I hate bad days. For whatever reason they come and then they like to stick around for awhile. It gets old. My energy is zapped, I have no motivation, I feel so sad and irritable, any thoughts of hope vanish and I feel sorry for those who have to live with me. I think that guilt is one of the biggest obstacles for me to overcome. It presses down on me so hard when I am not doing well. I just hate that people in my life have to pay the price of me being sick. One of my doctors told me that the bipolar is not me. It is not who I am, not my identity. I try to remember that but it feels like it is a very much an innate part of who I am. I feel guilty that it manifests itself through me, and in my distorted vision, it is "ME". Since he said that to me years ago I make it a point to say "I have Bipolar" not "I am Bipolar". But on my depressed and down days it feels that is all that I am...sick and hard to live with.
Dina Marie, it is quite hard to see the eventual lifting of that curtain when you are in the midst of your depressive phase. I always wonder how long it will last, or if I will ever come out of it. Sometime it is hardest to bear when you are doing everything right to begin with (e.g., taking your meds as ordered). Trust me when I tell you that you are not alone, here, my dear.
ReplyDeletei love you dina!
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