05

“Today I had a couple of episodes of hard crying. The intense pain and lonelinest that I feel during these times are too difficult to even describe. My chest feels heavy with physical pain. It gets difficult for me to breathe, my whole body becomes completely tense and my head pounds. Sometimes if I take the bottom ends of my hands and press as hard as I can on my temples, then that will ease the pain a little. It’s so frustrating to feel so much emotional turmoil and not understand where it is coming from. What is the core? What is the beginning? How do you fix something when you don’t know why it is broken.

Brown Eyes

I found this video a few months ago and it makes me smile every time I watch it.

"Ideals"

My dad had me memorize this quote when I was a teenager. I found it again years later in a file with some poetry and quotes that I had saved. I have a wise father.

“As you think, you travel; and as you love, you attract; you are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you. You cannot escape the results of your thoughts, but you can endure and learn, can accept and be glad. You will realize the vision (not the idle wish) of your heart, be it base or beautiful, or a mixture of both, for you will always gravitate towards that which you secretly most love. Into your hands will be placed the exact result of your thoughts. You will receive that which you earn, nor more- no less. Whatever your present environment may be, you will fall, remain, or rise with your thoughts, your vision, your ideal. You will become as small as your controlling desire, as great as your dominant aspiration.”

Van Dyke

Sanity Test :)

"During a visit to a mental hospital, I asked the Director how he determines whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Bipolar Bear

One of Those Days...

It has been one of those days...just wait until it's over and hope that I will be better tomorrow. I get discouraged not being able to be who I really feel that I am. And I find that I go through times of grieving over and over, feeling so sad for what this illness has done to me and my family. I have to remind myself that I am in a wonderful place in comparison to years past. I need to remember to be grateful for the progress we have made and all that we have learned. Today I pulled out my "Bipolar Disorder for Dummies" book and re-read everything that I already know. Sometimes it just helps to feel validated for what I am experiencing. It is real and it is hard.

Friendship Magic

I found this poem years ago and it became a favorite of mine. I have been meaning to post it for awhile. Every friendship I have ever had has brought something beneficial into my life. Without the support of so many, I would not be here today. Thanks.


It seems where ever I go
people come into my life,
or go out of it.
Touching me where ever I can feel,
then leaving me only a memory,
like the gossamer fairy tales of children,
easily forgotten-
and I wasn't through knowing them.
How do I know who i am seeing
for the last time?
How do you halt your life
to keep those around you
you've never known?
And how do you keep fairy tales
from losing their magic?
So come- brush against the walls
of my life
and stay long enough for us to
know each other.
Even though we'll have to part sometime,
and we both know the longer you stay
the more I'll want you back
when you're gone.
But come anyway-
for fairy tales are the happiest
stories we read
and great books are made of little chapters.

Anonymous

Faces of Me- YouTube Video