dina marie's bipoletry

I wish that I had been able to recognize what was happening to me before I literally crashed in June of 2000 and was unable to function at all. For a long time I knew that something wasn't right but I didn't know the "language" of Clinical Depression or Bipolar Disorder and so I had no knowledge or experience to draw from. No one else seemed to understand what was happening to me either. For many years I just thought that I was a weak, stupid, incapable person who couldn't seem to handle life like everyone else. I tried to hide what I was thinking and feeling but I always feared that others would finally realize what a dumb person I was. Honestly, it was a relief to finally be diagnosed with first Major Clinical Depression and a few short months later with Bipolar Disorder. There was finally a reason for the insanity I was experiencing. And so began the long road to learning how to live with mental illness. I am amazed at all that I have learned over the years. I now feel like the "language" of depression is my second language instead of a foreign one. I wouldn't have asked for or chosen this particular road but I can say that I have learned and grown from my extremely difficult and painful experiences. My Bipolar Disorder is for life. I had to come to the point of acceptance and I had to learn how to be grateful for the blessings in my life. There are many days when I absolutely do not feel grateful at all but those days pass and I can then look at things with clearer vision. I am thankful for medication that keeps me stabilized. Without it, I would not be alive. I am thankful for understanding children and for a supportive husband who has weathered the storm with me and has not given up. I am thankful for the knowledge of a loving Savior who feels and knows my pain. It is still difficult to face the fact that I will never have the life that I envisioned for myself and for my family. But I have learned how to best live within my limitations and most of the time I realize that I can still have a happy, productive life even with a mental illness. There were many years when I thought it would be much better if I were dead. I would tell anyone who may be in that hopeless place of thinking to hang on. It will get better. It may take time, sometimes a lot of time like in my case, but there is always hope. Never, never give up.

Read the next post for symptoms of clinical depression.