Flashback

I really struggle with day/night reversal in my sleep cycle. In the reading I have done this is very common with Bipolar Disorder- the sleep problems. Multiple times in the past five or six years it has completely flip-flopped and I am literally up until 5:00 or 6:00 in the morning and then have to get in a full eight hours or I can't function. I can't complain because I am doing so well compared to years past. I was diagnosed in 2001 and the journey to where I am at this point has been a literal nightmare but I have learned a lot and have been able to pass on my knowledge and experience to help others. It has especially been a blessing in regards to some of my children who have a similar diagnosis as myself. I believe that we have a responsibility to help others when we are in a good place. I still have to protect myself when I am not doing well and I have to pull my life into a tight circle. I have had to learn that my health comes before anything else or everyone around me suffers. I will do anything that is necessary to not have to go back to the hospital. Which brings me to the reason for this post. Over the years I have had a difficult time attending church. Emotionally I fall apart and have to leave in tears, and sometimes I have been in near hysterics. It gets old really fast, being embarrassed by my lack of control. When my sleep cycle reverses and I am up all night, it is especially difficult. So for years my attendance has been sporadic which makes me sad and ticks me off. But the past couple of months I have been doing so well and able to make it through the full three hours. Really, a small miracle for me. My sleep cycle has almost reversed again back to normal. And so, I was sitting in church a couple of weeks ago and the morning had been good. I didn't feel emotional, it felt good to be there and be able to participate, and I felt able to socialize. Out of the blue I had a flashback of one of my hospital stays. The memory and tears came hard and fast. When this happens the emotion is as real as it was when it happened back in 2003. The fear, terror, smells, the feeling of complete abandonment, the lack of control over my life, my perception of betrayal by those who made the decision to put me there, and on and on. It is hard to explain to those who haven't experienced it. Usually I can see a reason or trigger that brought the memory on but this time it made no sense. I hate when this happens because it is like living the nightmare all over again. I will never get used to the intense emotion that those who have Bipolar have to live with. It seems unreasonable to those around us but it is very real and overpowering. It drives me crazy not being able to make sense out of it all. I find that I still mourn over and over again the fact that I am unable to be the person that I feel I was meant to be. The word fragile is a good description of how my life has been since I "broke" in 2000. Even as well as things are now, fragile is still my word, my reality, and my world. To those who struggle in similar ways, know that I completely understand. As I attempted to learn to live with my illness I found that the only people who could truly help me see even a tiny glimmer of hope when I was in my dark place, were those who had suffered themselves. I think it is critical to have someone to talk to who "gets" it. I am so thankful for those who were there for me. Through our trials and suffering, we can turn something very difficult and unfair into something that can be a blessing to ourselves and to others. This can apply to any and all experiences we have in life. And so our challenge is to put to use our good times, and just survive our bad times. I have to remind myself that it will get better. I actually have letters that I have written to myself when I am in a good place to help me hang on during the downs. Because the words are my own, I am able to hang on to the "truth", instead of the lies, that tell me it is too hard to hang on to life and it will never get better. Just remember that there is always hope.