Dina's Happy Fridge

In my bipolar world there are times when I just need something to make me smile. I love pictures. I love my family and friends. And so, I created my happy fridge. It started with just a few pictures that made me smile and it soon extended to the entire side of my refrigerator. It may not be the prettiest or most fashionable look, but I love it. And I find that when anyone comes to the house they look over all the pictures. I change them every so often and add new ones when I can. One of Dani's new friends didn't have a place on my fridge but she recently left a surprise for me in the fridge one night. She had brought me chocolate cake and attached a note that said:
"DO NOT TOUCH- OR DEATH. DINA'S CHOCOLATE CAKE" And so her note earned a place on my happy fridge until I am able to get a real picture of her to take it's place. Actually, it got a pretty big smile so I may keep it up. My fridge can't take away my depression or sadness but sometimes it can help. :)

Helen Keller Dina

I have an amazing best friend, Lynn, that has helped keep me alive these past nine years. She has been there for me every step of the way and I am so blessed to have her in life. Today as I was looking through my journals and letters I came across this e-mail she had sent me in June of 2005 in response to a pretty desperate cry for help. Her humor, insight, and ability to pull me back to reality has been such a lifeline for me. This was a time when I was in such a dark, depressed place that I was unable to remember having any happiness in my life at all. Besides feeling understood, accepted, and loved through this e-mail, she also used her humor to lift me that dark, lonely night. I have read and re-read it many times over the years.

Dina: "Lynn, what am I going to do with this stupid life of mine? I sit at the computer all night long playing solitaire, cruising the internet, reading about my illness, anything to try and take my mind off of the craziness. There was a time when I could see a point to this trial, some growth, some understanding. All I see now is destruction. Am I grounded in my faith? I am beginning to question. I thought that this was what it was all about and now I feel like I am back to square one. Why?!!! What is happening to me? I know that you will accept me whether I am Devil Dina, Dina the Destroyer, or just the regular Dina who is trying to figure life out. You are my dearest friend in the world. Please use your well known powers and make me well, okay?"

Lynn: "Dearest friend, BPDina,
You are right. I will forever love you and accept you no matter what you do. You could have an affair (although I wouldn't recommend it), you could be committed to a psychiatric ward for the rest of your life, you could eat all your children, you could become a pornography actress, you could even hate my guts and I would love you unconditionally. Regardless of the shape you are in, physically or emotionally, I love you because you are Dina. You don't have to DO anything to earn that love. It will forever be there. Of course, if you do become a porn queen I would have to kill you in your sleep because friends don't let friends do porn. Just wanted to state that for the record.

When you are in this kind of emotional state, you are Helen Keller. You can't SEE ANYTHING clearly. You can't HEAR ANYTHING clearly, and the things you say don't make a lick of sense. You are blind, deaf, and dumb. What's left of your brain is firing uncontrollably and you will do anything to make it stop--including abusing your new best friend, Tylenol PM. In short, you are CRAZY!!! But this isn't the real Dina, this is the Helen Keller Dina, the Chemical Mess Dina, the Pass the Valium Dina, the Raging Bull Destructo Solitaire Dina.

This Dina shows up from time to time. You never know when she will come knocking at the door and want to play. And when she shows up, you try to slam the door before she can come in but she pushes against it until the real Dina is slammed against the wall and Raging Bull Destructo Dina barges in and takes over. You don't like it when this Dina comes over to play but you can't stop her from barging in and taking over. Eventually, she gets tired and she goes back to her cave, leaving you to clean up the mess she has left in her wake. And you always do, wondering nervously when she will want to come over and play again. You don't choose to play with Helen Keller Dina, she just very rudely comes over without even being invited. No manners. None.

Eventually, I believe that with time and training, when Helen Keller Dina comes knocking at the door, you will be strong enough to keep her from barging in and destroying everything. It will take all your might and strength to hold her back and keep her out. You will have to acquire some state of the art locks on the door to prevent her from storming in. She may get a foot or an arm in, but in time you will be strong enough to squash her like a bug.

One day, she may even quit coming altogether and stay in her cave weeping, wailing and gnashing her teeth because Divine Dina, the real Dina, sees her coming down the street and drops an anvil on her head, like Wile E. Coyote, before she has a chance to even ring the doorbell.

Now, I have absolutely no idea where any of that came from, and I don't know why you can't just have a normal life. But here's what I do know, and I have said this before, you didn't pick this cross to bear. It picked you. Like it or not, it's yours, with your name engraved on it. When you are Helen Keller Dina, your arms and legs are shackled and there is no way you can even pick up your cross, let alone carry it.

This is when you must let others carry YOU AND YOUR CROSS. When Helen Keller Dina is back in her cave, you can not only carry your own cross, you help others carry theirs. Many, many others. Individuals and families who call you blessed for saving them.

Hang on until Helen leaves. She will. I love you."

Lynn comes as close to understanding depression as one can, who has not experienced it themselves. I hope that everyone has a friend like this that can help them hang on through the toughest of life's challenges and trials.



A Quote by the Real Helen Keller :)

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

hmmm...

It is one of those journal reading days. Off to cry...

Blog "Beyond Blue" by Therese J Borchard

http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/

5 Simple Exercises for Managing Anxiety

Friday September 11, 2009

Categories: Anxiety, Mental Health

"Even as I love the autumn season, it is full of anxiety for me.

I start to mourn the ending of summer when I hear the cicadas grow louder the last two weeks of August and when I feel the crispness in the air at that time, which brings less sunlight and longer nights. Then the back-to-school craze: buying shoes, supplies, backpacks, etc. and trying to catch up on the homework we didn't do during June and July. By the time I make it to the parent-teacher conferences in early September, when I hear about all the things I'm supposed to be doing with the kids, I'm well into panic mode.

Yesterday my therapist and I talked about a few coping exercises to keep my anxiety from disabling me this time of year.

1. Pick a sound or object to be your Xanax.

My therapist looks up to the clouds. They calm her down in traffic or whenever she feels anxious. For me it's the water. I don't now if it's because I'm a Pisces (fish), but the water has always calmed me down in the same way as Xanax, and since I don't take the latter (as a recovering alcoholic, I try to stay away from sedatives), I need to rely on the former. So I just downloaded some "ocean waves" that I can listen to on my iPod when I feel that familiar knot in my stomach.

2. Repeat: "I am good enough."

My therapist reminded me this morning that even if I don't meet other people's standards or my own, I am good enough for God. And that's all that really matters. So whenever I feel the pinch of anxiety when I don't have time to call back a friend or send a response to an email or write the blog post that I said I'd write, I should remind myself that I am good enough in the eyes of God.

3. Take it one minute at a time.

One cognitive adjustment that helps relieve anxiety is reminding myself that I don't have to think about 2:45 pm when I pick up the kids from school and how I will be able to cope with the noise and chaos when I'm feeling this way, or about the boundary issue I have with a friend--whether or not I'm strong enough to continue putting myself first in that relationship. All I have to worry about is the very second before me. If I am successful at breaking my time down that way, I usually discover that everything is fine for the moment.

4. Pay attention to your breath.

Another easy exercise to ground yourself in the moment and manage anxiety is to concentrate on your breath--and move it ever so gradually from your chest to your diaphragm--because the extra oxygen will send a message to your prefrontal cortex that every thing is just fine even though the fear center of the brain (the amygdala) doesn't think so at all.

5. Learn from it.

Anxiety doesn't have to be triggered by an event, but it certainly can motion some adjustment that you need to make in your life. My anxiety says that I am doing too much, once again. Over the summer I forgot about my fragile chemistry and attempted to work full time and take care of the kids full time until, in August, I was going on fumes. What adjustments do I need to make? Bite off less professionally and invest more energy into finding good help for the kids and housework. Because I can't do it all."

:)

I made it through all three hours of church today without a tear! :)

Flashback

I really struggle with day/night reversal in my sleep cycle. In the reading I have done this is very common with Bipolar Disorder- the sleep problems. Multiple times in the past five or six years it has completely flip-flopped and I am literally up until 5:00 or 6:00 in the morning and then have to get in a full eight hours or I can't function. I can't complain because I am doing so well compared to years past. I was diagnosed in 2001 and the journey to where I am at this point has been a literal nightmare but I have learned a lot and have been able to pass on my knowledge and experience to help others. It has especially been a blessing in regards to some of my children who have a similar diagnosis as myself. I believe that we have a responsibility to help others when we are in a good place. I still have to protect myself when I am not doing well and I have to pull my life into a tight circle. I have had to learn that my health comes before anything else or everyone around me suffers. I will do anything that is necessary to not have to go back to the hospital. Which brings me to the reason for this post. Over the years I have had a difficult time attending church. Emotionally I fall apart and have to leave in tears, and sometimes I have been in near hysterics. It gets old really fast, being embarrassed by my lack of control. When my sleep cycle reverses and I am up all night, it is especially difficult. So for years my attendance has been sporadic which makes me sad and ticks me off. But the past couple of months I have been doing so well and able to make it through the full three hours. Really, a small miracle for me. My sleep cycle has almost reversed again back to normal. And so, I was sitting in church a couple of weeks ago and the morning had been good. I didn't feel emotional, it felt good to be there and be able to participate, and I felt able to socialize. Out of the blue I had a flashback of one of my hospital stays. The memory and tears came hard and fast. When this happens the emotion is as real as it was when it happened back in 2003. The fear, terror, smells, the feeling of complete abandonment, the lack of control over my life, my perception of betrayal by those who made the decision to put me there, and on and on. It is hard to explain to those who haven't experienced it. Usually I can see a reason or trigger that brought the memory on but this time it made no sense. I hate when this happens because it is like living the nightmare all over again. I will never get used to the intense emotion that those who have Bipolar have to live with. It seems unreasonable to those around us but it is very real and overpowering. It drives me crazy not being able to make sense out of it all. I find that I still mourn over and over again the fact that I am unable to be the person that I feel I was meant to be. The word fragile is a good description of how my life has been since I "broke" in 2000. Even as well as things are now, fragile is still my word, my reality, and my world. To those who struggle in similar ways, know that I completely understand. As I attempted to learn to live with my illness I found that the only people who could truly help me see even a tiny glimmer of hope when I was in my dark place, were those who had suffered themselves. I think it is critical to have someone to talk to who "gets" it. I am so thankful for those who were there for me. Through our trials and suffering, we can turn something very difficult and unfair into something that can be a blessing to ourselves and to others. This can apply to any and all experiences we have in life. And so our challenge is to put to use our good times, and just survive our bad times. I have to remind myself that it will get better. I actually have letters that I have written to myself when I am in a good place to help me hang on during the downs. Because the words are my own, I am able to hang on to the "truth", instead of the lies, that tell me it is too hard to hang on to life and it will never get better. Just remember that there is always hope.

More writings of Jamie Darger

"Notes on Madness"

If I could at least name this madness that approaches me. That circles me. If I could see well enough to it - to see the whites of it's eyes. If I could feel it's cold breathe on my palm...

This madness creeps slowly, quietly. It plans in it's down time it's stratagem. It lies like a snake in the grass. It moves like a thief in the night. It borrows time from another day like a hard earned junkie. It stays in the distance, howling like a coyote in the early evening. It never sleeps, this madness. When it arrives, when it comes through my ear, it tickles. My head, like being suddenly dunked into a barrel of water, paralyzed with fear, gasping for air. It flips like a switch. The neurons in my head call for anarchy. The realness of the moment is daunting, divisive, ominous. If there was a place to go, to run, there I would go. I move, getting nowhere it can't find me. Like trying to clean grease from your hands, with water. Like picking lint out of Velcro. Like scratching your throat with your tongue or trying to relieve the pressure of a headache mounted behind your eyelid.

Usually this madness forces me to a climax; wide eyed and shaking strikes to sweaty, panicked moment of doom. And as quickly as it comes...there it goes. Fading into the trees as a pouncing cat, light of it's paws.

In my down time I internalize it's impact. I make use by creating walls of dirt and mud and sticks; I rise my best defense position. I am no use to the world at times like these. I am at home, locked in, fearing the shadows that sneak into the darkness, plotting my defense. I would if I could plan an offensive. Track this madness to it's grounds- sneak into it's camp and destroy it...

I have attempted to go toe to toe with this passive aggressive monster. But losing myself to the fear I lead with the chin. Oh, this squeaking siren. This weaver of chaos. The best of my efforts are to no avail. This ghost, this wisp of strange smelling smoke, this chill. It is impervious to my action. My prayers fall short; I am shamed at my inability to master my thoughts. Where has this madness grown. Where was this conceived. Where are the parents of this creature...please, leave me- I am not your purpose! Go home to your own. There is no vacancy left in my head. I have drunk your poison! Is there more to bare? Still, there is no death for my wishful deed. There is no magic for my curse. Where am I to go from here?

Jamie Darger
2006

Jamie Darger

I love my brother, Jamie's, poetry. I have already blogged a few of his and I just came across this one yesterday.

"Soon My Cheeks Will Rust"

the light of the setting sun

parades across the perforated
contour of the punch-out
mountains hovering in the distance.

and as the sun falls, so does my guard.

tears gather in the corners of my eyes
pushing and shoving to be the next
down my face.
soon they weigh down my smile.

with each blink, sorrow brings
yet another stream of despair
that floats the distance to my jaw.

the street lights that begin to come alive
reflect some hope
in the trails on my face, but still,
like some Indian warrior
painted for war, dressed in defeat,
they run.

soon my cheeks will rust.

jamie darger
1993

No one should have to live this way...

"Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it; an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide."
"I am fortunate that I have not died from my illness, fortunate in having received the best medical care available, and fortunate in having the friends, colleagues, and family that I do."
Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings—from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.


Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include:
Increased energy, activity, and restlessness
Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood
Extreme irritability
Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another
Distractibility, can't concentrate well
Little sleep needed
Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers
Poor judgment
Spending sprees
A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual
Increased sexual drive
Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications
Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior
Denial that anything is wrong
A manic episode is diagnosed if elevated mood occurs with three or more of the other symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for 1 week or longer. If the mood is irritable, four additional symptoms must be present.


Signs and symptoms of depression (or a depressive episode) include:
Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex
Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Restlessness or irritability
Sleeping too much, or can't sleep
Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain
Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury
Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts

My Hero

There are certain people in my life that are my rocks during my hard times. My dad is one of those. I was thinking about him the other day and realized that I don't remember him ever getting angry. He has a steadiness about him that I envy. He just has a natural peace and confidence that calms me in my anxiety episodes. Just talking to him helps me. I wish that my innate personality and wellness was more like his. I am thankful to have him has my dad.
These are a few motto's that he wants his posterity to remember:

"The next life is better." (He reminds me of this every time life is hard.)

"Stay on the right road, going the right way, and every thing will be okay."

"You can't stand still. You are either moving forward or backward."

"God loves you unconditionally. If you don't feel it, you are the one who needs to change."

I am thankful that I have such a wise and righteous father. I love you dad.