Helen Keller Dina

I have an amazing best friend, Lynn, that has helped keep me alive these past nine years. She has been there for me every step of the way and I am so blessed to have her in life. Today as I was looking through my journals and letters I came across this e-mail she had sent me in June of 2005 in response to a pretty desperate cry for help. Her humor, insight, and ability to pull me back to reality has been such a lifeline for me. This was a time when I was in such a dark, depressed place that I was unable to remember having any happiness in my life at all. Besides feeling understood, accepted, and loved through this e-mail, she also used her humor to lift me that dark, lonely night. I have read and re-read it many times over the years.

Dina: "Lynn, what am I going to do with this stupid life of mine? I sit at the computer all night long playing solitaire, cruising the internet, reading about my illness, anything to try and take my mind off of the craziness. There was a time when I could see a point to this trial, some growth, some understanding. All I see now is destruction. Am I grounded in my faith? I am beginning to question. I thought that this was what it was all about and now I feel like I am back to square one. Why?!!! What is happening to me? I know that you will accept me whether I am Devil Dina, Dina the Destroyer, or just the regular Dina who is trying to figure life out. You are my dearest friend in the world. Please use your well known powers and make me well, okay?"

Lynn: "Dearest friend, BPDina,
You are right. I will forever love you and accept you no matter what you do. You could have an affair (although I wouldn't recommend it), you could be committed to a psychiatric ward for the rest of your life, you could eat all your children, you could become a pornography actress, you could even hate my guts and I would love you unconditionally. Regardless of the shape you are in, physically or emotionally, I love you because you are Dina. You don't have to DO anything to earn that love. It will forever be there. Of course, if you do become a porn queen I would have to kill you in your sleep because friends don't let friends do porn. Just wanted to state that for the record.

When you are in this kind of emotional state, you are Helen Keller. You can't SEE ANYTHING clearly. You can't HEAR ANYTHING clearly, and the things you say don't make a lick of sense. You are blind, deaf, and dumb. What's left of your brain is firing uncontrollably and you will do anything to make it stop--including abusing your new best friend, Tylenol PM. In short, you are CRAZY!!! But this isn't the real Dina, this is the Helen Keller Dina, the Chemical Mess Dina, the Pass the Valium Dina, the Raging Bull Destructo Solitaire Dina.

This Dina shows up from time to time. You never know when she will come knocking at the door and want to play. And when she shows up, you try to slam the door before she can come in but she pushes against it until the real Dina is slammed against the wall and Raging Bull Destructo Dina barges in and takes over. You don't like it when this Dina comes over to play but you can't stop her from barging in and taking over. Eventually, she gets tired and she goes back to her cave, leaving you to clean up the mess she has left in her wake. And you always do, wondering nervously when she will want to come over and play again. You don't choose to play with Helen Keller Dina, she just very rudely comes over without even being invited. No manners. None.

Eventually, I believe that with time and training, when Helen Keller Dina comes knocking at the door, you will be strong enough to keep her from barging in and destroying everything. It will take all your might and strength to hold her back and keep her out. You will have to acquire some state of the art locks on the door to prevent her from storming in. She may get a foot or an arm in, but in time you will be strong enough to squash her like a bug.

One day, she may even quit coming altogether and stay in her cave weeping, wailing and gnashing her teeth because Divine Dina, the real Dina, sees her coming down the street and drops an anvil on her head, like Wile E. Coyote, before she has a chance to even ring the doorbell.

Now, I have absolutely no idea where any of that came from, and I don't know why you can't just have a normal life. But here's what I do know, and I have said this before, you didn't pick this cross to bear. It picked you. Like it or not, it's yours, with your name engraved on it. When you are Helen Keller Dina, your arms and legs are shackled and there is no way you can even pick up your cross, let alone carry it.

This is when you must let others carry YOU AND YOUR CROSS. When Helen Keller Dina is back in her cave, you can not only carry your own cross, you help others carry theirs. Many, many others. Individuals and families who call you blessed for saving them.

Hang on until Helen leaves. She will. I love you."

Lynn comes as close to understanding depression as one can, who has not experienced it themselves. I hope that everyone has a friend like this that can help them hang on through the toughest of life's challenges and trials.



A Quote by the Real Helen Keller :)

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."